who am i?

"I write for the unlearned about things in which I am unlearned myself." - CS Lewis, Reflections on the Psalms

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

this is me....

so i've been on this journey of finding myself for so long its like totally out of fashion...like so 3 years ago. i'm sick and tired of the 'i dont know who i am' one moment and turning round the next saying
'i'm this and that' and the next moment i'm totally blank on it all. fine, i know i'm one of the most complex of creations ever, but even complexity has a centre of knowledge of self.
this christmas i tried writing down things i know i am...excluding the whole fabolousness,sweetness and wowness of me :)i'm bored already with that(okay this is the part you're meant to laugh, cos obviously i'm kidding...or not, really i'm a great girl and since its true what i say then i wouldnt call it bragging would i?

This is me,
The one who grins like the Cheshire cat that was a source of amusement for alice in wonderland
And like it disappearing and appearing at the different curves and turns of your emotions
Causing turmoil’s in that once certain sanity of yours, mine and ours.

This is me
Built with the perfect defense against life, self and you
The calmest of mind
Used to manipulate life, you and me

This is me
Embedded in my self created sanctuary
A conflict of words spoken, one word that goes either way contrasting meanings either clarifying or casting shadow on your truth, More like an antonym

This is me
A quantum of bleak reality drowned in the anticipated bliss of fantasy world
A contradiction of words and actions
A living and breathing oxymoron
Who’s lived in light in the deep of the dark,
An imp of an angel, bitter sweet, high and low on life
Shallow yet so deep, strong but fragile, independent but in need,
Fearless and strong but yet scared of looming heartbreaks of emotions

This is me
Who will not sacrifice my humanity for vanity
But will sometimes give up life for a minute for the perfect therapy of shopping☺,
This is me, but is this really me?

This is me,
Whos gone through the good the bad and the ugly of years past,
But who isn’t faltered cos the good tips the scales and outweighs both the bad and the ugly lodged together

This is me
Who believes in the hidden goodness of life
That’s lifted me up on a platform
High enough for the world to see
And as I lift up my hands in victory
My knowing Cheshire grin says ‘God and God alone’

This is me,
this is me...
some call me fantasy queen amongst other names.
but really, they're just names
and they dont define me,
i'm just that person that i am
Better than most, not as good as some, same as a few, but otherwise uniquely different from all…
This is me
Not less but definitely more than the sum total of who I really.

now i call this process. i critised as much as i praised myself. hopefully this would be a year of more discovery i.e love(and hopefuully it wouldnt be with mr. arse cos really thats what he is, an arse.)

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Conflict of emotions!

How strong a word hate is,

Such a deep stringing emotion.

As powerful as love.

But then love heals, hate destroys, or maybe it does heal too?

What do you call the emotion where u love a person as much as you hate him?


Right now deep down in my guts I hate him....yes its normal to feel this way cos he left, but its more than it being about the fact that he died or his remembrance day is approaching.

I HATE HIM!!! even as much as I love him.God help me

I find a lot to blame him for.

Somethings aren't just as perfect as we hope for.

I know I'll come back and read this, and regret that I wrote it, and hate myself for writing it, but I hope I don't delete it. Cos this makes me feel human, somethings aren't always what we want them to be......even I can't force my emotion to be what it should.

I want to keep seeing him as my hero who can do nothing wrong beyond what I know he can as a human

And I want to keep calling myself his little mummy,

But Some days are just meant to be reality checks for us...a wake up call from fantasy land.

Nothing is always at it seems....not even perfection!

Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

heading to J-town

Whenever I'm in jos there's always this feeling of .... Don't know what to call it, but its a good feeling.
Except for today, cos all I can think of is the bloodshed from a few weeks back, the pain and losses so many people had to go through, the cousin of a friends friend who was brutally murdered, the friends family house that was set ablaze with his cousins in it. So much loss over nothing
There's tight security and police checkpoints everywhere, that's the only sign that there's tension on the air, every otherthing looks normal. Well I'm still in the outskirts of town, so maybe I might see what I think I'll see as we drive into town, although I hope not to see no burnt or wrecked objects.

I used to be all excited about coming to jos, it holds beautiful memories of wonderful vacations with dad and mom and the whole family, whenever I see the cactus plants at the outskirts, and the mini markets with loads of fresh vegies and potatoes I get impatient to get into the town. but today all I feel is fear, would mom and I be caught up in some spontaneous drama of bloodshed?
Every face around me suddenly has the mark of a mercenary...I'm a bit paranoid.

But all said, I'm glad I'm seeing the hills and the rocks again. Maybe someday my childhood dream of actually climbing some of this rocks would actually come to pass, but till then I'll keep imagining me on them :)
I'll wear my cardigan and a vest all morning, cos its a bit chilly. i remember those days were it used to rain ice, tiny drops of ice falling when it rained, now with the whole global warming/weather change it hardly ever happens anymore...I love the weather here
Heading straight to the hospital, have an appointment with some consultant, after that, i wish i could explore this town I love....go visiting friends, hopefully there would be no drive up those hills...too faint hearted for that right now,
God bless all those who lost someone in the jos crisis.

Its going to be a good year!

Saturday, January 3, 2009


Happy newyear!
2009...Who would have thought
It is my year of self discovery, aggressive pursuit of happiness and fulfillment.
God bless us all this year.
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