who am i?

"I write for the unlearned about things in which I am unlearned myself." - CS Lewis, Reflections on the Psalms

Thursday, August 21, 2008

for carl!

I'm not one to judge, but like loads of bloggers I've silently watched carlang deny his feelings for his besty stolic(not one to judge,so maybe he feels nothing...ahem)
This scene from the movie chasing amy, where holden mcneil was driving with his best friend alyssa jones and then stopped the car to declare his love for her. Its a moving speech he gave. And I think you should try it carlang. Assuming you've got feelings for her that is.

Holden mcneil(carl): I love you. And not in a friendly way, although I think we're great friends, and not in a misplaced affection, puppy dog way, although I'm sure that's what you'll call it. I love you. Very, very simple, very truly. You are the epitome of everything I have ever looked for in another human being. And I know that you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is the furtherest thing fron an option you would ever consider. But I had to say it. I just can't take it anymore.

I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you, I can't. I can't look into your eyes without feeling that, that longing you only read about in thrashy romance novels. I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are.
And I know this will probably queer our friendship- no pun intended- but I had to say it, because I've never felt this way before and I don't care.

I like who I am because of it. And if bringing this to light means we can't hang out anymore then that hurts me *insert*(fantasy queen is ready to be my new bestfriend though so it wouldn't really matter).
But God, I just, I couldn't allow another day to go by without just getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shootdown.
And you know I'll accept that. But I know, I know some part of you is hesistating for a moment, and if there is a moment of hesistation, then that means you feel something too.all I ask, please is that you just, you just not dimiss that- and try to dwell in it for just ten seconds.

Alyssa(stolic) there isn't another soul on this fucking planet who has ever made me feel half the person I am when I'm with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it is there between you and me. You can't dey that. Even if, you know, even if we never talk again after tonight,please know that I'm forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me.
Now that's some powerful speech, I fell for it and was nodding yes before i snapped back to reality and realised I was on my couch and no one was talking to me.

But I can't help thinking, what's the next level he wants to move to with her? Is it sex? Is that what he's thinking? And is that what'll make their already great friendship perfect?

So carl, the ball is in your court. And be sure to vidcam this it when you do, I'm sure it'd be an oscar worthy performance. Lol

Thursday, August 14, 2008

NO 29...climb to the top of a mountain.

FQ's back to life. thanks y'all for the encouraging words. it was scary, i'm still a bit weak but i ain't going nowhere anytime soon. yes i got bitch slapped by christiana yang, ha, no OR for her with me. the power of prayers is more than we can ever imagine. it was a blood clot, that was the diagnosis, but after so much declaration and praying we saw the caddy again and everythings clear. theres still the possibility of asthma thus i still got to be on an inhaler and some sedatives though. but its all good.

maybe my 101 things to do before you're old and boring should be 101 things to do before you're dead and decayed. lol'

things to do no.29....Climb to the top of a mountain
those who know me and maybe call me lazy(secretly) would have to swallow their words which might perhabs choke them(oh yes, i hope it does), because fellas... i have, yes me have actually climbed a mountain! Mount Kumgang or diamond mountain in kumgangsan, north korea, known as the most beautiful mountain in east asia, its been known for its beauty since antiquity,rising to 5,374 ft. within it houses beautiful lakes, rivers and such breathtaking peaks, the koreans have a believe that one would regret it if he doesnt see the mountain before he dies. There are scenic ravines and caverns and loads of ancient Buddhist temples.

the ascent was a challenging climb,so steep that if staircases and footmarks weren't craved out of the rocks i'd be one of the 'lost casualties', there was a scary walk across a snake bridge(i swear i saw myself dead, that was the scariest ten minute walk i've ever taken, as the rivers roared underneath me and the rocks waited patiently for a slip from above) , despite the steepness and the fear, the surrounding pinnacles which soared like needles made from stone from the depth of the valley, the beautiful waterfall, the wild flowers,in splashes of beautiful colours made it worth the climb, though at the time i couldn't think cos i kept chanting "what have i gotten myself into?, why didnt i stay back in the hotel"

it took a whole 3 or more hour hike to get to the top. and as i stood at the top, not seeing anything because of the cloudy mist around, i felt i had my head stuck in the clouds, like the world had disappeared and we were the only ones left.... but most of all, i felt victorious, i made it to the top, the climb back was almost as scary but i'm still alive,i guess the fear of scary wild animals the tour guide told us about and the fear of getting missing kept me going...but it was all worth it cos i can tick it off in my to do book.

climb to the top of a mountain...looking at it from a non literally term, i see it to be, don't give up, whatever the situation, no matter how scary, tiring and frustrating it be, we have to endure, overcome our fears and put aside our weakness to conquer our mountains of problems. when those moments come, we should pray, not for the mountain to be taken away, but for the strenght to climb, cos the climb, the final step that leads us to the top makes it all worth it...chao!

Sunday, August 10, 2008

FQ is all about psalm 118:17

I will not die but live, and I will proclaim what the lord has done. Psalm 118:17.

That’s my portion. almost lost it a couple of times in the past week. I felt myself going, my sisters saw me going and as they prayed and screamed at me to hang on, somehow got the strength to hang on. You know that feeling like you think ‘what the hell am I doing, I can stop this’ but somehow you cant stop it cos you’re not in control of your body. Your thoughts are all jumbled. And all I could do is scream for my mummy(that’s the power of parents) all the while i kept thinking 'i cannot die now, i have a life to live, i have things to do, theres a sweet man somewhere for me waiting and he cant loose me(lol, i had to think of that to) i've got babies to have, i've got a whole load of goodness ahead of me)

Frantic prayers, doctor and nurses running round, then a shot of this and that to calm me down and then I’m strong enough to worry about mom who’s in London crying and trying frantically to get a flight out the next day to be with her baby .but so afraid to sleep cos the devil put fear into me that the thought of closing my eyes felt like giving in to death.

the attack comes as a tightness in my chest and i'm practically breathless, almost like an asthma attack, but clearly not an asthma attack. my head is light and the more i gasp for breath the more i dont get any in and i'm light headed and feeling lost and ....i really cant describe how it happens...
There I was three nights in the hospital, the docs not figuring out whats wrong as my chest and lungs are clear, so what causes the spasms and breathlessness ,and the only question the various doctors keep asking trying to relate it to is maybe an emotional trauma? panic attacks? and almost bringing in a shrink…that’s like crap, I’ve been through worse and I might cry but I never get traumatized to a point of almost loosing my life. do you have a boyfriend? do you want a boyfriend?(yeah, like that'd make me breathless) I’m this close to humoring them and telling them that there’s some guy somewhere who takes my breath away, I think of him and I’m breathless till I get to the roadblock to the grave and I’m sternly commanded to go back to life. Lol. Not funny(but they desperately want to hear something) one asked me if I was broke, needed something desperately? (seriously? i just hit the biggest deal of my life so far, so money aint near it).
Moments like this made me wish I could be in a scene in greys anatomy, have Christiana yang examine me, then get pissed off cos its just some minor issues that don’t require a heart surgery….but of course they figure out what it is and i'm well again. where’s fairytale coming to life when you need it?

But all things happen for a reason, I’m closer to God now and I keep speaking his word to myself, for he has said I shall not die but live and I will proclaim what he has done. For he has said in psalm 121 ‘he watches over me and will neither slumber or sleep’. In isaiah 43 he has said I should fear not for he has redeemed me, I am his, he knows my name, I am precious and honored in his sight, and he loves me".Its amazing the power of Gods word, for as you speak it you repel the enemies, maybe its medical, maybe its more than what meets the eyes, whatever it be he asked me to fear not. And I will fear not, I will live to proclaim his goodness.(man maybe I should turn pastor)

I did an ecg and all the medical thingy tests on friday. I have an appointment with the cardiologist monday morning, and some other specialists too.i'm tired of the humor i try to keep up with friends who come around or call to see how i'm doing.
and i'm so awed at the friends i never knew i had, people i called acquaintances are always around me, checking up and being sweet. flowers, chocolates, cards....

geez, the all mighty wannabe posh me has been seen at her worst, hair all scattered, face as bare as ...bare, no earrings, no bra...ewwww and to think all the wannabe boyfriends saw me that way, some where unfortunate enough to be there when i had attacks. at least they haven't stopped calling(i probably didnt look so bad.lol) now i've got a weave(conrow) on my head, five weaves to be precise and it makes me feel like a little school girl without the makeups, just a chapstick.LMAO. i love the look.

moms here with me, she arrived tonight and I feel good, I’ll sleep close to her tonight, and get that tlc, I’ll feel her wake up at night to check my temperature for fever(not like i have any), I’ll feel her arrange the duvet around me and prop my head up(I have to sleep propped up to aid my breathing), and i'll hear her whispering in prayer for me in the dark. I’m sure it is well with me.
pray for me and wish me luck y'all
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