who am i?

"I write for the unlearned about things in which I am unlearned myself." - CS Lewis, Reflections on the Psalms

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Domestic Staff... Some households do 'ave em.

When it comes to domestic staff, it takes a whole lot of will power and self control to stop yourself from hitting your head on the wall continuously. They know how to frustrate patience out of you.

It was about ten thirty in the evening, and mum made me drive out with her to drop off a house help that's been with us for a couple of years.
She came with barely nothing, not even an understanding of English...
I remember coming home for a few days and meeting her for the first time, i drove her out that weekend and she was scared, she wondered how we were going to get back home... i was amused.
I guess i should have involved myself and told mum to calm down and give the girl a chance. I always thought mum complained a lot over nothing, and exaggerated her woes... that's till i came home and i understood.

I tried to talk to her on the side, put your head down, you're going to a good school, wearing nice clothes, eating whatever you want as opposed to being in the village. It's a good life, don't mess it up. But maybe i spoke too soft, maybe my sisters joked too much... or maybe we over did the clothes? Cos all of a sudden, the skirts were shorter, there were boys, phones and attitude. Oh well, she's gone, i miss her, but i guess there is a wisdom in all this.
And they advise the men to marry a woman from the village? Good luck good Sir.

I was on my way to the bank with the driver. We stopped for about one minute at a T junction, a traffic warden was directing the traffic. There were two cars in front of us, my head was bent, reading a book when i heard cars honking and the warden staring menacingly at our car, the cars in front had moved and the driver was sleeping... not dozing, sleeping. I was too shocked to say anything, then i screamed his name and he woke up, confused for a few seconds before moving. He proceeded to explain himself, apparently he wasn't sleeping, he saw his friend at the other side of the road and he was waving at him, thus he didn't know when the cars in front moved. I couldn't believe the lie, and the fact that he was smiling at how good his excuse was made me mad... i was too mad to be mad at him. It was a hot and tiring day, i couldn't afford to dwell on that or call him out on his lie.

This driver, is a far cry from the previous who stayed with us from my primary school days to my final year in uni. He isn't as smart as the last and sometimes i think it's only favor that has kept him on this long, i wonder how mum copes with him.
I remember sashaying out of Hilton in Abuja, all i wanted was a quick trip to the salon and back. He brought the car to the entrance to pick me up, and just as i had my precious 'joy girl' moment, you know like in the joy soap ad where everybody stirred, i got into the car and i noticed him trying to reverse, i couldn't figure why he had to as the front was clear and he could just drive off, but i guessed he was smart enough to know another car had pulled up behind him... my bad, he wasn't. He ended up bashing the car. It was embarrassing as i had to get down from the car to access the damage, luckily the concierge of the hotel knew i was a guest and sorted it out for me, the Oga wasn't in the car, thus i ended up giving the near frantic driver the money for repairs.... instead of the driver apologizing he kept mumbling, i should have left him to sort the issue out.

We came home early the other day, mum and i, and i noticed one of the house helps run from the security post when she saw mum was with me in the car. Mum was mad... she asked the security man what he was doing with her? "have you now married and kept a wife in my house?" I wish he just said sorry and ended it there... but he denied having anything to do with her, apologised and said he was lonely and asked her to come and keep him company. That killed me. I let mom do all the raging for both of us.

There was another house help who gave me one of the dirtiest slaps of my life... he saw a mosquito sucking on my fresh mosquito haven skin and couldn't bear to let my precious blood violated. That slap gave me sparkles... the good thing is he killed the mosquito. I know of people who harm themselves all in the name of killing mosquitoes only to end up with an empty palm.

And one of my classic domestic staff moments; I was about fourteen i think. I slept with my sister on this night, and in the middle of the night she woke up to a sight that still makes me cringe when i think about it. The house boy(best imagined as Ugwu in half of a yellow sun) sneaked into her room and was all cuddled up with me in bed. I don't know how he made it to the room, i don't know what he was thinking... all i know is that he climbed into the bed and held me and we both slept, a deep peaceful lovers sleep :|
It hurts me to think that i didn't notice anything weird or wake up to notice the atrocity before she did...Yuck!

There are others... with Ripley's believe it or not sort of stories. I just can't!!!!

It takes a whole lot of patience and grace to deal with domestic staff.

22 comments :

  1. Hilarious! Lol. i can't say that I've had the pleasure of such amusement on behalf of domesticated staff. But this does remind me of more than a few of relatives, here and there.

    I wondered why you missed her. Then again, there is nothing like laughter and entertainment.

    Not sure how I'd feel about someone slapping me in order to kill a mosquito. Hmm. I don't think I'd be as calm afterward. But, as you stated, there's a certain wisdom involved in all.

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    1. ha, relatives, i have an archive of their stories.

      With mosquitoes, all sense of reasoning is lost when those annoying little suckers come out to play. I was little, i'm sure he would have had a harsher reaction if i was older, my pride would have reacted more to the slap :)

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    2. I just received notifications in my emails.

      The comment section on this post is pure comedy. Good stuff, all the way around. Ahhh @ my pride would've reacted more to the slap. Hilarious.

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  2. This is quite funny, yet serious. Some of these domestic help can be quite frustrating and one just needs mega patience when dealing with them. Inyamu, your piece as usual was beautifully written. @ Don, is that your real pic, cos you look yummy.

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    1. LOlllll!!!!! is that the best pick up line you can come up with? SmH

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  3. Wow!!! Triple dose of atrocity and hilarity....Geezz!!!
    LMAO @ Miss Pepeye

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    Replies
    1. Miss Pepeye needs to get schooled on pick up lines. lol

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  4. the last one with the houseboy....eeeew. if i saw someone cuddling with my daughters, i would become homicidal.

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    1. especially in these days we have to be extra careful when picking helps... can't imagine what would have happened if i slept alone in my room on that night.

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  5. Hahahahaha can't stop laffing @ dirty slap, I can imagine.

    *side eye* @miss pepeye lol


    LG

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  6. I thought this was satirical. It appears I was wrong. Such priviledge..

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  7. Still laffing out loud.....though the last one about the Ugwu like houseboy did make my heckles go up a notch or two....Ahhhh...the tales of housegirls, houseboys, nannies, drivers.....I could write a book! But I shall not. I shall just thank God I survived them and thank God again for the few that were actually God sent. Err, that will be about 3 to date out of over the 30 (no kidding, that I have had to allow pass through my home over the years. I don't know how you can in Nigeria, but if you can, don't do it! Keep your home sane...and you too for that matter. Lol!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You know, i've heard horrible stories from the diabolic to molestations... like you said, it's to be thankful we survived them all, and to keep praying the next one wouldn't be the one to give you the final shove to a mental breakdown.

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  8. Kai, that last paragraph is the height. What rubbish? I hope he was sent away immediately.

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    1. I can't even remember... All i'm thankful about is that it was just a cuddle and nothing more.

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  9. The Holy Spirit in you is a big influence so stick it out with them in Love, patience, loving discipline and the word of God till they change, and as long as you still deem it worthy to have them around you...

    Otherwise send them away in love if too much negative influence...

    which means you gotta be praying for them regularly to know if they should stay or go.(abnd ahead to know if they should be hired in the 1st place)

    Stir up the fruits of the Spirit in you to rise above their frustrations, I believe that's what God expects from his saved kids as they interact with the world. We all gotta keep aiming for that stability.

    Lots of love.

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  10. Lmao@Peaceful lover's sleep. Kai, i will so back-hand that boy en. This post is pure hilarity. Domestic helps and their wahala. smh

    Security and house-girl thinz? They wana turn your house into a breeding house? ok now.

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  11. I had my fair share while growing up....

    * the one that kept stealing RICE

    * the one that kept stealing my PANTIES....as in! Thank God I had little or no breasts then, she coulda added bras to the mix

    * And the MOST CLASSIC case - the one I caught BREASTFEEDING my brother when he was still a baby! She put her breast in my boo's mouth and he was sucking. Ewwww. I'm still traumatised!

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  12. Hilarious! Especially d 'mosquito slap'.good piece! Ur work inspires me.

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