didnt go to work today,called in sick. yeah i really am sick, my leg hurts bad, saw my doctor for it(gave me pain killers, which just makes me drowsy, i mean give me pain killers, if i want to sleep i know what to take) got a cold too. but worse of all, my minds sick.
recently i've been feeling all blue and dark and scary, tried spinning it off and thinking happy thoughts, even sound of musics 'favorite things' music, greatly substituted with my faves didnt help out..
i feel so depressed that i hurt physically, my chest expands to a point where i feel it'll explode any minute. i thought i was over this phase, i'm way past my teen years to blame it on hormones.
i was so sure i had reached the point where i ought to be. i was wholesomely a woman of substance 100% sure of who i was. maybe i really have arrived there, but its so overwhelming to deal with. i found myself crying me to sleep last night. thats when i knew i was in trouble.
perfection/satisfaction may not be that perfect in every sense of the word, it gets frustrating, its not a bed of roses, rather a wall splashed with uncertainties.
this is a point where i pray as i wonder, and hold myself back from whispering 'take away my mountain lord' rather i've been whispering loudly 'give me the strength to climb'. my gift, my curse...so much is expected of me, so much i cant deliver and i fear the judgment. why cant they understand that i am only human like they are.
i'm going through an emotional voyage, the tide gets so strong i fear i'll loose myself in the storm and jump overboard, but i pray loudly that i'm somehow able to be as brave as the captain of this ship called my life and stay on board. i'm laughing on the outside and screaming on the inside.
if i didnt have a family so in love with me
or my nieces
or just have mom call me up to 'check on me'
would i jump this ship?
went for a full spa option, got my hair did. cos i thought to myself,'if all else fails in my bid to overcome depression, then look beautiful'...nothing feels good like having cars slow down, or guys doing the double take on you, at least you get an instant smile on your face.
it rained all evening today, like really heavy. i stepped out in the rain, wanting it to wash away my blueness. damn, the movies makes it look so cool, the drenched tops, standing still, eyes wide open as it washes em up, you know the wet hair and all, well i forgot i just got my hair did,all the spritz and stuff kept running in my eyes,thats when i remembered how much i spent on the hair....LMAO. at least i can laugh about stuff.
having a sense of humor in depression is certainly the best medicine.