who am i?

"I write for the unlearned about things in which I am unlearned myself." - CS Lewis, Reflections on the Psalms

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

the trials of a woman...

i read allieds post, then came across yar mama, and yesterday followed zena's link to her page. they all had one thing in common, relatively different but all talking about the same thing, zena ranted about a cheating husband having his cake and eating it and a couple of aunts going through abusive marriages(ie cheating spouses), yar mama is a northerner(like me) who was forced into marriage at 16 , a practice accepted by culture(but i'm glad she got courage to leave so shes not like the woman in the poem below) and allied spurned one of her classic tales, this time about a generation of women groomed to acccept abuse from their husband as a way of life.
it made me remember this poem by john saxe...

the best of husbands...

oh i have a husband as good as can be,
no woman could wish for better than he!
sometimes, indeed, he may chance be wrong.
but his love for me is uncommonly strong.

he has one little fault that makes me fret.
he has always less money, by far, than dept;
moreover, he thrashes me, now and then,
but excepting that, he's the best of men.

i own he is dreafully given to drink:
and besides he is rather too fond, i think,
of playing at cards and dice: but then,
excepting that, he is the best of men!

he loves to chat with the girls, i know
('tis the way with the,-they're always so),-
but what care i for his flirting, when,
excepting that he is the best of men!

i cant but say i think he is rash
to pawn my pewter, and spend the cash:
but how can i scold my darling, when,
excepting that, he's the best of men?

when soak'd with tipple, he's hardly polite,
but knocks the crockery left and right,
and pulls my hair, and growls again;
but excepting that, he's the best of men!

yes, such is the loyalty i have shown;
but i have a spouse who is all my own;
as good, indeed, as a man can be,
and who could ask for a better than he?

this is one of the reasons my resolve to one day get my degree in women rights grows strong daily. its one of my favorite poems. i love the humour, but its deeper than the laughs, maybe its just me,but i feel pain buried deep in the dear ladies story.

like a woman trying too hard to believe that 'excepting that, shes got the best of men' afterall there are women out there joslting for a husband and here she is with hers.
no person deserves to be treated this way with disrespect. i'll walk away so fast his fat cheating beating arse wouldnt know what knocked the breath out of him. even if he is the best of men when sober...sod him.

its a shame women are made to accept the brutality of their situations, thats going to change soon, very soon, and i hope to one day be part of that change, if not for everyone, but for the few i come across, even one person would give me fufilment, cos its one less person going through abuse from a spouse just because...

PS..maybe he was the best of men in bed? cos excepting that all he does classifies him as man trash..but then does sex make up for lots of things in a relationship? does it soothe the hurt and abuse?

33 comments :

  1. very thoughtful albeit pitiful insight into the mind of an abused woman who is *delusionally holding on to her illusion of a man who is sanded in the character and shape of a demon. As sad as it may, there many women who exist in the same sphere as this woman. Should she be pitied? maybe. everyone deserves at least one in a lifetime. Should it be dwelled on? I don't know. No one can save self but self. plus sometimes the weak don't wish to be saved 'cos they have accepted what is not acceptable.

    God bless the weak and sustain the strong.

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  2. P.S We must remember that we are the other half of every equation we find ourselves, we can choose to stay in or opt out. life is simple in a complex way...

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  3. I REALLY hate hearing such things, because they bug me. I took the liberty of visiting those blogs you mentioned, and it upset me more. It trips me, how in this society, everyone is SO obsessed wwith conformity, with impressing others, with backward old-fashioned mindsets, how gender roles are so rigid and almost idollized, how men are raised from the word go to believe that they are invisible and special/powerful and must demad respect for no reason other than the fact they are male, and women are continuuously being rammed with the idea that they no achievement can ever be even a tenth of having a husband and doing everything he desires.
    Where silence is encouraged. I kinda disagree with Unnaked. Should they be pitied? YES! Because, not everyone is STRONG, some women are weak, and have nothing, and stand to be worse off if they try to escape their situation. Because noone is out there to encourage them
    Fantasy Queen, you go girl, with your women's rights movement. That's the kind of thing we need to hear, and not crap about indecent dressing bills...

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  4. its a harsh reality that the women folk get to face that kinda truma in the hands of their male counterparts but in truth our society plays a very major role in this issue as it is a well known fact that the male offspring is valued more than the female offspring which psychologically creates inferior complex on the part of the woman that she is ready to take anything outside the elasticity of her limits just to please her man.
    there also is the burden of early marriage the society puts on the women folk. this is so bad it has become a stigma and as such you find many a women leaving their comfort zone to marry men of unpredictable characters just because they want to fit into a barbaric society which seems to pull into its black hole everything that decides to be different.
    fantasy queen my dear this issue na
    heavy long thing and lets not also forget that the women sometimes prompt or draw the abuse. Na God go save us.
    nice piece

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  6. Hmm, very deep and insightful post fantasy queen.

    @ Unnaked: I do agree to an extent that the weak cannot be helped as they have already accepted their fate however, like onydchic, I believe some weak peopel can be helped- its a matter of psyche change, education/information and empowerment. We cannot change or help all, but some can be salvaged.

    Fantasyqueen: lets keep up the good work of women rights, graduually, I'm sure we will get there.

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  7. Its a shame really. Women ought to be treasured.

    @sasuke, abeg come and explain what you meant by women prompting abuse.

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  8. I agree, there seems to be much pain behind the sarcasm. I watched my mother get abused and cheated on as a child, and as a result of watching that I think I have etched it in my mind to be totally different. I tolerate many things, but will never allow cheating and abuse of any kind. Cheating is the very reason I left my husband. Man or no man, I am still a Queen, as are all of us. Having peace of mind is better than being in a fruitless marriage/relationship with an imbecile of a person.

    I heart you, Fantasy Queen! You are such a sweetheart.

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  9. the poem was deep deep and deep.

    Both men and women both have work to do and i agree with sasuke - Mothers mollycoddles their sons and teach them to be head of the house with their fist.

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  10. men this soo deep...wait i will go n read again

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  11. its naive to think abuse is something to tolerate

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  12. in reference to the last sentence yes if the person is addicted to sex and the man is fairly decent at it

    european culture is a mysoginistic, chavaunistic, violent culture

    in the u.s. it's estimated that the average person sees a million violent acts on the tele by the time they are 18

    and many people here are beaten and whiped as children

    whenever a person is beaten as a child it teaches them to act violently towards people when all else fails

    in order to change the people you have to change their culture (habits)

    i hope that female rights class teaches you that

    go gurl lol

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  13. My question is why women stay in abusive relationships...it's very sad sha.

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  14. Add pamela to that list up there, cos she has decided to preach the cause as well...I personally get saddened by such stories and I like being happy so......

    Love the poem...the woman has decided to make do with what she has...

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  16. hmm this abuse stuff is serious o.florida of free spirt also has a blog on abuse.@ 30+ women stay in such coz the are to scared to live or they have been ripped of self esteem that the think no one would love them again, or like yar mama that is the only life the know.
    watched Vagina monologues on friday nite, i must say its an eye opener.

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  17. such is the tale of many women and more than enough of us know men like the one in that poem who r the perfect men yet they give us hell? and all a woman wants is just to be loved in return.

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  18. It's the tale, but why can't it be stopped? why does the cycle have to go on and on, I fear that I will hear my children, complain about the same thing and it's sad.

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  19. May God deliver us from such monkeys, em, I mean men.

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  20. Girl, ther are alot of people suffering like this o. Thats why i keep saying its not how early you marry that matters. its how well you live with your spouse. Alot of guys these days will not even indulge in physical or verbal abuse, the emotional torture they give is enough to kill. I will do that degree in Women rights and liberation with you o, we need to be untrampled.

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  21. the devil's advocate

    abuse is rampant, and not just in one culture. it is also not only physical or gender-specific. whilst male abuse is generally more visible, i have known of women who inflicted serious mental torture on their men, some men lose their homes in the process. a particular woman received her boyfriend in the presence of her husband and children, within her marital home, the boyfriend even raining verbal abuse on the husband, asking him why he was still hanging around.

    i feel it will better serve the cause if we recognised abuse for what it is: something bad and depraved that must be actively discouraged, but which is practised by both males and females.

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  22. UPDATE! Ope you are good babes.

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  23. ...the important thing is, abuse is unacceptable and should be rejected.

    'tis a call for all to rise to.
    Cheers.

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  24. I knew u weren't going to update till I put up a comment.
    I read this post a while back, and was too lazy to comment when i did. funny thing is we've been having this argument (my study buddies) for the past week: as to why a guy/girl will stay in a relationship if nothing bt the sex is good.
    I personally think sex can NEVER make up for abuse, infact that is abuse of sex!, lol.
    we, as women, decide how we want to be treated early on in the relationship. If you let him walk all over u in the sugar-sugar time, u damn right he'll keep walking when the sugar runs out!
    alright dearie, you can now update

    PS: u know i changed my url, pl change it on ur blog :)

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  25. The poem is so humorous and yet so alarming at the same time.

    A lot of women still need to get to the stage where they can say a big resounding NO to maltreatments and abuse. U're right, people in blogsville (e.g. Allied) have been highlighting this fact for a while now...

    Like you, I don't mind advocating for womens' rights too in the nearest future...more than that, to advocate for womens' voices to be heard...

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  26. @ James Tubman..."In the U.S. it's estimated that the average person sees a million violent acts on the tele by the time they are 18." That's 152 violent acts per day from the time the child is 1 yr till he is 18yrs of age. WOAH!!!! Treachery!!!

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  27. fantasy queen, this is due for update i think....lol

    she u dey fine sha

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  28. desperate lady said...
    Lol @ d questions, now I don't knw what to ask....hmm lets see
    "What kind of a person do you think I am?"

    February 24, 2008 3:47 PM

    36 INCHES OF BROWN LEGS said...@desperate lady
    i think u r nice but theres something about u i just put a finger on, im not sure u r who/what u say u are.February 24, 2008 6:49 PM

    13 March 2008 15:56

    ReplyDelete
  29. desperate lady said...
    Lol @ d questions, now I don't knw what to ask....hmm lets see
    "What kind of a person do you think I am?"

    February 24, 2008 3:47 PM

    36 INCHES OF BROWN LEGS said...@desperate lady
    i think u r nice but theres something about u i just put a finger on, im not sure u r who/what u say u are.February 24, 2008 6:49 PM

    13 March 2008 15:56

    ReplyDelete
  30. desperate lady said...
    Lol @ d questions, now I don't knw what to ask....hmm lets see
    "What kind of a person do you think I am?"

    February 24, 2008 3:47 PM

    36 INCHES OF BROWN LEGS said...@desperate lady
    i think u r nice but theres something about u i just put a finger on, im not sure u r who/what u say u are.February 24, 2008 6:49 PM

    13 March 2008 15:56

    ReplyDelete
  31. desperate lady said...
    Lol @ d questions, now I don't knw what to ask....hmm lets see
    "What kind of a person do you think I am?"

    February 24, 2008 3:47 PM

    36 INCHES OF BROWN LEGS said...@desperate lady
    i think u r nice but theres something about u i just put a finger on, im not sure u r who/what u say u are.February 24, 2008 6:49 PM

    13 March 2008 15:56

    ReplyDelete
  32. desperate lady said...
    Lol @ d questions, now I don't knw what to ask....hmm lets see
    "What kind of a person do you think I am?"

    February 24, 2008 3:47 PM

    36 INCHES OF BROWN LEGS said...@desperate lady
    i think u r nice but theres something about u i just put a finger on, im not sure u r who/what u say u are.February 24, 2008 6:49 PM

    13 March 2008 15:56

    ReplyDelete
  33. u just put up what probably half of women in the world are going thru! thinking that so long as they are married, happily not being important, all is well. it's the kraziest mindset, but it's very unfortunately there!in the minds of women!thanx for this enlightening write-up and poem

    ReplyDelete

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