who am i?

"I write for the unlearned about things in which I am unlearned myself." - CS Lewis, Reflections on the Psalms

Sunday, December 30, 2007

hi y'all! accchoooooo....choooo...achooooo! i have a terrible cold and frustrating sneeze...it always happens at this paticular time of the year, i thought i had escaped it this time only to wake up yesterday morning with a fever and blocked nose, now i'm wallowing in self pity.
its the end of the year...well it would be in less than fourtyeight hours....hope i did the calculations right.
its been a whirl wind of a year, the good, the bad and the ugly intertwined, but all that matters is that we made it, we overcame every obstacles and that proves that we definately are bigger than out problems and obstacles.

in 2007, i took a hold of my life, although the grip wasnt too strong but it was enough to put me back on track, i dusted the dirts of my shoulder, well a bit of it and i hope to dust off more by the new year.
we got to win the election, and it was definately a case of 'may the best man win', despite all the talks of riggin, i think the best man really did win in this case and work definately is in progress...no, this doesnt refer to our dear president.

in 2007, i left dark and scary behind and became a big girl filled with sunshine, it dont matter that i'm still the lil' girl whos scared of committement, i'll leave that to 2008 to tackle....

basically,Gods been good...even the cold cant stop me from being thankful. having an end of year bbq tomorow and imma rock that show, looking forward to it, social occassions with the family is something to look forward to, its always inventful..

hope everyone had a blast this year, and hope y'all have all the best in the coming year, may all our past dissappiontments turn into blessings in the coming year. accchoooooooo. Remain blessed!

Monday, December 17, 2007

lifes good......

gosh, i've been having a jolly good time, my nieces are home, my sisters too. we're all back home with mom, i'm so loving the time we're spending together. haven't checked my mails in ages or blogged anywhere in ages, kind of a detox from it all....lifes good innit?.

is it me or did this year just pass by so fast?(okay, i know everyones been saying it so it's obviously not me) its like an express train which just goes non stop to the end. i can still remember exactly what i was doing on this day last year, thats because it just feels like yesterday. i love this time of the year, the Christmas carols, the anticipation of christmas day and all the goodness it holds.its really fun, laying all the colours and seeing the tree transform from an old fig to a colorful and bright beauty....
what do i want for xmas? the list is endless, and i enjoy writing them cos somehow i just feel that by putting my wishes down on paper no matter how impossible they seem, theres always a chance that it may come true, and its always exciting to see at least one thing ticked off as achieved. i've gotten the laptop, the wristwatch, still no iphone, fingers crossed on that...

what good have i achieved this year?... i dunno, but it hasnt ended yet, i've still got about three weeks to go, maybe something extra ordinarily pleasant will happen. last year i know i messed up a lot, things better left forgotten but still hanging somewhere in the surface. my birthday was on the 6th of july, but i didnt do anything extra special to mark it because i didnt feel extra special.i was still in the deep end of being scary and damaged, but this year,i had a blast on my bday and most of the year. hopefully i'm approaching sunny and bright days... wish me luck!

 
i'm loving my time away from work, gosh, moms making me feel good again, i'm back to being her 24hr jeans wearing baby...except i fight for her attention with my nieces.i love the weather....its so christmases...cold and dry and dusty, thats the north for you, the harmatan just rocks my world, i sleep with no a/c or fan and my butt just freezes off...life definitely is good.
hope y'all having as much fun this season...

Saturday, December 8, 2007

waiting.....

someone posted this picture on my facebook page...it was funny at a glance, then i noticed who the sender was, then i became livid and almost sent a hate mail to him, then i saw the humor in it, then i laughed again, and forwarded to a few friends.
i was mad, cos the sender was my first serious crush(haven't ever really fallen in love) till i decided i couldn't and wouldn't date him and i walked away....like i always do, it killed me but i did it, now he's married, with two lovely kids(its annoying to know he could finally stop calling to plead and he could move on, even find a soul mate in someone else) and tres painful to see wifey in most mags i pick up
twas just that feeling that maybe he was trying to tell me to get a life, cos i'll never find that 100% perfect man, thus would keep sending the near perfect away(like him)....
we're cool like that now tho, i don't regret that much and i guess he still does, but hey, we move on.



thats me on the wheel chair, the one the ray of light shines on...uhmmmm, maybe theres still hope....LOL.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Looking past the anatomys in Greys Anatomy


(used this old pics cos i couldnt imagine using one without dr. burke)

i'm such a fan of greys anatomy, i'm like addicted to it and enthralled with all the drama that takes place in seattle grace hospital. i've got the dvds that i just keep watching over and over again. , since we are still behind in Nigeria, like in the 3rd season(how screwed is that)and i just cant imagine myself waiting to watch what is already being aired.
i kind of relate with meredith, her fear of commitment, her struggles and the whole dark and gloomy existence...well to an extent, i'm not as screwed up as she is(i hope)

But it's sort of not all about the McSteamys and the McDreamys(who by the way are absolutely hot, steamy and dreamy)... my interest goes deeper than that, cos every episode gives me food for thought on certain issues room for reasonable thinking way past the hormones the hotties rise in our bodies. heres a voice over of meredith..

"the early bird catches the worm; a stitch in time saves nine. He who hesistates is lost. We can't pretend we havent been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard our granparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to 'seize the day'. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep todays possibilities under tomorrows rug untill we can't anymore, untill we finally undersstand for ourselves like Benjamin Franklin meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping. And that even the biggest failure, even the worst most intractable mistakes beats the hell out of never trying"


i keep reflecting on that and somehow by doing that i've been able to take the necessary steps to start doing things i always had doubts about cos like meredith says" knowing is better than wondering" and "we have to make our own mistakes." i've realized that i just can't keep hiding in this cosy cocoon i created for myself cos that way i never get to take risk and so i just remain stuck at the place where i am forever. i wouldn't want to stay on the other side of the road, waiting cos i'm scared i'd get hit by a car and so at the end of the day i'll bite my nails and wonder what could have been if i actually crossed over.... i can never get a six if i don't throw the dice.... so i'm letting myself go completely(well gradually) and i'm going to let myself take all the risk i can...i'll risk selling my ideas, i'll risk speaking out, and hell yeah i'll risk falling in love.....


NB...is it me or is greys anatomy loosing IT,it just doesnt seem to have as much appeal this season,with burke(isiah washington) gone and all, i mean i can afford not to download episodes on itunes for weeks after its aired, which was so not possibly sane for the previous seasons.... hope it picks up its vibes again, or else i'd be McBroken!!

Thursday, November 29, 2007

shut up and drive!

i like to think myself as the pro when it comes to driving, since i was 16/17yrs, whenever it was since i was bold enough to sneak out with the car, i've never had an accident. i've been called a rough rider, someone said kind of like rough on the edges smooth on the surface(watever that means), i love speed, well thats when i'm the source of the speed, and i'm driving by myself(me alone in a car brings out the roadrunner in me).my favorite me joke is saying the only time i would have an accident is if i happen to own a hummer,cos i'd keep driving it into walls and fences delibrately, i hate the car to bits and would derive absolute pleasure in seeing it ruined.(the car would be a gift by the way)
theres all this awareness in the media of the dangers of multi tasking while driving,novembers' edition of readers digest gave some horrid details and facts of DUI, and the current issue of american edition of cosmopolitan mag had a story of 4 young girls, fresh out of high school who perished in a car crash, there's evidence that a text message was sent by the driver of the vehicle at the time of the fatal crash, but no proof as to if that was the cause...

i pride myself on being a suave driver, and an intelligent one too,parallel parking aint nothing on me(round of applause here) i'm one of those who multi task while driving, i create playlist on my ipod or search for songs, eat , make calls, text chat, look sideways at the passenger seat to smile for the camera...or if i have a bright idea i quikly pick up my pen,put the notepad on the steering and i'm jotting and driving same time, and when my lil' angels are in the car with me, i'm constantly looking back to check out what they are up to, playing games with em and bending down to pick up stuff...and of course there is the occassisonal makeup sessions(NOTE: not makeout sessions, havent tried that yet).
with me and most chics,i'm guessing the rear view mirror is more of a face view mirror, how many times have i reversed while staring in the mirror only to realise its my face staring back and not the rear...its a miracle i've never run into a lil' child or a curella's brand new jeep while staring at myself...now that would have been an eye opener.
i hate to admit it but there have been a couple of DUI's,i prefer to drive myself home after a party(not like i party much)i'm more alert then and my friends trust me enough to deliver us home safely after our time out, but it doesnt matter how safe i can be, its wrong, i'm feeling its alright cos i can be safe, but what of the others who think its alright too and end up loosing their lifes and taking that of others with em' all because like me, maybe they felt they were safe.

i've realised it doesnt matter that i've never had an accident, from the way i've been going, maybe it'd be someday and i wouldnt have a second chance to learn from that mistake...(i know i've seen myself crash a few times...remember in a previous post'weird stuff" i said i kind of see things and i think maybe God's trying to show me what might have been)
i've got a friend who loves to put his screen down when he drives, to impress the ladies? i wouldnt know, cos it really doesnt make sense that u're driving and watching a movie same time. and another who almost had an accident with me in the car cos he was searching something out on his PDA for me...thinking back all i can say is WOW...that'd have been fatal, and one who prides himself on being called SPEED cos he's mad crazy when it comes to driving, another chic who just loves to give the guys a run for their cars, sort of proving that 'my car may not be hot as yours but i can make it work better than you can handle yours'...only it was my car she loved to use to prove that. the other who loves to give me driving sex tales, fact or fiction, it doent matter, it bores down to unneccesary risk(what happens if u crash and die when being all kinky...)

i hate using handsfree devices, but i'm going to try or learn to use the speaker, i'll put on my make up before i start moving, i'll wait till i'm packed before sending txt msges, i wouldnt indulge my nieces anymore by letting them drive with me without their seatbelts on neither would i let anyone of em who's been good to seat on my laps while driving(i'll find another treat for them), my rear view would be used for what it is(hopefully i wouldnt be viewing anybody's rear lol)

hope y'all try to limit your multitasking while driving...lets keep ourselves alive a lil' bit longer aight?


this pics says it all for the guys

Thursday, November 22, 2007

30 Days of thankfulness - Day 23

i was tagged by ejura
Join me in the Thankfulness Chain....if you've been tagged, please complete the tag on the assigned day example... if you're tagged for November 21... that is day 21 and you should title your post 30 Days of Thankfulness - Day 21 provide a link to the person that tagged you previously Also provide a link to the two people that you're tagging for the next day so we can all follow the chain... DO let them know they're being tagged.. why they're being tagged, and how to grow the chain if you're unable to do the tag on your assigned day... still choose the day to reflect the date you do it (if you're choosing not to back date it) ...example... if you're tagged for November 25 but dont get to do it till November 27... and you're not back dating.. it's okay to do it as Day 27 you can post these rules or something to this effect to help it along.. :-) (From Diamond)

i'm thankful

to God for his grace and mercy and blessings despite myself...

for my family, for mom who is the ultimate woman of substance, my bros and sis who are princes and princesses of a kind, my nieces who have brought sunshine into our lifes...

for each new day that passes, cos as each night kisses the day goodbye i get closer to understanding who i am, closer to stop questioning what i am about, and accepting that i am a creature unlike any other and this is not my curse as i see it but a blessing.

for coffee and oreos and icecream, caramel, plantain, cerealac and fried yam...without them i wouldnt make the uhmmmmmm sound so often...

for music, for they soothe, they energize, and they just make everything seem alright.for frank sinatra, john legend and neyo's unique sound that makes me all warm and tingly when i lie in my bed at night, where would i be without the thrills of hearing micheal jackson beat it,or katie melua and amy winehouse and .......

that i can skip a meal or two just because i feel like and not because i dont have any and that i can say 'i've got it all'...well sort of, most of the things i still wish for are mostly out of greed.

for greys anatomy...all those mcsteamys and mcdreamys

for pens and papers, even though i'm not a master of the craft of writing, my life would have been impossible if i couldnt jot my thots down no matter how plain they might be in my lil' but imposing glittery book and my...

for books, they are first class tickets to my journey of imaginations and fantasies, they've opened me up to explore worlds unknown,showed me world in colours so bright and beautiful

i'm thankful for much more, more than i can ever say, for all my senses and for every hair on my body, for every disappiontments i've faced, for i've come to realise they are bigger blessings in disguise, for success, for closure, for protection.....for the rains and the sun, for the birds and the trees....i think i'll just sum it all up to this THANK YOU JESUS!!!!

i'm tagging supergirl, bighead

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

fantasy queen...8 weird things!!!!

i got tagged by olamild...shoot, now i have to admit i'm a serial killer !!!
where do i start from, cos i'm sure i'm pretty normal, wish i could say i turn into a butterfly anytime i'm kissed or my kisses turn frogs to princes or my nose grows long when i lie,but i'm only human so here are eight weird things(if i figure i cant find up to eight then i'd just have to remix the earlier weirds...although i'm sure theres nothing weird about me..

1.body: I'm a cold blooded animal...its weird? no matter how hot the weather is my feet and palms are always almost ice cold,i love it but makes it difficult for holding hand in cold weather.

2.food:when it comes to food....i come from a family where of semi explorers...
me...i'm a friend yam/plantain chic, all year round. sometimes i go days without food, just drinks. i'm a sucker for baby food....could live on cerealac for weeks.

3.looks: my look is my greatest insecurity...this would be weird to those who know me, not blowing horns here but i get to be called 'pretty' and 'beautiful' now and then...but i'm insecure about it, reasons? dunno!!!

4.sleep: i love teddys and dolls but if they happen to be around my bed at night i drag em by the ear and fling em far away from my bedroom(giving them the worst abuse ever, incase they really are evil at night), i do that to my nieces teletubbies, barbies and stuffed animals too...dont blame me, chukky from childs play and taunts from my brother of my dolls being chukky incarnates taught me to be wise and i still feel weird about em' at night and i know i have to cuddle up before i can sleep so i use my pillow as substitute. ...i cant sleep without covering my feet,if i happen to doze off in the living room, then the throw pillow or whatever book/magazine i'm reading acts as my substitute blanket,its from a childhood of being scared a monster would be come from under the bed to drag me down...so there u go.

5.nonchalant: em' lets see...i'm a master of missed opportunities..i kind of have a way of getting what i want from people, u know, i just ask and somehow the toughest of em are mellow and give in, so i tend not to ask alot cos i feel its me being manipulative and i hate manipulative people

6.emotions: i dont cry, i find it so difficult to cry especially at hard things, a death, heartbreaks(not like i get em)disappointments, scolding and all em' stuff, but the littlest of things, a kiss from my nieces and i tear up, a lil' dialogue in a movie and i cry...etc, then i cry when i'm sick especially during consultation.talking about sick, i know i'm falling ill when suddenly i'm taking off my earrings and every jewelry on my body, especially my anklet, which is like the most permanent fixture on my body(once it comes off i know it's a bad illness)...i feel like the metals are evils that add fuel to the fire of my shivers...

7.supernatural: i have flash back episodes in my life,sort of dejavu's i see things in my dreams that seem so real and soon after in reality i find myself in a place i've never being but looks familiar and i realize its from my dream and things are going almost accordingly...in that category too, i walk down the stairs and in a flash i see myself falling...or i'm driving and i see myself crashing, it feels like i have insights of what might have been but something stopped it from ending that way...now this is a fact, a scary one too, i tell myself God is trying to show me someways in which he protects me...

8.company: i'm a loner, i love to be by myself and sometimes i lock myself up in the toilet for hours reading just cos i want to be alone, i don't even mind when my sis and bro taunt me with the name 'bottom power' it doesn't matter what they think i'm doing inside there as long as i get my space...living in my house, you don't get to use keys cos they'd just walk right thru the door into ur privacy like its a transparent wall and since you are flesh and blood you aren't entitled to alone time...
not sure why i sometimes feel like i hate people around me...

yeaaaay i did it, i did get up to 8 things that are kind of weird...yippie.
so now i tag , afrobabe, ozaveshe, carlang , and em'...you.whoever u are readin

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Big broda gone bad....

i've never been a fan of Mr. Arsene Wenger, partly cos i've never been a fan of arsenal and partly cos i hate his looks, and i think he is too arrogant, although i admit his team are one hell of a team, they play and deliver good football...manchester united rocks my world tho....

okay, arsene got my special attention and applause when i read his opinion of bigbrother
"i dont watch bigbrother, it is the wrong side of modern society that people who do nothing quickly become famous with no merit other than sitting in front of the camera. i dont like that fake side, to become a great foothballer, you need motivation, dedication, talent...and yet just being in front of camera makes you considered successful"

i agree its entertaining,but common...seriously? getting fame for sleeping, drinking, showering, cooking and commiting adultery in full view of the world, digging nose, scraching and playing with crouches e.t.c
BB Afica ended today, with Richard emerging as winner, i never sat down to watch the show to know enough of who's who and stuff, but i couldnt remain oblivious to the whole richard/tatiana drama, the dude was married and he just went on with it, how irresponsible, but Africa of course loved it, and so he emerged winner...or what of the episode where he kept carressing ofuneka while she was sleeping(this is hearsay, is it true?), now isnt that supposed to be regarded as rape(in a subtle way)...there was another guy who left a pregnant girlfriend outside and kept declaring love to someone else in the house...where are morals here?
Africans spent money voting for an adulterer to win....

personally i think the show should be scraped,(do i sound prude?) we should focus our mind on more productive reality shows...the apprentice, american idols,west african idols, so you think you can dance, fame academy, american/britains next top model, or the other show heidi klum presents..uhm...i forget the name, something on designing....all this work at exploring talents and bringing out the best in people, pushing them to achieve and strive to be the best at what they can do...

whatever, bigbrother is over...sigh of relief...the world can go on, more men can dare to cheat openingly, and lots more can dream and strive to get into the next edition of bigbrother so they can achieve cheap fame, get laid and maybe get the tantalising cash price)...the channels can finally tune to cnn/sky, people can finally blink and watch news from around the world and get a good nights reas without fear that they might miss the soft porn of some housemates carressing and kissing and almost sexing, or miss seeing some naked bodies as baths are taken in the house...

tomorrow is monday, and that sucks...ewww...
got my hair did yesterday and it feels sinfully nice.
have a great week y'all!

Monday, November 5, 2007

angels of my life...

how could anyone not like babies?(ozaveshe) they are the epitome life, they give meaning to new beginnings, to innocence and pure joy, a breath of fresh air to life that has grown sour and croaky from the trials of the world.
we take care of them, watch that they dont fall or put stuff in their mouth, clean em' up when they mess themselves up, put them to sleep and teach them new things and help guide them when they take their first steps...thats what the world should be about, helping each other when we are at a point of helplessness and basically just looking out for each other.
they are simply adorable, even the simple and not so pleasant act of changing diapers could be..well..smelly but simply unpleasantly pleasant, the way they look at you and smile while you do they dirty job for them.

i've cleaned fevered heads, rubbed teething powders, cried at their first day in school(even more than them, thats if they cried at all), done a chicken dance at their first steps...smiled when people complimented me on 'my kids' and asked how i kept my figure after the two...lol, i am their surrogate mother, sometimes i feel i actually carried em' in me :)

my nieces, the reason for my seasons of 'bright and sunny' days, they are babies after my own heart,God's apology for taking dad away, although they've grown a bit beyond the diaper changing phase(thank God),5 and 3 yrs they are still at a place of innocence which is so enchanting, from their curiosity and laughter and joy at discovering new things, the unanswerable questions of 'why do you love me so much" when i hug for more than a minute and keep kissing em',with em' laughter is a daily dose of vitamin, constant and flowing. when i cry, they come around me and like grown ups, hold me and tap my back, or like steph did once, pulled her socks so she could clean my tears with it when she couldn't find an alternative. or gaby who would creep into bed with me when i have a cramp and her three year old self would hold me and kiss my tummy like i kiss her hurt spots, just so i can feel better...

i love being with them, just driving around while they go crazy over songs on the radio 'who's the koko' or 'why me o"(i know PG tunes)...or 'african queen" and crack up when they say '2 eyes' in their attempt at stand up comedy...their idea of a joke is calling 2face 2eyes...or marvin gayes 'uhh baby'; come to think of it do they know any nursery rhymes?..lol'
once,i was driving while we sang along and danced to pussycat dolls 'dont cha' when steph and i had this conversation:
steph: baby aunty FQ(yeap, they call me their baby)
baby aunty FQ: yes swee
steph: whos your husband?(shes told me lots of uncles are good uncles cos they've tried to lure their way into my heart thru them)
baby aunty FQ: i dont have a husband(thinking it was over i screamed 'dont cha' at her...the part in the song where we all get hyper active)
steph: why?(she wasnt through with me apparently)
baby aunty FQ: cos i cant find one i like.
steph: should i look for one for you?(her face looked so serious)
baby aunty FQ: sure darling
after a moment of silence from her
steph: is it a lighter one or a darker one? i almost crashed into the car in front of me...(see me see trouble, my four year old niece is trying to find me a husband, how pathetic, but then i shouldnt be scared cos the babies love fine bobos, the way they flock around cute dudes that show up in the house, i'm covered in the cute department if they go a-hunting for me)
baby auntyFQ: eh?...(trying to be sure i heard well. i sure did cos she repeated same question)i thought about it for a while, then i heard her lil' sis gaby who was two at the time giggling behind and asking if my husband would kiss me(kids..sigh)but i didnt get to answer her question tho...come to think of it i dont think i know if i want a lighter one or a darker one.
...just as i turned into the mall i realised what a mistake i had made cos my steph and gaby like children do, might just stop a cute stranger standing with his wife/girlfriend and embarass me. thankGod for little mercies they were more interested in getting pizza than my lack of a kissing patner.

they are my best friends..hell i wake up early in the morning so i can watch episodes of balamory, big cook, little cook,teletubbies and their favorite programs (and embarrassingly mine too). i fight with them, struggle for ice cream and oreos with em, play pretend(afterall thats what i like)...
they are my fashion consultants, when i'm parading in different outfits trying to figure out what fits best...they just say "wear the blue dress" and without thinkking twice, i wear the blue one" or when they give compliments like 'u look like chewing gum...strawberry..purple chocolate(they identify some things with colour)'..i know i look absolutely gorgeous

they are beauties and love to be in pictures, stephy loves james blunts "u're beautiful" and she'd walk into a room,stare in the mirror, half of my lipgloss poured on her lips and that of her sisters, eye shadows and blushes patched all over their faces singing "i'm beautiful..."

they moved temporarily to london this year, i was heart broken ...they cried some days before they left(and got in the groove of the trip later), somehow they understood it wasnt the usual holiday trip,new schools and all,so we said i love you's and i'll miss you's and i promised them i'll call them everyday, but steph replies in a near hysterical voice "but how can i know what you're wearing?" now that tore me up cos i realized speaking with them everyday can never make up for holding and kissing them... so each time i call i always have to say what i'm wearing and they try their best to describe what they wear "my pink dress with little daisies and a pony and..."all the details...and i cant just say "i'm in my pink nighty" cos they ask "is it the one with twinkle twinkle little stars? is your hair long today, is it touching your bumbum?'(i love long braids sometimes)...bla bla bla

they're coming home on the 8th of december. i'm doing a countdown, cant wait to have them creep bug baby aunty FQ.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

mr. dele


i wasn't a lover of school, although i cried and bugged before mum let her baby start,i learnt to dread it after the initial trip cleared,but learnt to make the most of it after being dragged there. i guess this is the point where i'm supposed to say i always came first...well, i no lie o, i never came first, but i always stuck with the top ten(true!). English/verbal attitude and literature were my faves, i was always the first to finish books at reading classes, the likes of 'eze goes to school'(saw 'no supper for eze' 2 weeks ago at numetro and i went all jolly, bought a copy for keepsake..lol), the girl who laughed etc. i remember mom would come home with a carton of story books just for me, i'd be in 9th heaven and float away instantly forgetting about sands/tenten/suwe etc and bury my nose in all those enid blytons and grimms fairy tales books(uh, no Wonder i love fantasy so, mom...i'm reporting u to oprah, and she'll feature us in a 'my mom turned me into a fantasy queen' show, i'll say how i missed out on my childhood, thats why like Michael, i hope to build my own Netherlands and bring all the lil' girls to play... and we'd cry and she'll apologise for buying me all those books)...ok, this is serious digression
i was never made a class prefect in primary school, i was too shy and sweet to control a crowd and write 'names of noise makers', those bullies would have finished me after school

ok, what got me gisting about primary school...yeah, i remember. Mr. Dele. He was my classs teacher in primary 3/4(i forget). He always smelt of cigarettes, and he was so uglyyyyyy, we even gave him a nickname(as teeny tiny as we were), we called him 'caricature' behind his back, not like we knew the meaning but it sounded like a name for an ugly person and we would crack up whenever we called him that.
as i said i wasn't a class monitor, but i was put in charge of the books cos of my love for books.i loved the job cos we had all this story books i could sneak home to read and return without the long signing process. it was my job to go to the store room at the start of each day to get books out and take em' back when we were through, the room was large but a little bit dark.
i'm in there one day and mr. Dele walks in, smelling of cigarettes as usual, and his 'caricature' face smiling, then he said
"FQ, when would i enjoy you?"....

my poor innocent mind(mtv had not corrupted me then like these days when even babies are bringing sexy back)

"on my birthday" i replied in a tiny voice(i was thinking sweets, cakes and ice cream)
"when is your birthday" he asked inching closer
"july 6th" i said
"that's too far now" he grumbled still inching closer, just then some other students walked in and i picked my books up and walked out, not knowing what it was about, but i remember that i felt relieved to be out of there.
somehow that scene never left my head, in uni i gisted a couple of friends, we had a good laugh and i even had to live with the mocking of 'FQ when would i enjoy u' in their own version of mr dele's voice...the mocking and laughter came after i analysed the situation...
what if people didnt walk in when they did?
what if he touched me or tried something more?
how many others did he corner and try to 'enjoy'?(i definitely wasn't the cutest lil' thing in my school)
did he actually molest anyone?
i'm thankful today that the story is different, but are there other lil' girls out there in our naija schools being molested and feeling too scared to talk?...i know i wouldn't have said anything if he actually tried something, i have a habit of keeping things inside me till they eat me up...
that's the story of Mr. Dele...wonder if he's still alive...fool like him. that event has somehow managed to keep replaying in my head all this years.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

59 hearty cheers for my supermom

59 hearty cheers to a woman of great value, a woman who is strong and successful, a woman whos sacrificed alot for her children, who's given up so much to give us all the comfort she feels we ought to have. a woman who stays strong in her weakest moments, who keeps walking even when the road seems like a deadend...i'm so proud of her and excited that shes come this far....
shes achieved a lot in life and made a difference on grounds she has trended, she is my(our) life support,she stands tall among her peers and in her society and i intend to stand on her shoulders, on the foundation she has built to attain higher grounds in life.
i love my mom to death, shes the next best thing to being a perfect supermom, the best granma, the most wonderful mother-in- law(for all you suitors).... shes my all in all(whatever i say, of course God always comes first), my source of inspiration, my woman of substance, my friend, my joy, my defination of unadulterated love......mama, loving you is like food to my soul... i love you.


mom is like no other.
she is one of a rare kind
An enchanting beauty,and a rare find.
a special person,my superhero
without her loving care or even her scolds and disapprovals
my life would be zero.
i'm thankful for all the love she has shown
When she is around I never feel alone.
for all the things she has done and sacrifices she has made,
i'm thankful
She brings joy to my life, and so much laughter
i can't measure the depths of my love for her
in so many ways shes been an inspiration
She is the joy in my life,the fountain where all my fears are washed
When she is around, I am never sad.
I am so glad she is my Mother
she is the wind beneath my wings
the force that pushes me to soar beyond the skies
I could never say enough of how much i love her...
on on her special day, this is my wish for her
laughter and joy
success and enchantement
Gods peace and fufillment
his love and goodness
all the days of her life which shall be long and prosperous...

Thursday, October 11, 2007

when milkshakes go sour...


whenever i decide to sit still and blog about breast cancer, i somehow always push it aside,but i would today,not because i have the time, but because i have to. its a painful subject, and i'm sure one way or the other its affected us or we know of someone who's battling against it, fighting for survival.

October is the month put aside to raise awareness on breast cancer, i think we all need the awareness because lots of us are still in the dark, we see it as something that happens to other people, forgetting that we are also the other people and so it can happen to us, even the men...yeap,y'all dudes out there saying its a female thingy, better think twice cos it affects guys too. it could be genetic, statistics show that african american women have a higher risk factor,so i guess that means we full blooded africans too. unfortunately we in africa/naija are at a disadvantage, with the health systems being in shambles we hardly care about going in for regular checkups,i dont think any doctor has ever suggested to me to have a mammograms or asked if i do the self examination thingy(cos they just dont care, untill we tell them theres a lump..God forbid though). its also genetic, we hardly know our ancestors talkless of their health history, so we cant answer questions to acertain if we are at risk or not.

a close friends lost her mom to breast cancer, it was a horrible experience, but i've never seen such courage from kids so young, i watched as she and her brothers cheered themselves up in that horrid period, i watched as they said goodbye to their mom every time she set off for london for her treatment, never knowing if that was the last time they'd see her, i watched as they lived in hope for years, thinking it was finally gone when it went on remission, i watched as they comforted their mom after she had a mastectomy, and her boys would lovingly dress and bandage the place that was once a breast that nurtured them, and i watched as she left home for the last time, back to uk...i watched as she was buried, and i knew life sucked, because she was a good woman and a wonderful mother. a strong woman who didn't let cancer get her without a fight, and thats why she lived six years after she was diagnosed, she fought with her last strength.

two weeks after my friends mom was buried, my moms best friend died of breast cancer, maybe she could have lived if she was diagnosed early...maybe. i've lost two dear people to this disease that sucks and that sucks because they turned out to be the other people i thought it happened to except they were my people.
Dr. olufunmilayo olapade of universty of chicago is one of the leading dr's taking charge of the battle against breast cancer, i'm proud shes a nigerian and fighting for a good cause.
i'll don my pink ribbon this month and be a pink lady in this battle for life, i'll help spread the word cos we all should choose life and the only way to do that is be watchful and alert with our bodies...so girls n fellas, please do yourselves a favor and check those milkshakes of urs(by milkshake,i refer to the ladies of course, u guys can check the dots on ur chest)....lets not let our milkshakes get sour...keep it pink y'all.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

Return of the Juv..

he sounded happy, he sounded sane, i sounded excited...why shouldnt i be, havent seen, spoken or heard from him in years, dont know what he looks like now, cant imagine how tall he'd be. stubborn? yes he was, but the nicest stubborn soul ever. did he play all the pranks for attention? a chance to be heard or for want to feel Bad. his grades were worst than bad, he was always sent home from school, he moved schools like i change lipsticks.

Yes, he stole, it started from the little bits here and there, a gold earring here , a gold pendant there, a couple of thousands of naira, then a hundred thousand here, a thousand dollars there...all when he was in secondary school, and then somehow he went overboard, carted away with hundreds of thousands and a box of jewelry worth more than the money he stole...that was the last straw, it was obvious it wasn't a phase that would pass or a thing that could be dealt with at home,he was shipped off to remand home to everyone's relief and joy, but there was the undertone of worry, would he come out worst than he went in? or would he actually change for good?...my poor sweetheart, he was just too nice to not feel any sympathy for him.
he'd distribute money at Christmas to we the cousins, he'd buy me gifts(of course with the stolen lots), and take the boys out to buy them drinks...and some would take from him cos we knew he hid his loot in his shoe box, and we loved it when he walked about complaining that his money was stolen, i always laughed at the irony(they were stealing from the thief)...i cant help but wonder if we were part reason for his growing out of hand, we knew what he was doing, we let him receive the punishments even though he kept denying he wasn't the thief, and we encouraged him by taking when he offered... did he think the only way he could be loved and accepted was by giving?, but thats no excuse.
i've tried to think of moments where i harbored raging anger for him, i can't remember...not even when my gold set disappeared and i knew it was him(with no proof though), or when he took this fancy diary i had to his school, which was the brother school of my school and my crushes were revealed(the boy i was fronting for got to know i liked him) and other girlie stuff...you couldn't stay mad at him.

in the years since he was locked up, i kept imagining what it'd be like seeing him again..that was till now, now he's coming home, his grades are all A's, he's written jamb and soared high with his grades. he sounded cool and excited when we spoke, i couldn't think of what to say to him, i desperately wanted to ask how he coped, even though we talked about everything before, i cant baer to talk to him about that. i told him i was proud of him for his scores, he said he was proud of him too.
he's coming home, but what home? would it still be home to him? would he be welcomed? would the label be placed on him for the rest of his life?, would the isolation(if there is one) send him back to the place he was?
i love him, and i wish everyone could honestly say welcome home to him...because i know despite the front he isn't welcome in the family home, they're all worried he isnt changed and maybe they'd be the next victim of his act.
i wish every other person could have a little faith in him...as i do. or do i? am i letting sentiments come to play here?..

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

sleeping three nights straight without an alarm definately spells trouble on the fourth...i mean it was pure bliss till i had to sleep on monday night, thought the whole jolly good life would continue and busted the alarm deal...you got it right, late for work, and the rain?...very late for work. i proceeded to have a lousy day, some annoying dude decieded he could tell the sort of person i was cos i was wearing an anklet...forget that one...i fume just playing back the conversation
my weekend was loveeely, except for the friday night cramps. i loved wearing my shorts and jeans and tees three days straight...it was bliss... having to forgo those stuffy office wears.
i've never been more excited about independence day as i was, not even in secondary school where it was a chance to excape the walls of my boarding school to eagles square to (very embarrased here) match and salute our dear president...this is so much better...no work on monday.
sunday was beautiful, i had a date that i didnt back out from, it was worth it, i had a nice time, i laughed and i got to dress up...and i did so prettily, i felt all grown up and pretty in my black lil' number...even indulged in a little vanity by taking pictures and posting em' here(it felt sinful not doing so)...lol' i guess i'll get over the feelin soon and delete the little spoof of vanity. i'm not a dancer, more of a bedroom dancer(hush your dirty thoughts, we aint talking strip dancing here)but i danced the night away (or maybe the wine did it for me) and it felt good....and even better knowing i wasnt going to be pressured for a goodnight kiss at the end of the night or end up fighting off a groper and taking a cab home



hope y'all had a wonderful holiday!...oops...got over the showing off phase...couldnt get around posting any pics...maybe i overated my looks...my bad!

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Story of the bread...

the 'iya basira'song by stylplus would be best used to describe the whole drama at shoprite...jeez, its amazingly amusing the way people including yours faithfully queue up for the bread, i mean its all hot and fresh and just so soft, but that doesn't explain why people push and shove and scream and insult just to get the bread...(come to think about it, its not exactly wow when you eat it)
respectable men and women from noble backgrounds, bobos and babes with accents and impeccable upbringing are reduced to acting like animals in a jungle....anyway, my point?...they definitely put something in that bread, wonder which babalawo they use, i'm certain about this because i'm the sort who walks away from crowds, if it seems difficult to get, then i dont bother...i mean i can get bread anywhere can't i? but we don't think that way, we just stand there like fools and those sales people have a blast, finally a chance to have their moment of fame, the only opportunity in their lifes to control some of the snotty rich..'if you're not on the line i'm not selling' they shout.....i could even compare it to queuing up for an American visa back in the day.someone should probe them, sue them for what they do to us...what they put in the bread...hope it isnt wash down...lol

me? i somehow always find away around all the hassle...my sis and i would stand aside and amuse ourselves watching the whole drama, trying to figure out what to do, we could walk away but i always get a hunch that i wouldn't survive if i don't get my sandwich in the morning made with the shoprite special,we aim and look for targets, there's always a target, someone to smile at and make small talk and before you know it he asks how many loaves you want and there we go..no sweat.i'm working on getting a friend on the inside, someone behind the counter who would give us the to die for hot bread whenever we show...smart huh?

Saturday, August 18, 2007

okayyy. i eat my words, as vile and negative as the taste, how dare i dare to hiss and grumble and cuss the bourne ultimatum movie even before i had deen it...was mad when it was vetoed that we watch it, despite the fact that i didnt want to see it(so broke as i am, had to go with the flow, after all i wasnt paying for jack), was with T and a cousin of mine. But damn! i mean i've read all the three books in that series, but never really grabbed it(and i'm the master code breaking mystery solver...so you can imagine how confused i felt after reading and still being lost), the last two movies identity and supremacy lost me somewhere far off too....but this, i was tripped to the core, had all this flash backs to the book when i watched, and finally got to put some sense in it all, like i couldnt do with the rest.its explosive, action packed, and spice with a little wit, and stunning stunts... i loved it...
my weekends been going nice and smooth so far, was out with big sis T and OD and his friend last night(cant remember his name, but i can remember he is a lawyer),friday and stuff...we were at news cafe at the palms,had fun with the live band, although i kept tapping on my phone all night, doing the text exchange thing...which when others do i feel is so bloody annoying. i was a good spot for a while, by twelveish i was already restless and homeward bound, good thing we took the car or else we'd have had to drag Od to get him to drop us.
hopefully my weekend will only get better....

Sunday, August 12, 2007

wish list...


i wish for a fairy godmother to just strike her wand and make my wishes come true.........to cheer me up when i'm sad, low and down, feeling like the cinderella left out from the ball........
now...this wish list consist of things from the expensive to really expensive, mild expensive and just damn right cheap....some things money cant buy, just my state of mind....

awwwwwww......my own personal baby.....born of me...the one of me.....now thats one wish i cant wait to come true...never mind that its frustrating tending these little darlines(i learnt from helping out with my neices), i could just leave the blessed sweetheart with mom when i'm to stressed to be ...lol'...but ...wow...dont you just love the babes?



my dream spot...along with pompei and co...perfect destination for a honeymoon...uh...thats why hubby of mine whoever u be has to be adventurous...what better place than the taj mahal to celebrate love, with all the passion leading to its constructing...i need not ask for more.



a wedding, my wedding, probably to that prince charming, and hopefully not the dream guy i have to keep sleeping to find...a real life hunky, he dont have to be as drop dead gorgeous as me...lol, he should just be a guy of standards...sweet, loving, charming, loaded(hey...thats not saying i'm a gold digger)...i could carry the beauty for both of us(have more than enough to dish out...he he he he he...i'm craking up man...forgive me if i sound....but(you have to sing this part, d remix of its my party and i'll cry if i want to) its my blog and i'll write what i want to, write what i want to...you could just stop reading if your pissed...) now i'm going crazy...any girl that says she never wants to get married...lies, from experience, whenever i diss that line out, i'm hoping i find a hubby, and now it's certainly past the phase of marrying for the wedding....






if i dont get cutie down there, then i get my own personal prince charming, the one who is just right and perfect like the fairy tales describe(well i do realise i have to keep sleeping to find my dream man in my dreams, but then i'm allowed my fantasy)






"trying to be the best girlfriend you can be, then you sneak and look at me, girl i love it".....uh lala...hes so damn cute in a nerdish way...certainly my no. 1...





this military style with side bow code hat by house of deron...it drives me crazy, i'd feel like michael jackson did when he wrote the song "i'm bad" whenever i wear it...yeah baby....





polo, polo,polo, what i wouldnt give to play the game...they say i'm too girly for it, screw them...somehow it'll come to pass





versace cut out v ring...my fingers can't wait to feel the blink blink...it'd feel kind of like the midas thing, everything i touch with this on would turn to...ehm...go figure man...don't need to share my fantasy with you





this rolex 18038 yellow face day date?...brings out the cool in you...i could see myself handing it over to the one i love, my own prince charming...how mad impressive...he'd know its time to call the carriage....



l.a.m.d leather strap quartz.....uhmmmm....holla back girls...its time to be ...ehm...well, its cool though, watcha think?

iphone? iphone?...well thats my phone...mephone...love this gadget...love it love it love it



gucci royal sport lace up sneakers with interlockn gold detail...need i say more...sob...sob....who'll buy this wonderful sneakers for moi...its so pretty and just glittering with my name written all over it..


okay...with this gucci gold and velvet eva heeled laced up platform booties...i'm sure to go places...this shoes are meant for walking and i'm sure going to walk on air with it on my feet....i need to if it'll cost me as much as it does...(now why aint i the mugu sort...the one to commands guys to buy and they buy, why do i have such a soft heart and tend to feel sorry for them and suffer in silence.......? why?why?why?)

a libary of books larger than the excuse of one i have now, filled up with every book i've ever wanted and more(including eze goes to school collection..'lol..., fairytales...) ...and a collection of my stories which would have been published...sigh....


the king of my hearts comedy, the holder to the keys of my laughter bank...i need this book, like i need....em....pancakes(doesnt sound right) i've looked for pryor convictions for forever....i need to have it , i've gotta getcha getcha getcha....
someone...anybody, get me the complete season of cosby show, dr hux and family...i love them die.
rock and republic rocks to the bottom...this cosbie straight jeans would take me straight to the cores of getting my sexy back...
i love this mui mui leather coffer bag....can see my self purring as i walk with this bag in my hands





Sunday, August 5, 2007

Fools Like Me" lisa loeb
Everybody go The party's over I want to be alone in my head In my bed tonight You never show
You must really love her You think I don't know But I do, yeah it's true I think over is over
I'm right back where I started (when it comes to wanting you) I can't have what I wanted
[Chorus]But I did, I can I was, I am Only human, living, dying Just like any fool who ever breathed If love is blind If love's a drug It always is It always was and Love was surely made for fools like me
I know where I'm going I'm tripping I'm sliding around That's ok At least I'm excited It wasn't how I planned it (wasn't how I planned it Feet are where I landed At least I understand it now) My feet are where I landed (feet are staying on the ground) [Chorus]
Fools like me Fools like me
I did, I can I was, I am Only human, living, dying Just like any fool who ever breathed
Maybe it's the sanest thing Or just the sweetest kind of dream But love was surely made for fools (Love was surely made for fools) Love was surely made for fools (Love was surely made for fools) Love was surely made for fools like me
thats one of my favorite songs, i especially love the first lines, the one i highlighted, thats the crazy way i feel for always...well most times, all i want is just to be alone, with my head and its thoughts and dreams, with my heart and its fears and feelings, with my books, with myself...alone. thats my bliss.although i actually get lonely sometimes, i absolutely feel perfect harmony with the company of me,myself and i....

ronney my lunney


Posted by Picasaman u played against chelsea for the community shield, i kept bitting my fingers, worrying myself to the jeepers when we got to the penalty phase, but we came out on top with a 3-0 win...gosh, was i estatic or what? i mean, my eyes were so full with a flood ready to happen when chealsea beat us to take the championship title, this was such a sweet relief.
okay, i love football, but i'm not a fanatical, like to the point of stabbing and fighting over what club beats what, or getting into all those annoying senseless arguements. but i've always been loyal to manchester united, it started with my big uncle, a die hard, travel to watch most matches live fan. i said i loved man u, because i had a and still have this terrible crush on him, i used it to gain favors, then it turned to interest, then a passion....
.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

RUNS...To do or not to do?


the joy(not) of runs! now thats something thats alarmingly rampant, you can't help but wonder...like the absolute 'do' among chics around, the fashionable 'it'...a fad so unfabulous its almost sinful not to parttake in...lol.
even the sixteen year olds are such devoted followers of this trend....who wants to be left behind.
you're still stuck at what 'runs' is?, jeez, where have you been...i don't have a definite definition but in a lay mans language, sleeping with older guys(rich or not as long as they provide for you) aka aristos, which in other words is glorified prostitution...but thats a word soo crude for them, and so they decied to feel better about themselves by calling it runs.


whats the reason for all this talk...oh yes i remember, so i was in abuja yesterday(no, i'm not a runs girl, didnt go to see any senator or aristo) at ceedi plaza(a not so elegant version of the palms),and i saw my one time school buddy step out of a 2007 model toyota camry,dripping from head to toe in designer wears...a tug of jealousy so overwhelming hit me, i tried hard not to show my resentment that she has it overly good, but it didnt last for long as laila my other friend filled me in with details of her life, the nightly hunts at hilton for randy old men and white ones too, the senators and co.... i sighed in relief, there i was thinking i was such a failure in life......don't blame me, its scary seeing one so young, as young as you are with so much achievements to flaunt when you're still trying hard to make a difference.sort of like having all your mates get into uni while you're still home waiting for admission.


i made up my mind never to envy anyone ever again for their material things if i don't have a clear idea of where the source of the overflowing milk and honey is from. i won't envy you for carrying the latest vuiton while i still struggle with last two seasons design, i won't envy for driving a much sleeker, faster car than mine, i'll move out of the way so you can overtake in your 2007 camry, toureg,ml or whatever(damn but they do have it good),i wouldnt blink twice if the rock on your ear drips down to your feet, while i spot a tiny dot on my ear. i wouldnt envy you when you show up at those dinners with haute couture vintage designer wears or in the latest tiffany amber designs ,while i'm decked in a humble ready to wear high street gear..., i wont because i honestly wouldnt be able to do what you do to get what you flaunt in my face....some go as far as making pacts with the devil by visiting native doctors to lure men or keep them providing.its so funny because, we cant limit the whole runs fad to the poor, i know a lot of rich girls who indulge.




just last week,a wealthy and way older toaster, whos been on my case for years now, (don't know if its the thrill of the chase or what, he won't just leave me alone) called me and made me an offer that was so hard to resist,even pleaded to hold up my trip till he sees me, he'd give me money for return ticket, shopping and more...now its difficult being a goody two shoes.temptation was calling my name so loudly i almost answered "'i'm right here" but i think something slapped me hard in the head for even considering for one second, that maybe it won't hurt to indulge just once...my head kept screaming at me, telling me that i'd be a stereotype girl.i kept dreaming how nice it would be to upgrade my ticket to first class, to shop at harrods without blinking twice at prices like i was doing grocery shopping at tesco....but would i just throw my values away for new pairs of jimmy choos? would i sell my soul for a little bit more comfort? i'm being provided for with as much as i need to be content, anything else i look for by indulging in runs would only be greed or madness.


almost every girl i know is doing it, but the money goes as easily and quickly as it comes, the only thing you're left with is your conscience, your guilt, your memories and you'll just keep hating yourself when you realize what it is you have done. even if no one knows, you know, and thats the only thing that matters cos the self is the worst critic ever.

Saturday, July 28, 2007

PEOPLE ALWAYS LEAVE!.....




no man can be trusted... men! they're so alike. love this line from the movie grease "men are rats, worse than that, they are ameobas on fleas on rats, they're too low for even dogs to bite(no wonder they're dogs best friends), the only man a girl can depend on is her daddy"...oops my bad, cos you can't even depend on your good ol' dad too, because daddies like the rest of the male folks always leave too, trust me on this...just when i needed him the most he had to like die... i mean why would he die, just one reason why he had to leave, he had a perfect(well almost perfect)life, a beautiful and hardworking wife, four beautiful daughters, a handsome son and host of others who just loved him so he had no reason what so ever for leaving, except just being a typical male...

i've asked why a thousand times, why men always find a way to break your heart and why there is death? but i never get a good enough answer.i only had fifteen years of my life with dad, but it was enough to make me love him and trust him and care for him fiercely, not because he was my dad but because he was a good man who was there and who always made me laugh...(how many men can make a girl laugh), and like men do when you reach the highest peak of your feelings for them, its a cue for them to take a hike... and so daddy left.
death is such a havoc of nature, a reaper of life, with it comes pain and hurt and anger and confusion. its dug such a deep hole in my heart, that no matter how full of life i sometimes feel, that place always remains viod. one of the greatest gift or should i say compensation Gods given me for breaking my heart is my nieces, i see them as Gods apology to the family, me especially.and of course memories count too as a sort of compensation. it keeps the light shining, iremember the good times to keep me strong, i remember dad in everyday things i see and do, he comes alive in certain songs and food and jokes, in things he used to enjoy in life.

my memories have been a soothing salve for the sting death has dealt in my heart.6 yrs ago and its so amazing how it always seems like yesterday that he was standing next to me and giving me hugs, dishing out kisses, sneaking up behind me and pinching my ears, made me cry... i still cry every other day when i remember how we laughed together and played and argued(well he did most of the talking and i just sulked), i cry at the happy moments, i cry at the rough moments(cos i regret the times i wasted not talking to him for things so little, if he could come back and do them to me again, i'd just smile at him and hug him through the scolding session) i cry at the memory of how he used to make us all laugh... i cry because tears are the appropriate response to my grief. a friend read the words of Julie Burchill to me"tears are sometimes an inappropriate response to death, when life has been lived completely honestly, completely successsful or just completely, the correct response to deaths perfect puntuation mark is a smile..." i kind of understood that but i needed to cry all the same, i needed to cry in the midst of my smile. yes i'll keep smiling for his good life, but what about me?... i'll keep crying for me, for all i'll achieve without him cheering me on, he wasn't there at my graduation, what about my first real job, my wedding....but then maybe leonardo da vinci got it right when he said"our life is made by the death of others, death of a loved one is what breaks or strenghtens us." at the funeral, i watched as the casket was lowered, i watched as people hugged us, tapped us on the back, held us and told us "its alright", "i know how you feel", but how did they know it was going to be alright, or how we felt, they had no right to tell us to "stop crying" or "take heart" because they'll never be us and so they'll never know how and what we felt. the day of the burial is just a day of entertainment, a social gathering to them, while its a day of letting go for us. and the tomorows after the funeral is so frustrating(don't you just hate it)when everyone feels they've done enough comforting and your house becomes empty and you're surrounded by such a deep eering silence... thats when you scream and cry in agony your frustrations, your grief, your fears... and ask why? . i've come to realise that not everything has a clear meaning, life is basically about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it without knowing whats going to happen next....i still wonder despite this why he had to be all macho and leave...


what prompted my talk on death, men and leaving? i don't know....ah.. yes, i got back from church (this present house) and spent the day sleeping, woke up this evening to the sound of the rain outside and then my thoughts drifted to dad, the man who i was a mother to, who saw me as his star and baby, and at that moment i missed him fiercy and just wanted to hug him and hold him tight, just a moment with him was all i wished for at that point... and then it hit me that i was thinking hard to remember the smell of him... how pathetic can it be, i couldnt/can't even remember what the man i loved smelt like, i remember his smile(cos i see it in mine) but why can't i remember the smell that i knew so well... it scares me a lot, what if i'm loosing him again, loosing his memory? i'm going to ask my sisters and brother and i'm going to sit still and try to remember that scent.... i love him and i miss him and i love him even more, despite the fact that he's been a typical male to me...if he can leave me what other proof do i need to know that "people always leave" no matter how much you love and trust and cherish them.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

journey of achievements

i've got this book 'list to live by' by alice gray and a couple of others. its pretty good although i ignored it for too long, there was just always something more interesting to read. anyway i'm glad i finally did get to read it, and i'm glad to say i've gotten something from it...the seven principles of success by pat williams, they are....

its okay to fail

don't be afraid to start.

dare to dream big

don't be afraid to try something new.

take things one step at a time.

keep moving forward.

the only thing that can stop you is you.

i'm actually seeing myself moving forward after reading this, i wrote it in a little piece of paper and kept it tucked in my wallet...its just freaking motivational.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

ice for the ice princess


girls need gifts...i fancy diamond rings and fancy things, we need to be pampered, i need to be pampered...it doesnt matter that destiny's child 'independent woman' is my team song...that doesnt mean that i cant be bothered with being spoilt deep inside of me, a girl no matter how tough she may be, so tough she gets the name ice princess, theres always somewhere inside that needs and desperately wants to be shown an exquisite TLC, the only difference is that unlike the normal clingy chics, we don't show that we need it, we dont beg for it.....

i hate it when some guys use the filmsy excuse of 'you just seem to have everything, i couldnt figure what to get you'..or 'you look like you'd send anything i get you back with speed post'...get me conventional things even a teenager would think of...scented candles, get me perfumes,get me another wristwatch, or earrings(a girl can never have too much of jewelries), get me things that'll make me sigh, it doesnt matter if i have a dozzen of them as long as you didnt get me any of my dozen....just get me something.

flowers are good, although they're quite overrated in my opinon, i'm getting tired of playing the thrilled game at receiving them(don't get me wrong, i appreciate and love the effort) but i'm begining to feel a little cocky pretending to be overly thrilled about them, and the sniffing(like they do in movies,only i don't get a distinct scent from the roses, except those plastic ones that are so pumped with vanilla scents, you actually want to puke)and smiling so lovingly that my cheeks begin to hurt...

i'm not vain, but every girl deserves gifts, if you're in a relatonship where you don't get gifts, my 'rule book' says run...run as fast as you can...

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

GUILTY PLEASURES.....

matter how grown up we become, we always cling to some childhood attitudes we just cant live without(or don't want to live without) because hey!its fun, and damn the adult population who see it as gross...it might be too childish and gross to be coolly adults, but i don't care about keeping it all locked up...i've got a couple of guilty pleasures and more....laugh all you want, but i'm only human baby!...

dunking...don't you just love deeping your bread into a nicely made cup of tea, or oreos in coffee...uhm... the absolute pleasure it is, unfortunately, they say its not good table manners...i still love doing it in private though.

ceralac..uhm...omigosh! babies already have it good, they've got enough attention to themselves,they don't even have to clean their own arse...its only fair that i can take pleasure in their food( dont cluck your tongue at me, i know lots of others who are closet cerealac takers)
shh...spice girls! every boy every girl/spice up your life/ah..slam it to the left/if youre having a good time/shake it to right/if you know you feel fine/chikas to the front/....yes, i still watch their videos and dance to them to, i know every song by heart and those i don't i search the net for...sue me, but they helped spice up my life before...whoelse could make me scream "girl power" out loud.

my walt disney crew mousexecise album(i know this is extreme) but i just love hearing donald ducks voice sing the duckdance and the bugaboo team too...i've even got it on my ipod playlist.
fairytales...enid blyton and her books, from stories with ladders reaching up to clouds that have birthday lands and all, to famous five, i love the grimms fairy tales...i still read em all, and savour in the goodness of fairies and some gnomes, and happily everafters, they give me closure in this life of uncertainty, taking me back to childood days of life so uncomplicated and filled with dreams.

indian movies...excuse me, i limit myself to the oldies...burning train, daram ver, nagi and co...the singing(despite the headache i get after a tiring butt aching three hours of watching) and dancing around beautifully lawned gardens with beautiful girls and handsome guys in love is such a comic relief...if love was so uncomplicated, all you have to do is look for a beautiful garden or park to dance, sing, play tag and roll around under sprinklers to show you're in love...
bouncing castles(no comment here)
dancing and singing in front of my mirror, believe me i'm the next best thing to shakira when i do this.

playing the FLAME game, with my name and my crush's name to see if he'll be a friend, lover, admirer,married,or engaged...yeah its fun though.
Facebook, as much as you feel you're getting to old for this, i just cant help it, i close my page as soon as someone comes close enough...but hey, to hell with em FB is the place to be, it disolves boredom(even when i'm so busy) and its ...well its FB

city people! yes oh, naijas very own gossip magazine... all of u rolling eyes, don't lie, you're one of those who wear sunglasses, a trench coat and hat, dressed like an undercover cop, just so no one sees you buying city people....i admit i read it, i use my very precious hundred and fifty bucks to buy, just for the fun of it, the whole shallowness n stuff is hilarious...

i could go on, but i've embarrassed myself enough. c ya!

Monday, July 16, 2007

belated birthday

hey, happy belated birthday to me...6th july it was, the day i clocked the double two...now thats old, can't believe there was ever a time i wished to be all grown up...because right now, i wish i could turn back time to a place where i was oblivious to the evils of the world around, just a happy kid, playing with her doll and stuff. anyway, i'm the queen of fantasy, so i'm quite an expert in blocking out worries and tuning out from the world, just dwelling and cheering in that far away land i've created for myself where i am queen and i have the choice of whatever prince charming i want(now thats something thats not so easy to do even in lala land). i had a bbq thingy, my friends came from all over to makurdi and we just made the best out of everything.
i set a goal for myself years ago, to achieve certain things by the age of twenty...not my fault i couldn't meet up(then whos fault)...well i guess it's my fault, nonchalance down to the core and being just plain lazy, not wanting to take the plunge and all....but i've learnt not to be too hard on myself, cos as long as there is life, then theres definitely hope and as long as i have that hope, that dream to achieve will remain with me till it becomes a reality...now hows that?



i got so depressed last night, there i was lying in my room on my bed while my friends were having the time of their life at the thisday music festival...there was diddy, rihanna, john legend, neyo....aw...how could i have missed that, all because i was in makurdi.i attended the first show, v.i.p baby! and it was absolutely wonderful and exciting, just thinking of what they would be enjoying made my whole body tingle with jealousy....enough of the self torturing, i heard it was off the hook though!

cant wait to leave makurdi for lagos, don't get me wrong i grew up here, this is home to me, i love it that most streets i drive past has a childhood memory attached to it, i love the fact that it takes less than ten minutes to get to a destination,driving is fun unlike in lagos and the stagnant traffic, everthing is simple and less complicated here, even the gossip folks as is a characteristic of most small towns can be incredibly interesting and quite amusing, especially when you hear gist about yourself....but in recent times, the robery situation has been so daunting, me who used to be the macho man of the house, giving frowny faces to mom and aunties for getting scared easily, driving alone on lonely roads in the a.ms, confronting and calling to bluff those scary agboros in lagos traffic jams that knock on my car windows.....well that me has been drilled in a lesson of fear...first there was the gun piont snatching of my car and my new n95 phone(whats the point in getting expensive phones just so someone else can steal it)(try getting a gun pointed at you with a menacing face holding it, your life would never be the same again), twas in broad daylight, second time,less than two weeks after, was driving a friends car and i was followed home, luckily they couldnt get me. now, my heart beats just at the sight of a bike(their mode of operation), even the policemen added to the two other guards in the house are not enough to quench my fear, in my room i shiver at the sound of any clang outside...i've a new found phobia for driving(which i love so much), wouldn't go out if the driver isnt taking me, wouldn't even go out at all to visit if its not absolutely necessary......hope to be out of here by the weekend, to the land of over population and possibilities.

jeez, feel like a crappy old lady with all the writing, not like anybody is reading this, anyway, writing is therapeutic to me, loosens me up. ciao ciao!

Thursday, June 7, 2007

F me pumps


i love this song by amy winehouse titled f**k me pumps, but trying to retain a little prudish dignity because it was expected of me,i'd bite my tongue a thousand times before blurting the title out and quickly explaining that its not what it sounds like. luckily for me my friend van saved me all the drama when he gave me a well digested lessons of the 40s explaining to me 'fuck me pumps' means a 'high heeled, ankle strapped woman's shoes circa 1940s causing one to walk in a pronounced, seductive, strutting motion, made popular by actress Joan Crawford', well that was a relief, i can imagine how much those in the know loved to see me squirm when i tried to talk about one of my favorite songs. the song goes like this

When you walk in the bar, And you dressed like a star, Rockin' your F me pumps.
And the men notice you, With your Gucci bag crew, Can't tell who he's lookin' to.
Cuz you all look the same, Everyone knows your name, And that's your whole claim to fame.
Never miss a night, Cuz your dream in life, Is to be a footballers wife. You don't like players, That's what you say-a, But you really wouldn't mind a millionaire.
You don't like ballers, They don't do nothing for ya, But you'd love a rich man six foot two or taller.
You're more than a fan, Lookin' for a man, But you end up with one-nights-stands.
He could be your whole life, If you got past one night, But that part never goes right.
In the morning you're vexed, He's onto the next, And you didn't even get no taste.
Don't be too upset, If they call you a skank, Cuz like the news everyday you get pressed.
You don't like players, That's what you say-a, But you really wouldn't mind a millionaire.
Or them big ballers, Don't do nothing for ya. But you'd love a rich man six foot two or taller,
You can't sit down right, Cuz you jeans are too tight, And your lucky its ladies night.
With your big empty purse, Every week it gets worse, At least your breasts cost more than hers.
So you did Miami, Cuz you got there for free, But somehow you missed the plane.
You did too much E, Met somebody, And spent the night getting caned.
Without girls like you, There'd be no fun, We'd go to the club and not see anyone.
Without girls like you, There's no nightlife, All those men just go home to their wives.
Don't be mad at me, Cuz you're pushing thirty, And your old tricks no longer work.
You should have known from the job, That you always get dumped, So dust off your fuck me pumps

doesnt it just remind you of at least one person in your circle, i could tick of at least a dozen of names in relation to this song. sadly thats what our society has turned us into, especially where so much is expected of you if you want to be in the in crowd...young girls sleeping with old men or sometimes rich young married ones just to get a pass to the 'in' party and well say to your friends "i slept with p", what an achievement for them, or to buy herself a fendi b, cos suddenly the whole fashion scence sees it as a crime not to spot one.i see them on nights i bother myself with hanging out, they're there in lacasa, you can spot them in baccus, newscafe....name the hot spots in town. its pathetic really.

forget the message amy sends in the song though, i think shes got exceptional talent, cant get enough of her, i listen to the whole frank album over and over again. you should too. ciaociao!

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

serial blogger.


i just got this book titled "101 things to do before you're old and boring" and so here i am, creating my own blog cos the freaking book ask me to. i'm just 21, and i'm pretty much proud to say i've ticked some of the to do's off... i have to admit that some of the stuff are pretty lame, goffy and maybe senseless, but i'm doing what i can cos its fun and sort of twisted... i see other meanings to some of the task and they make me think about my life.
so here i am thinking to myself what this blog should be all about...should i be completely honest about my life or should i live a new perfect life here?....the imaginary life is the best you can get... though its sad to know somewhere deep down in your thoughts that you'll always have to wake up to face the reality of life(trust me on this, i should know cos i'm the queen of fantasy land, try as i may as queen, i havent been able to change this fact).



i'm a serial blogger.... i think thats what goes for people like me who happen to be a little bit confused...on a journey of self discovery...aw...pardon me if i sound drab. the whole deal is, i love to blog, i'm probably registered in a dozen sites i've forgotten all about. i can justify myselfy though, blogging is like having a new best friend, i can rant and rave about anything and everything even nothing, to a whole bunch of faceless people, i don't have to look them in the face when i tell my dreams, which can be sometimes a bit on the off side. i could also tallk about messing up without looking them in the eye and seeing the obvious disappointment. now i'm blabbling ain't i?



anyway this is my first blog on this site, i once hated the name inyamu when i was little and wondered why everyone seemed to love calling me that instead of the very english name which i loved then but recoil at now... i think i'm evolving with the world since everyones going ethnic cum afrocentric i just had to go with the flow and love the name inyamu...... so here you go 'inyamus eldorado'

the good thing is i get to use inyamu and still get to be as anonymous as i want to be:) yipeee
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