who am i?

"I write for the unlearned about things in which I am unlearned myself." - CS Lewis, Reflections on the Psalms

Saturday, July 1, 2017

Not Just Yet!....

The other day I lay down thinking how death wasn’t a bad idea at all.
I wanted to die….
Now ask me why, and I can’t point at anything in particular that was wrong.
I have been through dark seasons in my life, and this isn’t particularly a dark one… its full of light and hope and joy, and something so little, so insignificant that I truly cannot say what, made me feel like maybe it’s a better deal… Heaven! Away from this overwhelming sense of responsibility in life.
Heaven is rest… heaven just eating some good good food and chilling amongst many other wonderful things... like beautiful worship. (the food gets me always)
No i wasn't thinking suicide... it was more like a caught up kind... the Enoch kind, just hanging with God and there she goes.

It was such a feeling of being down, I wouldn’t say I was depressed or was I? But I was down and I literally forced myself to worship in that hour… it was about midnight, and during the Nathaniel Bassey #praisechallenge. My force to worship wasn’t because I was questioning God in that moment, more like questioning myself I guess. The things I am doing and have to do felt overwhelming and i had no idea where the next step was to land(because i wasn't staying still enough to let God lead me), I can't even say what I was questioning… it was just a big pile of empty nothingness around my thoughts, myself, and my room. I had lost steam… no steam!
The Internet connection was horrible, so I couldn’t join the instagram praise party… so I did what I do best on my own… I worshiped!
I worshiped myself to sleep and I woke up a few hours later forgetting about what I was dealing with a night before. Not mentioning it to anybody. Not seeing it as a big enough deal to mention to someone in a counsel kind of way.

But why am I writing this here, because some people think its all perfect for Christians/certain Christians especially those in some sort of ministry.
I understood Elisha in that moment, after building momentum and doing this gorgeously power filled things for God; he called for fire from heaven and what a fire came down, he rounded up all the prophets of baal and killed them all. Such a tough guy, but he got threatened by a little woman and fled, went into hiding, went into depression, questioned God…. Sometimes even in the thick of your faith, you will be more human than superhuman… and its okay. It’s okay to cry… it’s okay to not pretend. It’s okay to allow yourself to get to the place where even you know that you need help…. Because it is in this place that you get refreshed in your spirit… that you get renewed in your heart… that you get to experience Gods love like never before. Sometimes it’d be silent and you would feel like God isn’t hearing you, but even in that feeling, that’s the best moment. Because He’s holding you tighter than ever… didn’t he say His strength is made manifest in our weakness?(2 Corinthians 12:9)

Sometimes, the times we cry out for help are not the times we need help the most. It’s the silent seasons that are quite more dangerous…
Just a few weeks prior that night, I heard some news that was disturbing to me. I stood firmly on the water of faith, but my heart was weary about walking long in the storm. I knew I could survive it, I would walk through it, but I didn’t want to be strong in that moment, I didn’t want to encourage myself by reminding myself of the things I knew to be true. I was vexed about the news, and so I ran to my friend. I got into his home and just dropped on my knees Nollywood/Bollywood style… I was deliberately being dramatic on the rug, and I was deliberately crying… I looked for the tears and I loved that they came out. It was a relieve leaning on someone else… and to hear the encouragement I knew in my heart sound off from someone else.
I think the silent moments like I went through a few nights ago are more dangerous, because you cant pinpoint to anything… and you think of how uncomfortable this home is getting, wanting heaven. Wanting the easy way out of nothing and everything.

But how selfish it is to think that. If God has given you dreams and a mandate to fulfill, He has equipped you to do it. He wouldn’t lay anything heavy or ill fitting on you. (Matthew 11:28 msg) If you’re wearing a challenge in a season, know that it isn’t ill fitting on you… you have what it takes to rock it perfectly.
There’s a reason Jesus asked God not to take us from the world, but to keep us from the evil one. (John 17:15)
I mean, why can’t he just take us when we get born again? Because there’s so much to do on earth and he needs us!
That’s a nice thought… God needs me, and He needs you. God in all His glory needs me to be all He has called me to be, and so when I get discouraged, I will get up and keep at what I have to do, its okay for me to act as a spoilt brat every once in a while and cry or wonder… but I have to snap out of it, find a way to be disciplined with words of encouragement from those close to me… or just fall into worship and get myself back together.

(I’ve realized that sometimes Christians don’t know what to do with a 'depressed' or 'going through stuff' believer. They instantly judge or say you’re not spiritual enough. Leaving the person needing help to feel condemned. That’s why many refuse to show their discouragement till they implode. You are not a weak Christian because you cry about something or you feel discouraged sometimes. When you go through that… make sure its just a going through, don’t spread out a mat and sleep in your discouragement… when you fall, you get up and keep going.)

If it feels tough for you… don’t be despaired, Gods got you. Nothing more than you can bear. You can’t crack under that weight because it’s the perfect size, the perfect fight, and the perfect obstacle for you in all your graced status to overcome and handle.
Don’t underestimate the power of praise in those moments, the power of worship… the power of remembrance/meditating on Gods word/ prayer.
You’ll be fine. Heaven is a beautiful place, but earth is beautiful as well, and what helps in making it beautiful is you refusing to cave to trials and focusing on what you’re called to do… be it fashion, arts, medicine, law, music, civil service, production, teaching… anything. Your walking in purpose is you standing as a puzzle piece that has been fixed in place on the board, one by one we fit into the picture in our calling till the end picture is produced… a beautiful heaven on earth even with all the trouble it faces. You make the picture beautiful.

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” Matthew 11:28-30(MSG)

1 comment :

  1. This message is very timely.
    Depression is real... even for christains.

    ReplyDelete

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