who am i?

"I write for the unlearned about things in which I am unlearned myself." - CS Lewis, Reflections on the Psalms

Sunday, November 27, 2016

Running Man...?

I did a voice recording over daddy’s Marvin Gayes music on his cassette tape. (For those who are clueless, it was the mp3 of the day)

Hands up if you experienced this.

It wasn’t funny to him, but it was fun for me. I really needed to hear myself sing and talk childish rubbish on radio, and I needed a tape to do that and daddy’s car was right there with cassette tapes, so I took the tape and now he was mad, so mad he scolded me.
I hated daddy’s scolds, he never hit me, his scolds were hardly screams… but daddy scolding me was as good as daddy beating me. You can’t really blame me, weren’t you ever fascinated that you could hear yourself on radio? The joy of hitting the record button and saying whatever you want, and then rewinding the tape, and listening to yourself, and just feeling pure joy? Daddy didn’t understand that, he was more concerned that his music was wiped out by my magical voice. So I went into the guest toilet to live out the rest of my life.

He was so angry I just didn’t want him to see me or bump into me, so I stayed in that toilet adjusting to my new life in tears. I don’t know how long I stayed in there for, it probably wasn’t up to thirty minutes, but it felt like forever and what joy it was when mummy came looking for me and asked me to come out and drive to my aunts house with her.
We got back home later that evening, and I heard nothing about my escapades ever again, although I was still a little mouse hiding out from the big daddy cat I upset earlier.

I have misbehaved a lot of times as a little girl, and my solution even when I wasn’t scolded at was making myself scarce. I remember my aunt made two lovely kaftans, with such beautiful gold embroideries… those outfits were dreamy… my little girl eyes were overwhelmed by the beauty of the gold thread on the navy blue sheda material. After aunty showed mum her new outfit, she asked me to get a bag for her to put them in and I rushed to get her one. I left with her for her house for a sleep over as I always did.
We got to her house and that’s when it happened. Aunt brought out her brand new outfits to admire and what a shocker! There were huge white patches on them… apparently I brought a bag that had a bleach spill in it and it ruined/discolored the outfits.
I felt horrible. She wasn’t mad at me, she knew it wasn’t my fault, but even as young as I was, I understood I had just ruined a beautiful and expensive outfit… I felt horrible, and I disappeared from the scene. I made myself scarce. I went downstairs or somewhere to hide out the rest of my night…. Until I heard my aunt looking for me. She wasn’t mad at me. Of course she must have been upset that her new outfit was ruined, but not mad enough to hate me, or send me away from her.

A friend forgot to call me on my birthday and he felt so bad about it that he kept running and running; avoiding me. I really didn’t care about that, I’m not petty about stuff like this…. I could feel condemnation dripping from him in the way he cautiously avoided me, and I decided to have fun with it and torture him with my silence for a little while longer. I really didn’t care about his not calling, there was no big deal. When I was done having fun, I sent a message and I could feel the relief coming through the phone from the other end. No, I’m not angry with you friend, stop putting unnecessary pressure on yourself. The more he thought I was upset, the more he stayed away from me. And that's the game we play with God, the more we think He's upset with us, the more we run from Him.

When we misbehave, our natural response is to hide. Run and hide. Hide away from the one we hurt. That’s what we do; the way we react to our parents is the way we react to God. God is not mad at you… even when you misbehave, His love covers you, don’t run from Him…. That’s the time to stop and be still in His presence, not the time to run away just like Adam and Eve. Stop hiding, Daddy loves you. Your silly mistakes or the sin isn’t enough reason for him to disown you. He loves you uniquely and his love is daily renewing and transforming you. There is no condemnation for you in Christ(Romans 8:1)
--> He says that He isn’t thinking about your sins or mistakes. He’s not holding them against you, come out of hiding.  'I—yes, I alone—will blot out your sins for my own sake and will never think of them again.' Isaiah 43:25(NLT) -->
Don’t stay stuck in the toilet like I did, hoping not to bump into Him. Avoiding church, avoiding prayers and fellowship with Him because you’ve “failed” him. You my friend are not so powerful,  that you can make Him stop being who He is… that you can make Him stop loving as He does by your mistakes.
-->

The more you run, the further away you go and the less of His presence you’ll feel and you’ll think He’s left you, the truth is He never left, you’re the one who ran from the throne of grace, His arms are wide open waiting for you. He wouldn’t be giving you the side eye when you come back, like I behave to my little niece and cousins when they've wronged me and come back with an apology, no he wouldn’t be judging you from his throne of grace… no, he’s not snapping his fingers at you in anger… He loves you darling. 

--> "The law screams, "shame on you!" Grace screams, 'shame off you!"- John Gray

--> Grace screams mercy louder than the law screams condemnation. What voice are you listening to? The voice you listen to determines if you're running away from God or running towards Him. If you're going to be a running man, then do the right kind of running... towards Gods unending love.

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