i've been ill for a while, a crazy lil' sucker fever.
...sod cash. money is so overrated.(no explanations here)
I grew up way before i was old enough to understand that going through the growing up phase was actually cool. I got irritated by my mates easily, my best friends were my sisters all ten to eight years older than me and my boyfriend was my brother four years older, I’m sure i was his growing pain as i would follow him everywhere and just...
Granddad used to look at me and in that wise elderly way and mutter fondly ‘FQ the clever’ especially after i had figured something some other person was still at a loss of what to do about.
But i guess i got too clever for my own good. I got so engrossed in the Greek mythology, I would be Athena today, the wise woman of the land and the next day Venus the deity of love, beauty,or the graces, but one thing i was more than the rest of my fantasies in practice was Proteus, the sea-god. you see he was the one who had the ability to change his shape to whatever the situation required, he had a positive connotation of flexibility, versatility and adaptability. This was his defense against the world and that was me, i could be a snake amongst snakes, a wise amongst the wise and god help me a monkey amongst monkeys.
I got so good at playing the role of complexity that i began to feel like Alice did in wonderland. the part when the caterpillar asked her ‘who are you?’ and she responded ‘i don’t know sir, just at the present, at least i know who i was when i got up this morning but i think i must have changed several times since then'.
I lost my sense of self trying to be different people at the same time. Being an adult when i really was a kid and trying to be like a kid when i really felt like an adult. Things kept changing at a rapid pace that slowed me down. Being clever and street wise wasn’t everything.
I would spend hours in my room trying to figure me out, frustrated at the inability to grasp what i really was about, at the fact that i couldn’t be normal and share in the giggles over guys with my friends without looking at them as stupid.
I’m still in the process of self discovery and each day that approaches i get closer to understanding me, to appreciating the now i have, to live like i am and not in the shadows or steps of my sisters, they’ve had their life’s its time i have mine.
I’m on the trail of being a Proteus without loosing my sense of right and wrong, of prudent decency. I’m not going to be Alice anymore…I’m going to have a better answer for the caterpillar when he sucks on his pipe, blows out and ask in that sleepy voice ‘who are you?’...'i am a phenomena woman, suave and sexy, a giant with a base on the shoulders of a mother who’s brought me up with good and for good, filled with success... i am FQ, a woman of substance, deep and intelligent. I am a woman amongst women, a man amongst men, a scholar amongst scholars...a daughter, an aunt, a sister, a friend, a girlfriend(well working on that)who would soon be a wife and mother, and most of all i am who i am, nothing more and nothing less than i really am......’