who am i?

"I write for the unlearned about things in which I am unlearned myself." - CS Lewis, Reflections on the Psalms

Thursday, July 22, 2010

The Love Story

I’m not the girl who falls in love. I’m the girl who has major crushes and moves on. But this was love quite all right. It was the stark raving mad kind of love. Yeah, he was fine, yeah he was bloodily rich. People referred to him as a prince. His dad was one of those high chiefs/kings . So maybe all the perks helped a little, but oh my, dude was the sweetest most humble of them all. My feelings were definitely beyond his looks and pocket and overall perfection.
He’s the sort of guy everyone falls in love with, I couldn’t imagine what he saw in plain old me.

My life changed with him in it. We were in sync, I backed out of things he didn’t like me doing, cut off from friends he felt were bad influences, our PDA was almost too consuming, always whispering to him words only he understood. that man knew how to make a woman feel loved. Morning, afternoon and evening was something special and sweet written just for me, one-liners, whole pages, a story that always spoke directly to my heart. He was my first call everyday and every night he was the ears that listened to me talk myself to sleep. In the afternoons I sneaked calls to him to tell him how much I loved him.
Have you heard me sing before? Well you’d hate it, but this man, he loved it when I sang for him, he listened like I was the best singer in the world, some days I danced into the night with or for him. Those were days of perfection. I had so much peace with him, but I was becoming one of those girls…you know those that go crazy in love that they don’t fit into the world anymore? Those my friends and I gossiped, mocked and made jokes about, no more fun nights out, I was too busy with mi love. I was no more popular especially at the hot spots, no more at the events, the little social fire I had burning was slowly ebbing out. I was just ‘the girl he loved’ now. Thus I decided to take things slow, people were starting to talk, and you know how we hate it when people talk, don’t you?

And take things slow I did, more like try to shoo him off like I do with my crushes. It was too consuming for me, or so I thought. From whispering every moment to him to not even giving him a nod of acknowledgement, to blocking out his desperate but calm whispers of love, to dreading his letters, the once sweet words were now like chunks of bitter herbs to me. they only seemed to highlight how wrong I was even though they were the same old sweet words.
I cheated on him, betrayed his trust, and abused his love. Made his family and friends wonder why he still hung on to me.
I used him when I wanted, like days when I needed his money and his family connection, or days my leg hurt, and I needed him to rub my back the way only he knew how to, days I was sad, days the world seemed blue, I would come crying to him and he would rock me to sleep in his arms, that peaceful familiar arm of strength and I’d know everything would be okay. Of course that little fox that loves to ruin the garden of love would visit and in the morning I was back to being the mean lover i was. I cringe at what I put him through, the pain, the hurt, the shame. I pushed him to the limit any human would have cracked at, but there he was, his beautiful eyes lighting up for me when I bothered to visit. I knew he was hurt but I was past caring, I had hurt him too much to go back to that place we were at the beginning, o how I wanted to be there, but my shame wouldn’t even let me soften up to him, my shame took me farther away, my shame made me hurt him more, just waiting for him to reach his limit and dump me.

We had a routine I still kept up with. We went to his fathers the king/chiefs at oniru twice a week. On Tuesday evenings for dinner and Sunday mornings for breakfast. On these days I would grudgingly dress up in my best outfit not wanting to go, but feeling obliged to, the least I could do for him for defending me when his family asked him to leave me. I always ended up having the best of times, with the other family members and friends who were invited. Whenever I saw how much they loved my charming loving dude, I would get aggressively jealous, I would whisper and scream telling him how much I loved him, just for the show of it, just so they wouldn’t get to judge me or label me nasty or take him away from me(you see I’m that confused, I didn't want him but I wanted him). I would make sure I danced with him…..i didn’t want to loose his love to those who seemed to show more emotions than I did. I would hug him and kiss him and listen to him talk, as mesmerized with his words as the other guests ….we would laugh, and we would be the cute loving couple again. Till of course he drops me off, gives me the goodnight kiss, and with the morning light i'd be mean ol me again.

Oh that man really loved me….no one would or will have coped with my attitude for so long. Have you ever been so loved that you feel it in your spirit, soul and body? I messed up what i had because I was scared I’d be labeled as a weak weird girl, who fell in love and ruined her life. I preferred to be popular in town than be safe and pampered in his arms.

My miserable self wanted to free my spirit again, allow myself to accept Love, the purest pleasure of life without prejudice. I wanted those days back. I just had the worst day ever. the people I tried to impress by being tough on the best thing that ever happened to me were all a bunch of selfish fools, no good. Why did it take me so long realize this truth? We clubbed together, we drank together, we gossiped together, we did all those things together but we were no more than strangers. We didn’t love ourselves. They would gladly put a knife in my back and drag me to hades just to save themselves. i didn’t want to wake up in ten years alone, dying from some mistake I made with my ‘friends’. i wanted my love so bad.

Thus after this epiphany, I rushed over to his fathers, it was a friday, they'd be having some family dinner. i was going to fall at his feet, soak him up with my tears of sorrow, beg him to forgive me. I panicked, Not sure if he'd be nice to me, not like i deserved it. i said some nasty things to him a few hours earlier, was that the last straw that would break his love?

I rang the doorbell, feeling like an intruder in that house of love, I fidgeted, wanting to run back, but the door opened before I could, it wasn’t the butler, it was my love himself, how his eyes lit up, and the sight of it drowned the darkness of what i felt, and even before I could say a word, he pulled me to him and held me in his arms as I cried my shame away, all the words i wanted to say lost in my tears,but i didn't have to say anything, the way he held me told me he knew. He smiled and then he laughed,oh he laughed a sound so sweet ….
‘don’t cry, I’ll always love you, I’ll never leave you, even if you push me away, I’m close by, waiting for you to come back to me. my love is sufficient to drown your imperfection and mistakes,I don’t love you less than the first day I met you”

That man, my lover, my friend, my king. I’ll never leave him anymore, I’ll go crazy for him, I’ll gladly be called weird and be ignored cos I spend too much time with him and time talking about him on fb, twitter, bbm, I don’t mind being put in the dog house, as long as I’ve got him by my side, That man Jesus…he sure knows how to love, and I’m basking in his love. My love can never be measured to his, but I’ll try my best.

I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from his love. Death can’t, and life can’t. The angels can’t, and the demons can’t. Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, and even the powers of hell can’t keep God’s love away. Whether we are high above the sky or in the deepest ocean, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38-39)
its up to us to be willing to accept this special love, cos its just there waiting for us to acknowledge it.
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 . . . Love is patient and kind . . . Love does not demand its own way . . .
Love never gives up….thus he keeps knocking, the more you push the more persistent he is. Because that’s what he is, he’s Love and love is patient. His grace is more than we can ask for. given freely to those willing to accept it. thats why as imperfect as we are, as often as we nail him back to the cross and hurt him, he still welcomes us back when we turn back to him.

Sometimes it gets old and boring,if we don't constantly fuel the fire of love....by spending time together and praying etc. the excitement of the first few months and years are lost on us, thus we find ourselves sliding away, if we're not careful we end up being the mean lovers. Gods warning us about that, to keep watch, to guard our hearts so we don't loose out completely.
Look how far you have fallen from your first love! Turn back to me again and work as you did at first. If you don't, I will come and remove your lampstand from its place among the churches. revelation2:5

The bible is one of his precious gifts to us, cos its straight from his mouth to our ears. You find the kindest, truest most loving, and enlightening words in there, that directs, that comforts, that encourages, that teaches you everything, to love, to pray, to have faith,to recieve peace, to be happy, to be patient, to care…. its that love letter that speaks straight to my heart.

I am the girl that Jesus loves and I’m proud to be his.

PS
i used oniru, not because of the royal family but cos my church city of David is located in oniru estate. we have sunday morning service 7.30am and 10.30am and midweek service on tuesdays by 6.30pm. come if you can to experience some real love:)

17 comments :

  1. I didn't know where this was going so the fiction part was really good. And then tying it so well, yeah, really good. Thanks for reminding me.

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  2. Wow, you had me there...loved it!

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  3. Oh my, oh my. You're a joke ;) You messed with my head!

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  4. You got me! i was expecting to read sthg different but u know what dis makes so much sense

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  5. This brought tears...thanks for reminding me of God's love

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  6. somehow, i knew where you were going. No man can withstand that kind of 'love'

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  7. I am completely blown away by your write up...I couldn't wait to read the last sentence because I wanted to be sure my suspicions were right. It ended the way I anticipated...Sounds like genuine love. It got my attention 100%. Such a symbolic metaphor.

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  8. And yea that "Oniru" got me a lil bit...lol

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  9. I kind o' had an idea where you were going with the post, and then i saw Oniru. That definitely changed my thought pattern, nice one. I love the way you ended it.

    My first love. Oh! how i love him.

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  10. Because I know you, the Oniru part was what gave it away for me.

    Nevertheless...
    - very moving

    - tear drawing

    - Higly inspired

    - Heavily heart-felt.

    No jokes here. It's impossible to write such without truly giving up everything you hold dear to gain and totally own this awesome & deep experience. That point where only His voice matters..nothing more about the world, friends or any other pull.

    You are truly THERE and now on your way to more. What can I say...congratulations.

    P.S: Suggestion - You need to share this amazing unashamed Love as a post on your facebook notes too.

    Welldone and more blessings.

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  11. Wow!!! Am speechless...I did not know where this was leading. Thanks for clarifying the Oniru part...now it all makes sense :-)

    By the way, forgot to mention - I love this your blog layout...the colours are amazing...

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  12. awesome! simply beautiful...only Him can love like that...all thks to God for loving us so...

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  13. u write SOOOO wonderfully! it hit so deep 'cos i've been thinking about Love - God's love and loving a woman who isn't appreciative.

    love does conquer all ;)

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  14. i heart u.....
    i kinda knew from the start sha!

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  15. i soooooo love this...gonna share it my fam...
    big ups to u....Ayeeko...

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