who am i?

"I write for the unlearned about things in which I am unlearned myself." - CS Lewis, Reflections on the Psalms

Friday, March 14, 2008

i am me...

i've been ill for a while, a crazy lil' sucker fever.

...sod cash. money is so overrated.(no explanations here)

I grew up way before i was old enough to understand that going through the growing up phase was actually cool. I got irritated by my mates easily, my best friends were my sisters all ten to eight years older than me and my boyfriend was my brother four years older, I’m sure i was his growing pain as i would follow him everywhere and just...

Granddad used to look at me and in that wise elderly way and mutter fondly ‘FQ the clever’ especially after i had figured something some other person was still at a loss of what to do about.
But i guess i got too clever for my own good. I got so engrossed in the Greek mythology, I would be Athena today, the wise woman of the land and the next day Venus the deity of love, beauty,or the graces, but one thing i was more than the rest of my fantasies in practice was Proteus, the sea-god. you see he was the one who had the ability to change his shape to whatever the situation required, he had a positive connotation of flexibility, versatility and adaptability. This was his defense against the world and that was me, i could be a snake amongst snakes, a wise amongst the wise and god help me a monkey amongst monkeys.

I got so good at playing the role of complexity that i began to feel like Alice did in wonderland. the part when the caterpillar asked her ‘who are you?’ and she responded ‘i don’t know sir, just at the present, at least i know who i was when i got up this morning but i think i must have changed several times since then'.

I lost my sense of self trying to be different people at the same time. Being an adult when i really was a kid and trying to be like a kid when i really felt like an adult. Things kept changing at a rapid pace that slowed me down. Being clever and street wise wasn’t everything.

I would spend hours in my room trying to figure me out, frustrated at the inability to grasp what i really was about, at the fact that i couldn’t be normal and share in the giggles over guys with my friends without looking at them as stupid.
I’m still in the process of self discovery and each day that approaches i get closer to understanding me, to appreciating the now i have, to live like i am and not in the shadows or steps of my sisters, they’ve had their life’s its time i have mine.

I’m on the trail of being a Proteus without loosing my sense of right and wrong, of prudent decency. I’m not going to be Alice anymore…I’m going to have a better answer for the caterpillar when he sucks on his pipe, blows out and ask in that sleepy voice ‘who are you?’...'i am a phenomena woman, suave and sexy, a giant with a base on the shoulders of a mother who’s brought me up with good and for good, filled with success... i am FQ, a woman of substance, deep and intelligent. I am a woman amongst women, a man amongst men, a scholar amongst scholars...a daughter, an aunt, a sister, a friend, a girlfriend(well working on that)who would soon be a wife and mother, and most of all i am who i am, nothing more and nothing less than i really am......’

35 comments :

  1. Phenomenal woman! Good for you gurl. That's the spirit. Truth be told however, every woman is on one quest of self discovery or the other at a particular point in time.

    Have fun anyway.

    Am i like first today?

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  2. yeah, I'm first! I'm first! For the first time in my blog life I'm first! I just knew today was my day! I'm not only first but also second!

    We're all those firsters today? where they at? HAHA, I BEAT EM ALL TO IT!

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  3. pshew! ejura needs to go and sit down somewhere jo!, I'm second!!
    I love this write up, I almost feel the same- like I grew up too fast cos I was rlling with older folks.

    I really dont understand all these stocks and shares thingy. u need to explain to me later.
    *hugs*

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  4. Ejura u are just every where...Hope u feel better soon dear...

    I also got lost in fantasy roles...I used to be aphrodisiac (abeg correct the spelling, not a good day) a lot..just loved the tot of making people fall in and out of love without their consent....

    lmao...now I learnt I am me...naughty,sexy cool...

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  5. ejura...yayyy, lets pop the champaign..
    and after the celebratory speech, i'm back to asking 'when did you get infected with the 'first bug fever'..not nice i tell ya.the disappiontment at being 40th on a blog page(hint hint afrobabe's)after a couple of firsts...not nice.

    bumight...thats why we truly cousins.

    u dont understand shares like i dont understand capsules.lol

    afrobabe...lmao Aphrodite? i
    trust you and you alone to think you're the sex god, the one and only aphrodisiac....lol, if that was real, gosh, sorry for all the devil may care foine fine boyz around.

    now you've learnt you're naughty, sexy, and cool. nice one there.

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  6. profound blog
    glad to hear u are better
    take care

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  7. hey beautiful sup! men i feel your dilemma but really impressed with your personality.

    heard the first discovery of life is the discovery for self.complicated but essential.

    nice work FQ. by the time this is over you would be coming out stronger.

    i like the pet name 'FQ the clever' i might stick with that...lol

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  8. Nothing do you. Being the best you that you can be is a good goal to aspire to. It's the only way, anyhows. It prevents frustration at trying to keep up with unreakistic expectations of you.

    Loved, loved it.

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  9. Em, I meant to say unrealistic up there.

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  10. I loved this. well written a lil intense i felt like alice readin it lost-in a good way o. someone once said at 16 we wish we were 30 at 30 we want to be 16. i think bac nd wish i acted my age more instead of tryin to act mature. unlike u my maturity was not in built it was fake.

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  11. love love love this post! *coughs at a man amongst men*, sweetie ummmm..........k never mind.
    i'm glad ur feeling better babes....hugs

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  12. This babe wasnt feeling good? Glad you feel better. This post is deep girl

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  13. Self acceptance and awareness is so important! You are who you are and indeed you are phenomenal!

    See you around, my sista!


    NIGERIAN CURIOSITY
    IT WAS SO MUCH EASIER WHEN I ONLY HAD ONE...

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  14. Labels: debt, me, sick

    too much shopping?!? lol

    I can relate to you when you say Things kept changing at a rapid pace

    get well and stay well FQ

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  15. Madam the holiday is wed.that means work on thurs. so unpack

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  16. hope ur better now. Have u figured u out now?

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  17. hope u figure out who u are..
    cheers!

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  18. LOL! hope u feel berra soonest *winks

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  19. ibiluv...glad i'm better too. thanks

    pink satin...thanks girl

    sasuke...stick with FQ the clever and i'll ahev to come up with some silly name for you mr...lol

    i think i'm just a few steps away from complete discovery, thus i can identify who i am to some extent. like you say, i sure intend to have a stronger opinion of self than i already have.

    naija chikito...word! that unrealistic expectation is one hell of a sucker, especially when it comes from someone who isnt you.

    but then like you said being the best i can be is the absolute solution.

    anonymous gal...i wish i acted my age more too. i wish i goofed around when it was legit to do so...now its too late to get the sweet sixteen days back..bla bla bla

    DL...definately a man amongst men, you should see me scratching my crotch..lol
    okay, but i tend to be hard core in a girly way when i'm in the midst of guys, they know not to mess with me and same time treat me like a lady, not a weaker being.

    solomosydelle...yes i am phenomenal! thanks for that word.

    DoG..lol. fortunately debt in this sense is far off from shopping(thankGod)

    i'll be well.

    anonymous girl...you're mean. what happened to soft landing? you're supposed to bring me down to earth softly not crash landing.

    uzezi...i'm much better. thanks. and figured me out i have 90 something percent.

    sopasexy...i ahve to an extent thanks.

    fo...i'm berra already. thanks.

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  20. Glad you are feeling better? That last paragraph got me picturing you as gladiator standing at the coloseum declaring who you are - lol

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  21. i believe one cannot truly know one's self fully, but the quest to do so sure is exciting

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  22. nothing more beautiful than a confident sista!
    u go girl!

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  23. HALLELUYAH!!!feel you about the growing up before realising that phase was cool...older friends...
    ...but i guess that is what make our lives ours...

    Thanks for stopping by...

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  24. thank God. its good to know u have u figured out. Happy Easter

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  25. This post is very deep.
    Do we really know who we are?!(Food for thought)
    Nice blog. Check out mine if u can.

    @afro, am the real aphrodite babes,lol!

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  26. hope you feel better now!

    it's nice to appreciate oneself, no one will value us more than we value ourselves! Go girl! I'm walking that self discovery path myself!

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  27. you are definately smart

    i can see that you have a lot of knowledge of history and greek mythology

    very nice

    you should definately know who you are as an afrikan

    in the us afrikans were stripped of our names, history and culture

    you all have it right there

    embrace it

    to know who you are you have to look at the history of your people

    a good book that really gave me a greater level of knowledge of self was "the destruction of black civilization" by chancellor williams

    the best book on the lessons of afrikan history i've ever seen

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  28. 1 down X to go...
    I'll have u figured out soon *wink*

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  29. hmm... i think everone has said everything! this made for a really nice read, and i totally feel u! "who am I?" is the ultimate gazillion dollar qstn. nice write-up Fantasyqueen ( u are right about the name thing too...lol)

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  30. i plan on changing my blogname soon, as it doesnt bring to mind any "lust-filled" pictures...lol

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