who am i?

"I write for the unlearned about things in which I am unlearned myself." - CS Lewis, Reflections on the Psalms

Friday, May 2, 2008

baggage!

didnt go to work today,called in sick. yeah i really am sick, my leg hurts bad, saw my doctor for it(gave me pain killers, which just makes me drowsy, i mean give me pain killers, if i want to sleep i know what to take) got a cold too. but worse of all, my minds sick.
recently i've been feeling all blue and dark and scary, tried spinning it off and thinking happy thoughts, even sound of musics 'favorite things' music, greatly substituted with my faves didnt help out..
i feel so depressed that i hurt physically, my chest expands to a point where i feel it'll explode any minute. i thought i was over this phase, i'm way past my teen years to blame it on hormones.

i was so sure i had reached the point where i ought to be. i was wholesomely a woman of substance 100% sure of who i was. maybe i really have arrived there, but its so overwhelming to deal with. i found myself crying me to sleep last night. thats when i knew i was in trouble.
perfection/satisfaction may not be that perfect in every sense of the word, it gets frustrating, its not a bed of roses, rather a wall splashed with uncertainties.

this is a point where i pray as i wonder, and hold myself back from whispering 'take away my mountain lord' rather i've been whispering loudly 'give me the strength to climb'. my gift, my curse...so much is expected of me, so much i cant deliver and i fear the judgment. why cant they understand that i am only human like they are.

i'm going through an emotional voyage, the tide gets so strong i fear i'll loose myself in the storm and jump overboard, but i pray loudly that i'm somehow able to be as brave as the captain of this ship called my life and stay on board. i'm laughing on the outside and screaming on the inside.
if i didnt have a family so in love with me
or my nieces
or just have mom call me up to 'check on me'
would i jump this ship?

went for a full spa option, got my hair did. cos i thought to myself,'if all else fails in my bid to overcome depression, then look beautiful'...nothing feels good like having cars slow down, or guys doing the double take on you, at least you get an instant smile on your face.

it rained all evening today, like really heavy. i stepped out in the rain, wanting it to wash away my blueness. damn, the movies makes it look so cool, the drenched tops, standing still, eyes wide open as it washes em up, you know the wet hair and all, well i forgot i just got my hair did,all the spritz and stuff kept running in my eyes,thats when i remembered how much i spent on the hair....LMAO. at least i can laugh about stuff.
having a sense of humor in depression is certainly the best medicine.

16 comments:

  1. FIRST!!!
    claiming my spot...

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  3. 2nddd

    Too much teevee is not goo...havent u evre heard of the phrase "Don't try this at home?"

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  4. Keep praying, keep looking good, keep surrounding yourself with positive friends and family-and the sun will start to shine again. A cyber hug and kiss for you!

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  6. diary of a G said...
    wow...I felt this...matter of fact, its raining right now n am bout to hit the streets on a busy saturday. movies style lol

    the stress, blues, mountains n expectations builds ambition

    so i know the captain of the ship
    gon be just fine

    owwww

    I'll holla

    I liked ur ending...
    LMAO

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  7. ha ha..@ ur hair, ur eye clear na abi.

    hope u feel better babez, depression no fit fine gal like you ok.

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  8. Lmao @ ur hair!
    i never leave the house without an umbrella..never!

    the people in the movies have hairstylists on set to re-do the hair between takes
    :-D

    xx

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  9. Awww sorry dear...should have called me so I can make u laugh...hope u are better now...

    take it easy yeah...its just a phase..

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  10. hope you're feelin better now hun. princesa would ring you about that matter i told you about, so we can arrange something.

    http://aliceinwondarland.blogspot.com/2008/04/act-1-scene-1.html

    check that blog out girl. some crazy shit. lol.

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  11. seriously u stood under the rain? try bloggin bout wats buggin u. if u not sure just blog bout wats on ur mind it helps trust me.

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  12. My darlyn...I'm sad that you're sad. Here's a hug from me {HUG}

    It'll be over soon. Add praying to the list of feel good things. It really does help.

    Love you loads.

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  13. lol!!@thats when i remembered how much i spent on the hair....

    IT IS WELL,
    *hope u r berra now*

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  14. ah... the rain washed away your money. you poor thing. well at least you could find something to laugh about...

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  15. Babe, are u okay?

    We go through this sometimes, just know u are not alone.

    I feel you on the rain bit, but i have not been brave enough to try it..

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  16. hope you are feeling better...kisses...

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