who am i?

"I write for the unlearned about things in which I am unlearned myself." - CS Lewis, Reflections on the Psalms

Saturday, May 17, 2008

the other woman

This line from Nina Simones 'the other woman' prompted this post

'But the other woman will always cry herself to sleep,the other woman will never have his love to keep, and as the years go by the other woman will spend her life alone'

Not always so, because sometimes the other woman wins or maybe its her loss? Because she used to be the other woman, the one he rushed to, a distraction from the routine, but now she is 'the woman', the one who eventually becomes the routine, and he's got another woman.

It's really just a circle innit?

I never want to be the other woman. Lots of women are not ready to accept the emotional responsibility of a real relationship so they seek unavailable partners to avoid true intimacy.

But is it reason enough to be the other woman?
You get more comfortable with a fella who's unavailable, you fall for that illusion of him, cos you know deep down both of you can never be because you have refused to be the other woman.
But are you lying to yourself? Maybe you're not so guilt free after all, you might not do anything, but talking on phone for hours, showing concern and 'friendliness' might as well translate to emotional cheating, cos he's falling for the idea that you could be, he's seeing 'his woman' as less than she is, more stale by the day compared to the freshness of you and he's warming up to the idea of you. The chats, the calls, the mails and sms, the (innocent)dinner and movie dates....that's cheating.

Then he breaks up with her so 'we' can be together, but you have no use for an available man, cos you don't want a relationship, you want an illusion of one, cos you're freaking scared, so you become distant and all evasive of him and prepare for your next illusion.

We may not be having sizzling HOT affairs with married/unavailable men, but somehow you find yourself in the position of 'the other woman', because you think it's just innocent, till you start to doubt yourself.  We've got to understand that we are lovable and that we deserve to have an open, equal and loving relationship, rather than be impatient enough to wait thus accepting the title of 'the other woman'.

I'm sick of all the comments of 'your shakara too much, better choose one guy now, before this thing you call beauty would fade and you'll start doing the chasing or worse, settle as the other woman to one chief alhaji' thats a quote from a friend, tufiakwa...
Met my first openly gay guy, I may be against it, but he's such a wonderful fella, all finger snapping and head twisting, and so hilarious with stories of his boyfriend(had to hold myself back from asking him how he could love a man that way.) Best of all, he does my make up wonderfully well. He's the 40th wonder of my world. Don't know what the 29th to 39th wonders are, but i couldnt put him on top of the list. I've seen lots of gay folks, but never have I come across a 'gay and proud' Nigerian in Nigeria... Only in lagos people, only in lagos.

Friday, May 9, 2008

santini and my soul

i kinda stole this, well took permission but didnt get the go ahead to post it here. but who cares yeah?..lol
most girls have come across the santinis of the world, proteges of casanova,Don Juan, frank sinatra and the fictional 'bond...james bond' ...

i was quite impressed(so impressed i stole it) as it was written by a guy, he got to the core of what the ladies feel(maybe he is a santini no?) or maybe he's been done the santini...cos come to think of it there are female santinis around the globe too, those taking over from helen of troy , cleopatra, fantasy queen(lol) et co.
enjoy this...would really love to hear our santini stories

The infinitivity of the darkness of space,

Nature abhors vacuum, but still the screams in my heart cannot be heard.

The earth is a mere speck when placed in the foreground of the universe

how much smaller, this train carriage,

even more minute then, me, Claire

little ol' Claire.

Not much more than a statistic.

I think thats an accurate description of how he made me feel.

You'd think the daily 10 to 20 requests for my phone number would make me feel special.

You'd probably also think the 100 or so envious looks from all kinds of girls and women would invoke some sense of superiority in me.

Does my 500 Pound purse equal contentment?

Do my trendy designer clothes equal confidence?

You know what, there might have been elements of truth in all the above if Santini didn’t grip my soul so tightly.

The time we spent together was great;his touch, his stares, his kiss.

He'd caress me with his words, have me wide open,

but i could never seem to get into him,it was like he knew my all, but i only saw his surface.

The sex was amazing, he made me laugh,he was real with me, he gave the best advice.

My friends said they really liked him, and always asked why we werent official,

I always gave excuses, til i ran out and lied we were.

he moved with a certain calm, cool, which i recall the most from the numerous times i lay on my bed and watched him leave my room.he never let me walk him to the door.

The heartache would begin a few hours after his departurethe realisation that he didnt fully belog to me would creep up on me slowly

My mind would be flash flooded with thoughts of the other women he might be with,

what he tells his friends about me, if I'll ever see him again.

You see he answers everything i ask him about himself, but yet he seems like a stranger to me in someways.

Maybe Santini is some southern American word for Satan!

A bit similar aren't they?

I never see him when i want to, which to be honest, is all the time,but i offer no resistance when i get that call or text saying 'im comin over...'

I want to let him go,i think that will be best for me,

but i fear the hole it'll leave in me.

I fear I'll never meet another that lives up to him.

But he hurts me so much without tryin...

by.........aka dini dangerfield.

(tried to get a picture to describe this, my creative juice kept flooding over, but i just couldnt get the right pic)

Friday, May 2, 2008


didnt go to work today,called in sick. yeah i really am sick, my leg hurts bad, saw my doctor for it(gave me pain killers, which just makes me drowsy, i mean give me pain killers, if i want to sleep i know what to take) got a cold too. but worse of all, my minds sick.
recently i've been feeling all blue and dark and scary, tried spinning it off and thinking happy thoughts, even sound of musics 'favorite things' music, greatly substituted with my faves didnt help out..
i feel so depressed that i hurt physically, my chest expands to a point where i feel it'll explode any minute. i thought i was over this phase, i'm way past my teen years to blame it on hormones.

i was so sure i had reached the point where i ought to be. i was wholesomely a woman of substance 100% sure of who i was. maybe i really have arrived there, but its so overwhelming to deal with. i found myself crying me to sleep last night. thats when i knew i was in trouble.
perfection/satisfaction may not be that perfect in every sense of the word, it gets frustrating, its not a bed of roses, rather a wall splashed with uncertainties.

this is a point where i pray as i wonder, and hold myself back from whispering 'take away my mountain lord' rather i've been whispering loudly 'give me the strength to climb'. my gift, my curse...so much is expected of me, so much i cant deliver and i fear the judgment. why cant they understand that i am only human like they are.

i'm going through an emotional voyage, the tide gets so strong i fear i'll loose myself in the storm and jump overboard, but i pray loudly that i'm somehow able to be as brave as the captain of this ship called my life and stay on board. i'm laughing on the outside and screaming on the inside.
if i didnt have a family so in love with me
or my nieces
or just have mom call me up to 'check on me'
would i jump this ship?

went for a full spa option, got my hair did. cos i thought to myself,'if all else fails in my bid to overcome depression, then look beautiful'...nothing feels good like having cars slow down, or guys doing the double take on you, at least you get an instant smile on your face.

it rained all evening today, like really heavy. i stepped out in the rain, wanting it to wash away my blueness. damn, the movies makes it look so cool, the drenched tops, standing still, eyes wide open as it washes em up, you know the wet hair and all, well i forgot i just got my hair did,all the spritz and stuff kept running in my eyes,thats when i remembered how much i spent on the hair....LMAO. at least i can laugh about stuff.
having a sense of humor in depression is certainly the best medicine.
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