who am i?

"I write for the unlearned about things in which I am unlearned myself." - CS Lewis, Reflections on the Psalms

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

On Trees and Winter... Growth and Pain... and Rest!

The leaves of a tree provide it with nutrients from sunlight. In the winter on a warm day, the leaves may try to continue the process of providing nutrients, called photosynthesis. Because the process requires water, if the weather gets cold again, the leaves are frozen on the branches, causing them to die. Therefore, the trees would be stuck with dead leaves in the spring, which would lead to the tree's death. Instead, trees become dormant in the winter by pushing off their leaves. They grow a new set in the spring. In tropical climates, trees shed their leaves during the dry season for similar reasons; they would die on the tree.  Source

I’ve learnt not be deceived by this tree… its just winter anyway…. It shed its leaves… it looks dry and dead. But deep inside, it’s brewing, restoring, getting ready to burst forth with fruitfulness… in its season. It’s growing out of the old into the new by shedding. If a tree doesn’t shed its leaves in the winter, it would be stuck with the dead leaves when the new season, which is spring, comes, and that leads to its death.

I’ve seen too many trees blossom to be deceived by one that has shed off in winter. Growth is uncomfortable. It requires leaving the old, the familiar, the snug and coming out with a new… the process isn’t that great I tell you.
It struck me looking at this tree, because I kind of feel that way sometimes; dried out on the outside, like I’m dealing with so many things that have led to a shedding. In this season, I have dealt with grief and I’m dealing with brewing some new things in my life… preparing for a new season of birthing and it’s only right that the shedding happens in my life.
So much growth is happening… I have been so consumed by the outside, the struggle of leaving the comfort of the old in this growth process, and the cold but bitter sweet embrace of the winter blues of grief, that on the outside it seems I’m loosing everything… because I’m holding on to things I should let go off, like pain, like the old… because I fear the growth, the answered prayer… the responsibility of this life that I’m called to that is beyond myself. I get so lost in the outside, that I want to walk away from it all… just open the door and keep walking into oblivion… because it seems too much, this growth, this responsibility, this life… I don’t want to write anymore… I don't want to plan another worship meeting... I don't want to be asked what I plan on doing with my life... I don't want to be looked up to... I don't want the expectations on me... I don't want to present any picture... I don’t want to feel responsible for things I have no control over… I don’t want to say its okay even as much as I know it is, because I cant explain how I know it is. 

Do you feel that way sometimes, that you’re called to something bigger than you and you just cant deal when you look at it from your human perspective… when you see the dream as a dream you dreamed and not one given? Does it feel overwhelming sometimes? When the answered prayers start manifesting and you’re not sure what to do with it… if maybe you prayed amiss, if maybe God as perfect as He is must have mixed things up a bit… aren’t you too messed up for such perfection to be brewing in your heart? But that’s God isn’t it? The best of all, for the worst of all… the least qualified, just to show us how its not about what we can or have done, its all about His grace, His call and His desire to use you.
Am I ready for the new? Is this what I really want. It makes me feel exposed to the elements, just like the tree standing bare and exposed to the cold winter winds. I feel naked, all my leaves fallen; naked enough to be vulnerable enough for fear and doubt to creep in and question my identity, my call, and my purpose…. my abilities.

It gets overwhelming, and so I spend time praying… and in this place of prayer,
I am awakened to my righteousness, awakened to the reality that’s superior to what my mind has painted and hung on the wall of my heart as a prized painting, an art collectors delight… I am awakened in prayers to look inwards at what is brewing. I am given a feast of truth, so much deeper than what my eyes see… I am given a feast of assurance of my security in His righteousness… in His love and a stamp of authentication saying my life is Gods Himself, it isn’t about my ability… In prayer I am given the picture of this tree that has been bared and exposed, this tree that has shed it’s leaves but isn’t done with life, because all these is just a preparation for its transition into a new season of fruitfulness, where the new life within it burst forth and it becomes green and beautiful again and bears fruits and stands out for the world to see.

Growth and change is certain… some change for the worse, but here, it is progressive. The righteous shine brighter and brighter to perfection… that’s what Gods word my ultimate life filter tells me… thus even when it feels the leaves have fallen and I am standing stark naked, exposed to the elements, it’s a progressive path for me, one more step into perfection. And yes, sometimes going higher is scary, but it only is if you look at the elements making you shed your leaves and forget to know that what you’re comfortable with has to be stripped off for new birth to come… that’s why we shouldn’t look outside, we should look inside at all the words we have heard… at the truth painted in our heart, at the fruitfulness coming together and ready to perfectly spring forth in spring and bloom for the world to see… to beautify the world with the glory bursting forth from within.

Learn to see the outside that looks forlorn and drab as a winter ravaged tree with the filter of Gods word… I mean we see almost everything in filters thanks to social media… If I can filter a picture, then I can filter what my eyes see… thus it may look like that tree on the outside, but the word says I am like a tree planted by the rivers…. Blossoming in all season, even if it doesn’t look it to natural eyes, I am blossoming , bursting forth from the inside… I am growing, that’s why I’m shedding, that’s why to you I look dried out, but if you use the filter of Gods word and truth, you will sense my truth, that it’s a new season coming, and something spectacular is about to happen.

Change has come, and I’m embracing it.

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