Monday, 13th September 2004

I feel so alone, so lost, a stranger to myself. I’m here but absent, I’m not in me, my me is too depressing, so many worries, locked up in a cell with only me, no one to talk to, no one who really cares. I try to suppress hatred that boils in me for myself, for those I love, what I am I can't figure out, my only escape from all these are my thoughts. I travel far away from my body, to a world of dreams where everything is possible, where I'm happy, where I have true love, no enemies, wonderful friends, Gods love, everything... a world that’s so beautiful. Then I come back to my isolation, but I always try as much to go back to that world, as I walk, talk, watch tv, eat, drive and whatever. This is my perfect escape, my link to sanity.

I feel emtiness, I feel heavy, lots of loads on me, yet nothing in me, how does it all work? How does this happen? Then I hear of young girls dying, everywhere, those in school, graduates and I wonder if this all worth it.

I try to pray, wishing It would work, but I only feel hollow as I mutter the somewhat rehearsed words, cos I don’t feel a connection, I feel cast away. I hate it when I’m told to pray during family prayers, because I feel I’m only making God ignore us. How worthy am I to talk to God?

Look at me today, I’m a walking description of depression, only I would never take my life. Somehow I can see the devil feeling victorous over my life, but I can't sit and watch that… I’ll find a way.

Sometimes I imagine myself having a one on one with God. I see me preaching and winning souls for God. But then it's just wishful thinking, if only my imaginations came through...

Whats my life going to be like? I read somewhere that if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans… I cant see ahead, I’ve no focused plan for the fututre, I can't see me being anything more than now just yet. Maybe I'm doing the right thing living moment by moment…

I can't believe I’ve been lamenting. I’m grateful for life, all I have to do is find a way to make it right, to make me right and to do things right.

I found this entry in an old journal from about 9yrs ago. And as I read through, all I could think of was God's grace upon my life. I was such a basket case, a still water that ran deeper than ever, calm on the outside, crazy on the inside. Oh, I didn't go round sulking and with a sad face, but I had my mood swings, and it was a joy to cry for no reason every once in a while, as long as there was an empty room. No one knew that I was being choked up, and no one cared because how could they reach out if they had no idea? I am not a sharer, I do not open up to people easily especially those I love. But I probably died everyday even as I lived. Oh, people loved me, especially the boys, but the attention scared me even if I enjoyed it sometimes, and it contributed to all the craziness and confusion inside. I was almost resenting my looks, because I felt it gave me undue attention, I told myself it was my curse(you see how crazy I was? cursing at this precious gift :))

I wanted to serve God, I just couldn't find the strength and the will. But God's grace kept me, till I was still enough to open my eyes and see that His love had always been right there with me, within my grasp. It took a seemingly end of facing death to open my eyes to this wonderful love, and once I saw, the road that looked like an end curved and I have continued on this journey.
I certainly didn't see myself where I am today 9yrs ago... Oh, He sure does laugh at our plans.

I guess I shared this just to let someone know that no matter what it is you're going through, there's sunshine just around the corner... Its nowhere near an end for you, it's just a bend, you'll see if you let yourself walk through. God's love for you is bigger than depression and whatever confused thoughts that goes through your head. It's bigger than anything wrong you've ever done.
God is great and His grace is amazing. I'm not where I ought to be in my walk with God, but thank God I'm not where i was, thank God i can pray knowing He loves me, not for what I am or what I've done, but for who He is... Thank God I don't have to think of words to say to Him, but I can just talk, because He's my best friend and I know I can tell Him everything... things that hurt, that makes me feel good, that leaves me confused, that makes me laugh... everything!
Thank God I can talk about Him through this blog even though I haven't gained enough boldness to go out there like I imagined.
Thank God I can read my bible, no where near as often as I ought to, but when I do, it's no more a bunch of jumbled up words, it's His words spoken to me. He really does answer prayers...

Seek the Lord and you will find Him. It doesn't matter how much you feel condemned because of what you've done or what you've failed to do... The cross spells forgiveness, thus His love is always available. Don't give up, don't think it's impossible... He found me and heard the desperate cries of my heart, He will find you too. He loves you too much to leave you high and dry when you call out to Him.