who am i?

"I write for the unlearned about things in which I am unlearned myself." - CS Lewis, Reflections on the Psalms

Friday, April 23, 2010

shit business.

If ever there was a humbling experience, or do I say an experience that makes us all the more equal while we're alive(cos at death we all become dirt)
Its the act of dodoing, poopooing, call it whatever... defecating, shiting, downloading,expressing yourself, Whatever....
After all, some portable toilet coy in lagos slogan is "shit business is serious business"
Now that's a humoring leveler of all persons, great or small, tush or untush, jebby or kpako, beautiful or ugly. We all shit.
I'm sure if there was a surgery to stop the act, we'd have very rich doctors and those 'nose in the air' peeps would have their nose sailing away in the skies way above the moon after they get their arseholes stitched up.

It don't matter that its done in different styles... In a golden bowl, in a pit, in the bush, in a bucket, in diapers, in a mansion, in a hut, sweating or in an air conditioned room. Once your pants come down baby, you're equal with your aboki security man.
The fact that you have a closet full of Chanel's and a Bentley, a butler and a stylist and paid for triple Ds and I don't, doesn't make your shit prettier or guarantee it'll be smelling like Chanel no 5.

It don't matter if you had breakfast in Paris, lunch in the best restaurant in Italy and dinner with the Pope... It ain't going to make your shit more refined than the prisoner in Kirikiri or sing sing. So it doesn't matter if i hate sushi, don't force me to eat stuff I hate to give me credibility:)

How do I get over the very cute boy next door type of crush? I'm not talking about the golddigging type of crush(now the gold digging type is when you crush over dudes who just happen to be successful like jayz, lil wayne....bart/homa Simpson) I just imagine him having a good ol nice little dump, and he's not so tush and mystical anymore, he's just human. Now I know people might have that kind of imagination about me, but I need to make a clear point here. I was exempted from that fun, disgusting act, ohh yes I was, I just sweat it all out. Poor you, now you know you're not so tush after all:) and some humans are more equal that the others:)

I can't believe I just sat down and wrote about shit, and literally too. Gosh, things we say when we're hidden behind a computer screen and your key board speaks for you.

So i wrote this shit business deal some days ago, i wasn't going to post it, then coincidentally a friend shared this with me on facebook, and i went hell with it.

SHITMEN:
GHOST SHIT. You know you've shitted. There's shit on the toilet paper, but none in the toilet.
TEFLON-COATED SHIT. Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't even feel it. No trace of shit on the paper. You have to look in the toilet to make sure you did something.
GOOEY-SHIT. This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your arse 12 times and it's still not clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your jocks so that you don't stain them. This kind of shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.
SECOND THOUGHT SHIT. You're all done wiping, and you're about to stand up when you realise....you've got more.
POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD SHIT The kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come out till you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
WEIGHT WATCHERS SHIT. You shit so much, you lose several kilos.
RIGHT NOW SHIT. You had better be within 30 seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber getting to the toilet. Usually it has its head out before you can get your pants down.
KING KONG or CHOKER SHIT. This one is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually occurs at someone else's house.
CORK SHIT (also Floater) Even after the third flush it's still floating in the bowl. You think "SHIT" how do I get rid of it.
WET CHEEKS SHIT. This shit hits the water sideways and makes a big splash that gets you all wet.
WISH SHIT. You sit there all cramped up in the foetal position and fart a few times, but no shit in sight.
CEMENT BLOCK SHIT. You wish you had a spinal anaesthetic before you attempted this one.
SNAKE SHIT. This shit is fairly soft, about as thick as your thumb and at least a metre long.
BEER AND PIZZA SHIT. This happens the day after the night before. Most of the time your shit doesn't smell so bad but this one is BAD.... usually this one happens at someone else's house, and someone is always waiting outside the toilet door.
MEXICAN FOOD SHIT (or Screamer). You will know it's safe to eat again when your arse stops burning.

Isn't it funny that this is a common trait all humans and animals share, and yet its so embarrassing to talk about?
happy shitting.

5 comments:

  1. I could stop laughing, this is toilet humor at its crudest and funniest too. What if I tell you that I don't poo? OMG, King Kong shit..LOL..

    ReplyDelete
  2. OMG!

    LMAO!

    Can't believe I just read a loooonng post about Sh***!

    ReplyDelete
  3. lmao....i can't stop laughing.
    I want to forward this post to my husband and sis.

    "KING KONG or CHOKER SHIT. This one is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually occurs at someone else's house."...he!he!!!he!!!!he!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. heheheheheheheehehehehehehehe

    i love shitting!!!!!!!!!!!!

    the relief i feel after a great shit is almost orgasmic

    wink

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...