who am i?

"I write for the unlearned about things in which I am unlearned myself." - CS Lewis, Reflections on the Psalms

Sunday, August 10, 2008

FQ is all about psalm 118:17

I will not die but live, and I will proclaim what the lord has done. Psalm 118:17.

That’s my portion. almost lost it a couple of times in the past week. I felt myself going, my sisters saw me going and as they prayed and screamed at me to hang on, somehow got the strength to hang on. You know that feeling like you think ‘what the hell am I doing, I can stop this’ but somehow you cant stop it cos you’re not in control of your body. Your thoughts are all jumbled. And all I could do is scream for my mummy(that’s the power of parents) all the while i kept thinking 'i cannot die now, i have a life to live, i have things to do, theres a sweet man somewhere for me waiting and he cant loose me(lol, i had to think of that to) i've got babies to have, i've got a whole load of goodness ahead of me)

Frantic prayers, doctor and nurses running round, then a shot of this and that to calm me down and then I’m strong enough to worry about mom who’s in London crying and trying frantically to get a flight out the next day to be with her baby .but so afraid to sleep cos the devil put fear into me that the thought of closing my eyes felt like giving in to death.

the attack comes as a tightness in my chest and i'm practically breathless, almost like an asthma attack, but clearly not an asthma attack. my head is light and the more i gasp for breath the more i dont get any in and i'm light headed and feeling lost and ....i really cant describe how it happens...
There I was three nights in the hospital, the docs not figuring out whats wrong as my chest and lungs are clear, so what causes the spasms and breathlessness ,and the only question the various doctors keep asking trying to relate it to is maybe an emotional trauma? panic attacks? and almost bringing in a shrink…that’s like crap, I’ve been through worse and I might cry but I never get traumatized to a point of almost loosing my life. do you have a boyfriend? do you want a boyfriend?(yeah, like that'd make me breathless) I’m this close to humoring them and telling them that there’s some guy somewhere who takes my breath away, I think of him and I’m breathless till I get to the roadblock to the grave and I’m sternly commanded to go back to life. Lol. Not funny(but they desperately want to hear something) one asked me if I was broke, needed something desperately? (seriously? i just hit the biggest deal of my life so far, so money aint near it).
Moments like this made me wish I could be in a scene in greys anatomy, have Christiana yang examine me, then get pissed off cos its just some minor issues that don’t require a heart surgery….but of course they figure out what it is and i'm well again. where’s fairytale coming to life when you need it?

But all things happen for a reason, I’m closer to God now and I keep speaking his word to myself, for he has said I shall not die but live and I will proclaim what he has done. For he has said in psalm 121 ‘he watches over me and will neither slumber or sleep’. In isaiah 43 he has said I should fear not for he has redeemed me, I am his, he knows my name, I am precious and honored in his sight, and he loves me".Its amazing the power of Gods word, for as you speak it you repel the enemies, maybe its medical, maybe its more than what meets the eyes, whatever it be he asked me to fear not. And I will fear not, I will live to proclaim his goodness.(man maybe I should turn pastor)

I did an ecg and all the medical thingy tests on friday. I have an appointment with the cardiologist monday morning, and some other specialists too.i'm tired of the humor i try to keep up with friends who come around or call to see how i'm doing.
and i'm so awed at the friends i never knew i had, people i called acquaintances are always around me, checking up and being sweet. flowers, chocolates, cards....

geez, the all mighty wannabe posh me has been seen at her worst, hair all scattered, face as bare as ...bare, no earrings, no bra...ewwww and to think all the wannabe boyfriends saw me that way, some where unfortunate enough to be there when i had attacks. at least they haven't stopped calling(i probably didnt look so bad.lol) now i've got a weave(conrow) on my head, five weaves to be precise and it makes me feel like a little school girl without the makeups, just a chapstick.LMAO. i love the look.

moms here with me, she arrived tonight and I feel good, I’ll sleep close to her tonight, and get that tlc, I’ll feel her wake up at night to check my temperature for fever(not like i have any), I’ll feel her arrange the duvet around me and prop my head up(I have to sleep propped up to aid my breathing), and i'll hear her whispering in prayer for me in the dark. I’m sure it is well with me.
pray for me and wish me luck y'all

19 comments :

  1. you shall NOT die my dear, but live.

    hope you're feeling better now?

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  2. you are already a living testimony dear.

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  3. The good Lord will keep you sweetie...

    You'll be here till a ripe old age in Jesus name.

    Will 100 years be ripe old enough for you?

    **kisses**

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  4. It is well with you in Jesus name. The words you proclaim in your life are the words of God upon you so never stop the positive profesies. Believe me, i know what im talking about.

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  5. Awwwww..so glad ur mum got a flight back dear..
    How are you feeling now? When you said you were just leaving the hospital I didn’t know it was that bad… May God continue to protect you love and yes, you shall not die but live to proclaim all that is good and sweet in this world…missed ya…

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  6. yesso dearie,IT IS WELL WITH YOU
    u shall live n testify all the goodthing GOD has been doing n ll continue to do for u AMEN.

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  7. it is well with you FQ, the Lord is your healer.

    You will live n not die.

    I thank God 4 your complete healing.

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  8. God is surely with you. But I can’t but worry about you. Please give everything to God even though, you are not worrying but you know that on its own takes a toll on the body.

    Today is the yesterday we were afraid of, and we always see it is not as bad as we imagined it to be.

    Be well my dear and you are definitely in my prayers

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  9. FQ, Just keep declaring the glory of God as you have said. It is for you to live and declare God's glory.

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  10. I am also glad God has been sending you His words so according to Psalm 107:20, healing is settled in Jesus name

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  11. The power of life and death lie in the tongue and we speak life to you, the entire entity of you. You shall indeed live and not die. You are in my prayers. All is well, and I am thankful that you now have your mother there with you. It is well.

    Many many kisses and prayers

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  12. It is well with you FQ, and u shall not die but live to declare his glory as you are doing now in Jesus' name!

    pele love, so have the docs found the cause?

    lol @ Xtina Yang being mad cuz it's not a heart surgery inducing sickness, she is so sick!

    take care, will be praying along with you.

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  13. You will be fine dear FQ.
    I've got you in my prayers.
    God keep & bless you too much.
    You will be a testimony.

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  14. ..i was hoping this was a fictional piece...you will be fine...your time has not come yet...glad mumsie is there with you...recover quickly o...

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  15. oh poor baby

    i feel for you sweetheart

    i hope you are better by now

    i had one panic attack when i was in my first year of college

    i was surrounded by all these strange looking white people lol

    i got tight in my chest and i just couldnt stop breathing heavily

    those people gave me the creeps

    ill be praying for you baby gurl

    you aint going nowhere

    i need you gurl

    i need you bad

    i need you to be around so you can invest my money and make me a fortune from the nigerian stock market lol

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  16. FQ it is well with you...You've received your victory already...and healing is sitting in your lap...We thank God for fulfilling His promises of giving you life and life more abundantly...in Jesus name...Amen!

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  17. oh wow...thank God u r better..just keep holdin on to His promises..

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  18. What does the bee do?

    Bring home honey.

    And what does Father do?

    Bring home money.

    And what does Mother do?

    Lay out the money.

    And what does baby do?

    Eat up the honey.

    --------- by Age Of Conan gold

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