who am i?

"I write for the unlearned about things in which I am unlearned myself." - CS Lewis, Reflections on the Psalms

Saturday, May 17, 2008

the other woman



This line from Nina Simones 'the other woman' prompted this post

'But the other woman will always cry herself to sleep,the other woman will never have his love to keep, and as the years go by the other woman will spend her life alone'

Not always so, because sometimes the other woman wins or maybe its her loss? Because she used to be the other woman, the one he rushed to, a distraction from the routine, but now she is 'the woman', the one who eventually becomes the routine, and he's got another woman.

It's really just a circle innit?

I never want to be the other woman. Lots of women are not ready to accept the emotional responsibility of a real relationship so they seek unavailable partners to avoid true intimacy.

But is it reason enough to be the other woman?
You get more comfortable with a fella who's unavailable, you fall for that illusion of him, cos you know deep down both of you can never be because you have refused to be the other woman.
But are you lying to yourself? Maybe you're not so guilt free after all, you might not do anything, but talking on phone for hours, showing concern and 'friendliness' might as well translate to emotional cheating, cos he's falling for the idea that you could be, he's seeing 'his woman' as less than she is, more stale by the day compared to the freshness of you and he's warming up to the idea of you. The chats, the calls, the mails and sms, the (innocent)dinner and movie dates....that's cheating.

Then he breaks up with her so 'we' can be together, but you have no use for an available man, cos you don't want a relationship, you want an illusion of one, cos you're freaking scared, so you become distant and all evasive of him and prepare for your next illusion.

We may not be having sizzling HOT affairs with married/unavailable men, but somehow you find yourself in the position of 'the other woman', because you think it's just innocent, till you start to doubt yourself.  We've got to understand that we are lovable and that we deserve to have an open, equal and loving relationship, rather than be impatient enough to wait thus accepting the title of 'the other woman'.


I'm sick of all the comments of 'your shakara too much, better choose one guy now, before this thing you call beauty would fade and you'll start doing the chasing or worse, settle as the other woman to one chief alhaji' thats a quote from a friend, tufiakwa...
*******************************
Met my first openly gay guy, I may be against it, but he's such a wonderful fella, all finger snapping and head twisting, and so hilarious with stories of his boyfriend(had to hold myself back from asking him how he could love a man that way.) Best of all, he does my make up wonderfully well. He's the 40th wonder of my world. Don't know what the 29th to 39th wonders are, but i couldnt put him on top of the list. I've seen lots of gay folks, but never have I come across a 'gay and proud' Nigerian in Nigeria... Only in lagos people, only in lagos.


45 comments:

  1. this is how to do it FIRST!!!

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  2. 2nd!!!

    u for ask ur gay friend details on how they do u know what!

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  3. lots of women are not ready to accept the emotional responsibility of a real relationship so they seek unavailable partners to avoid true intimacy

    you are not supposed to be this deep at such a young age

    i think that's a great reason

    and some women want what they can't have

    some might want to change him and see if they can get him to dump who he's presently with to be with her

    some have never known anything but hurt from men so they can't appreciate a man who isn't evil

    some seek excitement chronically to compensate for their empty lives

    the list goes on and on

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  4. I totally know how that feels...don't ask me how come. I've been here before. Being almost the other woman, and the moment I realized he was about to become available, I disappeared into thin air! I became a spirit. Oh so so funny. it's part of life. Sometimes we do want the unavailable, it's more desirable.

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  5. the concept of the oda woman is more romantic, we rationalise that he wants to be wit us is madly in love wit us but...cant b coz forces of nature or sum oda shit is kippin us apart.

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  6. i m with james tubman,.....some women want what they can't have, n if e nor be ur own, e cant be ur own, chikena!!!
    @ ur gay friend- my sistah,i nor fit shout o

    hope u r doing gr8t?

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  7. You are too cool to be the other woman unless he is ready to leave her for you not when he is married tho.

    That ur gay friend, i'll like to meet him o...arrange na,lol!

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  8. You are a correct girl! You got the words out of my mouth. Emotional cheating, its a nasty feeling. To think that you guy isnt picking your call cos he is on the phone with the other girl or the other girl gets to hear about his new job before you. Its devastating. He stays up all night chatting with her and on saturdays when youre supposed to be spending time together, he is watching a movie with her. Its nasty really and i can say so because i have been the other girl and the real girl.

    Dont settle for less girl, you deserve more and whats up with guys denying their real chics?

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  9. wow. great post. not what i was expecting to read. you speak the truth, cause when i had "the other woman," things were just fine. i think she loved the ideal of i am going to take him from his woman.

    soon as my woman left me the other woman started to think a little more clear then. decided how much she really enjoyed being the other woman.

    you are not delusional. you made perfect sense.

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  10. Wow babes, I can so relate. Funny thing is I keep asking myself whether or not I am lying to myself about being ready for another serious relationship. I know deep inside that I am afraid, which is why I have opted to be the innocent friend that can give give advise to them about their women, yet not have to open myself emotionally to anyone.

    Anyhoo, while I agree that you are a very beautiful woman, you will never chase a man nor settle for being a sideline woman because your beauty is far greater than just your outward appearance. You have an inner glow, zest for life, and beauty that truly far surpasses that of your physical. You will love and be loved in return by the one deemed worthy of you...ALL of you.

    **Kisses**

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  11. how good is ur gay guy? I might want him ( but not for any plugging)
    this post is gold carino no need to say more though in retrospect some might do it for the pure reason that it's got a confirmed escape route which is why they bounce whe he/she becomes available.

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  12. you know the funny thing about the other woman???

    You never know who is truely the other woman..might be his wife, might be his mistress cos truthfully his main woman is the one he truely loves .....

    Have you been in a relationship where u tot u were the main woman only to find out otherwise???

    Have u been in a relationship where you tot u were the other woman then he proposes???

    Shit happens???

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  13. I REITERATE....i love u and always will..

    ur post is breath of fresh air!!!

    gay guys are not so bad!!! i just fear for their safety in that place called lagos with so many homophobic people!!!

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  14. Babes..

    Who wants to be the other woman? deep down, the other woman becomes one inorder to become the main chick.. but most of them stay the other woman and because they are pressed for time and lack of it..

    They begin to believe that it pays to be the other woman..

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  15. hmm, those lyrics from the song are quite true as is your post.

    Well, I can't add anything else other than, though shall not covet your neighbor's property...

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  16. They've said it all: You're too all that to be the other woman.

    Yours would come your way soon and you'd be his totally and completely.

    Don't mind those peeps talking about jumping into the game when you've not met him yet. While they possibly mean you well and hope you'd get married, many of them who are married cannot wait to hang their spouses on the ceiling fan!

    Hi babes. You good?
    Takia!

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  17. Gurl, u talking 'bout me? lol

    Sometimes you become the other woman innocently and by the time u realise its almost late.

    Never met a gay guy. def looking forward to meeting one.

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  18. post is true........i dont agree with it though

    not every platonic relationship is meant to be romantic and some people DO know where to draw the line.........

    hard for others to understand......
    but....to each his own.........

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  19. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  20. oh and you know i know u know how much i know about how so close you came to falling for him.

    is this too much info for you page?

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  21. and YES...i found you. stand up for the champion...YIHAWWWW!
    xxxxx F.O

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  22. i like what afrobabe had to say...nice post...

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  23. Sometimes what we cant get seems so tempting.
    been a while i was here.

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  24. funny, I remember my dear cousin being openly gay in Nigeria (I was about 14) and he lived his life for him.

    Thanks for leaving some luv on my page.

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  25. lol.so when is fantasy anonymous our nkwo bi joint starting. hope u hv not 4gotten o as u siuggested it.

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  26. Wait a minute...
    What about the other man?
    Huh?
    What about the other MAN?
    What?
    We don't exist right?

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  27. Up United!!!!!!!!!!
    babes, how we go celebrate na?




    Gunner4life

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  28. Babes,

    I need to speak to you, can you email me at

    allied_genesis@yahoo.com

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  29. Tobenna with his man man comment. Well, the other man exist. What of those that will still want to date u whether you are married or not. The other man is worst

    Fantasy Queen, I read of a guy girl that told his wife that a male partner will be sleeping in their matrimonial bedroom. After 3 kids with his wife, he chose to go completely gay. He claimed he married the woman to satisfy his family. City People published the story and they claim the guy stays in Lagos. See?

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  30. ok thats one thing you won't catch a guy being proud about.
    ((being other guy)) lol

    yea its true! girls are from otter space

    ur gay friend reminds me of a time I walkED too close to a gay community and fELT like I was being watched....man did I Jet

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  31. lol @ d gay guy. i don't know but i find male homosexuality repulsive. i wouldn't know how 2 relate 2 one without being judgmental. i tot i was more 'understanding' abt female homosexuality till i visited a blog were (i think o) d blogger's boo was a girl & she was talking of dem kissing & all. totally disgusting. i left d blog, never 2 visit it again.

    as 4 being d other woman, sweetheart, u don't know how these things happen sometimes. wit my ex, i was technically d other woman. he was seeing someone but had told me there was none other. @ d time i discovered otherwise, i was already n love. i told myself i was making him cheat on his girl cos we were kissing anymore & we never slept 2geda. yet, i kept hoping he'd finally leave her & decide 4 me totally. & d asshole, he'd say 'wot do u do wen u love 2 women?!'. after a while sha, i'd 2 tell myself d truth. he wasn't going 2 leave her. he's enjoying d best of us (me & his woman) too much. 2 add 2 it, he's a natural flirt & women r always falling over demselves 4 him. i left o, but not after many months.

    tory nefa finish o. wen i started seeing my present man, bobo came back. he played d 'u love me & i love u' card, still denying d existence of his girl & pretending as though am available! but i wasn't going 2 fall 4 dat ever again!!!!!


    really, not everyone went out planning 2 b d 'other woman'.

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  32. someone should do a post on 'the other man' pls

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  33. I have been the other woman and i can say it's not a very nice position.You can't complain cause you knew what you were getting into.Although it worked out well for my cousin,i wouldn't recommend it for someone i care about

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  34. poor 'the other woman', i pray never to be involved, besides being unfaithful to the love of my life, cheating is major work & i'm not sure i can cope with...gay & proud...how do those things fit in one line & in Lagos too?...tell me

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  35. ah yes...the other woman syndrome...whether we admit it some or rather most of us have been in that position b4...it is safe to jus be true to ourselves and not sell ourselve short...

    huh? the gay dude? hmmn would looove to meet him...omo nuin do me..jus curious..

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  36. hmm not just women..the human find what they don't have "attractive"...

    it is not our portion to be the other woman.. God forbid bad thing

    wow..openly gay man in lagos...nawa o..i also wonder sometimes how they do it..kai!

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  37. Afrobabe has spoken. I have been the other woman b4 n trussssst me, dat was a very horrible xperience.

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  38. FQ, the explanation is on the blog..

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  39. People dont realise when you are in a serious relationship with someone, its wrong to stay on the phone for hours and have dates with another...
    I call it 'mind cheating' esp cos u start to entertain the thought of the 'other' being the 'one' and it always leads to real deal, physical cheating!

    I'd never have thought it was possible to be gay and proud in lagos! wow!

    You should check out 'The Other Woman' by Eric Jerome Dickey. Its
    one hell of a book!

    Nice post!

    'ef babe'

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  40. This post is reali reali good.

    Theres a lot I can say about being the other woman, but I'll just get 2 d chase.

    The other woman, will always b the other woman, nothing more. Except she comes 2 her senses n rights her wrong.

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  41. I can't shout. Jo jo!
    This post is awesome and it makes me feel so guilty cos right now, I get the feeling that I'm the other woman, in that we spend so much day time together esp at uni but then we dont do the cinema or sms's cos we both are probably too ashamed to admit it, even though there has been a 'mistake' once and we both feared it might make our relationship look awkward. The oddest thing is that I don't see myself being with him when he becomes available...WHAT A LIFE!!!

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  42. the other woman...... being there, done that... i was also scared of commitment but now i fear that there may be 'the other woman' when im in a proper relationship.... i like ur blog

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  43. Babe, very well said mehn!
    Luv your blog.

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  44. Wow!
    To think that i have actually been the other woman plenty plenty times and I didnt even know it.....I just thot I was using him as a phone-pal!
    lol!

    Good write girl!!

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