who am i?

"I write for the unlearned about things in which I am unlearned myself." - CS Lewis, Reflections on the Psalms

Saturday, February 9, 2008

8 is the number......

wasnt going to do a post today, then i was going to repost this. its something i wrote on one of my daddy why? times. but then here i am tapping away...

its been eight years since he left, such a long time that just seems like a day ago. just like yesterday when i looked him in the eye with something close to hatred, typical of a hormone raging teenage girl, just cos he wont give money for me to buy that georgeous white pumps i needed to have for sunday mass in school.
i climbed into the car and sulked as the driver zoomed off, but not before i gave mom the biggest clingiest hug barely sparing him a glance(to make him feel bad), not even acknowledging the sad wave he gave with that smile on his lips he always had when he was amused at me, the smile many have said i take after.

barely three weeks into my semester in school, i got a letter from him, one i glanced through like i do now at those boring meeting minutes at the office. then i discarded it. i was still mad at him, not for the shoes but for the fact that i still loved him despite his blunder(which i had realized made sense)and he still loved me despite my bratty attitude and the fact that i couldnt understand my emotions.

eight years since that day that i whispered the whole 2hours of night prep away, telling a random friend RT about dad, reminiscing on the wonderful times we've had and how i missed that i always smiled at him and how i never understood why i would always get mad at him in recent times...i talked and talked and cried my frustration all out,not knowing or maybe somehow knowing that at that moment the only man i loved only slightly above my brother was taking his last breath.

i remember me being picked up from school with some bull story, not really caring why they let me home for some dinner party for my sis,i was just happy at getting out of boarding school for a few days, cos suddenly i was depressed there. then i got home and i heard the news...all i could think of was not my daddy, not my strong man, my super hero, the one who never got sick, who carried me on his back, whos back i lay on and played with the mole on it, who would carry me on his lap and drive up and down the street.
the one who creeped behind me to pinch my ears, the one who called me his 'mummy', his 'star baby'.
the one who made me laughed, who..............

the cryings supposed to have stopped, then why am i crying now?
i didnt get to cry at the burial...there was a bit of tears that rolled down, forced out of my eyesi wanted to be strong for the family, for mom, i wanted to be the one not crying so i comfort them...
i lived in acceptance those few days before we buried just to avoid being in the shock of denial, when really that acceptance was more of an illusion, i still hoped that somehow he'd show up and kiss me and i'd apologise and tell him i loved him again and again and again...
i still seat in his study like i did on those first days, looking out the window to see if he'd be on the balcony reading a book or the papers so i could go seat with him and talk.

its eight years today, i might have forgotten the scent of him, but i still hear the jovial way he called my name...
i see his smile whenever i smile in the mirror.
i see him in my 3 sisters and my brother, cos he lives in us.
i yearn for him when my leg hurts cos he was the one who i loved to massage it, but i feel his touch when i close my eyes real tight and try to imagine it.
i see him when we laugh and share a family joke
i see him in the monopololy games i play
i see him everywhere cos he lives on, his memory comes alive in the daily thoughts and talks we have.
once my brother called me 'mummy', he sounded just like dad when he did, and i shivered in excitement? or maybe desperate hope?, or once when he sneaked up on me from behind to pinch my ears and i turned to see if maybe...that was then, now i smile when anyone does those things, because those little things are the memories that'll keep us going.
the tears wont stop and i dont will them to, cos they are no longer of pain but of sweet memories of what we had as a family.

eight years today...i've gotten over my last scene with him, my heart has stopped lurching in pain at the thought of that last smile he threw at me and how i ignored that effort to reach out to me...
i've gotten over my cruelty and embraced my memories...
i love you daddy, i love you so so much, i miss you too, but then i love you even more than i've missed you.

29 comments:

  1. omg i'm 1st heheheheheheheh DL is back.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Do i get a gift? damn i'm digging this 1st and 2nd position and it gladens my heart that 3rd awaits me too.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Omg darling i am so sorry....i'm crying with you babe..hope it's ok.
    I have a feeling he's watching over you, who knows he probably just read this and smiled.
    I know wherever he is, he's very proud of you.
    Love u sweets

    p.s-*crying* ur not off d hook for ma gift. i sound like a 3yr old...let me go.
    take heart dear.

    ReplyDelete
  4. i guess this isn't the right time to say i'm 3rd, fourth and fifth right?
    ok i'm gone!

    ReplyDelete
  5. sounds like he is at rest in your heart ad hat god thing....and i wanted to thank you for your prayers, thank u very much

    ReplyDelete
  6. **Tears**

    May the lord continue to strengthen and uphold you.
    This post is touching and saddenning but I knwo daddy is looking down on you with a big smile on his face. He loves you too but God loves you more.

    May GOd continue to be there for you.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Take it easy dear.

    I'm sure he's proud of you...wherever he is.

    God bless...

    ReplyDelete
  8. God bless your sweet heart. I thank God that you got to experience the love of your father. You are blessed.

    ReplyDelete
  9. you have very good memories of your dad. I'm sure he lives on in your heart...
    here's a hug: ((((you))))

    ReplyDelete
  10. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  11. DL, good to see u havent lost ur touch. i got a gift for u alright, deep in my heart and that prayer u said for u......more than the cashmere scarf i though of mailing to u.lol

    torrance...thank u too.

    olamild...thanks sweety, thats comforting to hear.

    butterfliesandstars...first time here and u meet me whinning...sorry about that and thanks so much.

    naija chikito...u're right u know,i always say at least i got fifteen good years with him and that i'm thankful for.

    bumight...now that hug was a lil' longer than usual.i'm straight girl.lol
    thanks babe.

    ReplyDelete
  12. See ur head...so if not for face book stalking I wouldn't have known you updated...

    Only here cos of you oh...my exam is on friday and I am staying off till then..I no fit fail!!

    Don't let the tears stop sweetie...That is what keeps him alive in your heart and in ur life.Remeber the good times so you can tell ur children about them..

    you were strong then, be strong now.

    love u loads...

    ReplyDelete
  13. I am happy that your tears are of memories. Keep him in your heart always...

    ReplyDelete
  14. i understand how you feel, cling to those memories that keep his spirit alive in your home,with your family and in your heart,thats how i am able to go through each day knowing i wont see my daddy again..

    take heart dear.it is well.

    ReplyDelete
  15. desperate lady get a life.
    one good thing is that u have good memories of ur dad,nice positive ones.

    ReplyDelete
  16. i never met the father but i did meet the daughter.

    They say the apple never falls far from the tree.

    I see the Apple and i marvel at the thought of the tree.

    I never met him.
    But i care for him as much as i do the apple.

    I celebrate his life with you dear.

    ReplyDelete
  17. May his gentle soul rest in peace.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I agree with Carlang. Never met the father, but the daughter is a gem of a soul.

    ReplyDelete
  19. afrobabe...awww....look whos giving an excuse to visit blogsvile.lol
    thanks sweetie. love u too.

    allied...i sure would do

    LMM...u'll definately see him again, someday, somehow, maybe in a dream...i mean the dreams seem so real its comforting just reliving those conversations.

    anonymous girl...desperate lady is on da move and nothing can stop her.
    the memories definately feels good.

    ReplyDelete
  20. carlang...thats so sweet...thanks and those words mean so much. thank you.

    QMC...u and carl make me wanna cry. thanks.

    30+...a big amen to that.

    ReplyDelete
  21. this post is special in the way it conveyed an intricate and terrible beauty against the backdrop of permanent separation. i'd have to agree with all the wonderful things other bloggers have said about you and how proud your father would be of you now if he could see you.

    i also have to add that i wish i could express to you the warmth feel everytime simply from the fact of knowing you

    ReplyDelete
  22. DL is a damn psycho lol

    sorry babes

    keep the memories

    never let them go

    remember the good times

    but also learn from the mistakes you made

    appreciate the ones you love while they are here because when they are gone you will have wished that you did

    it's no way you could have known that he wouldn't be there when you got back

    it's not your fault

    he's smiling down on you and he loves you ery much and he is very proud of your success

    bless you queen

    ReplyDelete
  23. ozaveshe...u just show out of the blues and make me feel special(u cant buy me over tho, still goin to sanction u for being away for so long).

    JT...i've suddenly learnt to say i love you at every minute to my family.
    your words make me feel so good...
    thanks love.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Fantasy Queen... 8yrs ago.. wow, Oh well... i lost my dad too in 2000... and i know he is there watching after me...

    anyways, i know how you felt and feel... but i always thank God that he spent his life well...

    take it easy babe...

    ReplyDelete
  25. Awwwh...so touching.

    When i read or hear other people talking so sentimentally about their dads, i just wish...*sighs*

    May his sweet soul continue to reast in peace, Amen.

    ReplyDelete
  26. i am sure he is very proud of you and loves you as much were ever he is. you should be very happy you had a person like him so let his goodness always shine through you. ave a lovely week

    ReplyDelete
  27. omg.. i am soo late at seeing this... but still, my heart goes out to you.... i can only pray that God gives you the consolation that no words can give....

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...