who am i?

"I write for the unlearned about things in which I am unlearned myself." - CS Lewis, Reflections on the Psalms

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Running back...


I have this suitcase; it's my special suitcase. I put in all those outfits I spent a fortune buying... You know, those really beautiful ones, that can't be put in with the rest. The outfits that snob the regulars, not solely because of their price, but just because they're special.

A variety of beautiful things with beautiful labels have lodged in that suitcase over the years. My Deola Sagoe couture pants, the sagoe jeans, the Tiffany Amber cream dress, the oxygen dress, the ‘extra special’ designer jeans, and other labeled dresses are just a few.

The DS Jeans is now a regular everyday jeans, dumped with the regular clothes, the couture pants have been separated from it's top and the price forgotten as I make space for something new and more glamorous in the suitcase. The designer jeans has been torn apart for an experiment with ankara and jeans, some of the dresses have turned to regular wears... some Tiffany Amber top i cherished has been displaced from that coveted space in the suitcase.
Same with shoes... My first ever Louboutin isn’t treated like some rare gem of a shoe anymore; it’s half way to being one of the regular guys, it barely makes it into it's dust bag before i fling it in the wardrobe.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who does that. Get something new and expensive and treat it so special for as long as the excitement lasts, then comes a time when it wears off and suddenly it losses the x-factor, and you see no reason why you should treat it special, you loose that patience and initial excitement that was there in the beginning. You just dump it in the wardrobe.

I was up like I usually am late at night, and it occurred to me that there was a time I was in too deep in this relationship with Christ. There was a time I’d dance my heart out deep into the night, a time dancing was a routine, not just a reflex thing, but one with meaning… there was a time I was so excited to just praise, it was a pleasure, not a chore. My fun time with the one who loves me. Just me dancing, and causing a racket when the world was asleep. 

There was a time I would spend more time studying the word deeply, spread out before me, my three favorite translations: the message, new living translation and the amplified bible. I would spend time listening to all the podcasts and cds of my favorite people preach… there was a time I would do the whole February fasting with Redeemed church, even if i panicked at the thought, i also stood strong. I loved to go to camp... I didn't mind the stress. There was a time this relationship was folded up in that special suitcase.

But like my new dresses, something changed with time, something wore out, and as much as I maintain this relationship, I don’t do those little things that made it so special. I hardly ever dance in the deep of the night anymore, I still stay awake in the midnight hour and pray, then I move on to other things. 
That thought jolted me back, and I scrambled to the wardrobe with the ordinary things to fish out those special feelings and place them back in the suitcase where they belong. I danced this early morning, and it felt good. Just like old times. I felt fulfilled. I was a lover who just added some spark into her relationship.

Salvation has to be worked with trembling, like throwing wood on the embers of a fire and fanning it into flames daily to keep it burning, because if we allow it to die out, it’d be like that special dress that was so sacred but soon became a regular dress like the rest.

“The fire must be kept burning on the altar continuously; it must not go out.” Leviticus 6:13

I pray for grace, I need that extra passion back.

"I see what you've done, your hard, hard work, your refusal to quit. I know you can't stomach evil, that you weed out apostolic pretenders. I know your persistence, your courage in my cause that you never wear out.
"But you walked away from your first love-why? What's going on with you, anyway? Do you have any idea how far you've fallen? A Lucifer fall! "Turn back! Recover your dear early love. No time to waste, for I'm well on my way to removing your light from the golden circle.”… Revelation 2:2-5(msg)
I read this part of revelation after i had a nice time dancing. It felt like a direct but loving rebuke...
"I see what you've done, your hard, hard work, your refusal to quit. …… . I know your persistence, your courage in my cause that you never wear out. "But you walked away from your first love-why?”
It doesn’t mean I am back to my old ways or that i hate God, it just means that the little things and time spent is more important than my walk and work itself.  It means I am putting less important things way ahead of my intimacy. 

I'm running back to my first love...

6 comments :

  1. It happens to all christians at least once. It is our duty to fan the flame, just like married couples are meant to

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  2. RUN back we all must...that's where we are safe, and that's were everything makes sense!!!

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  3. Deep and touching

    Tamsdiary-livelife.blogspot.com

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  4. Beautiful post!!!
    lol yeah when i get something new, it's my baby for the 1st few weeks and after that, i dump it :(
    I feel like i have an off and on relationship with God, sometimes i pray and meditate on his words very often...and then, after a while, it grinds to a halt :(

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  5. Very stimulating post. So much in fact that it's hard for me to believe I'm reading on a blog, but it's a wonderful feeling knowing that such inspiration still exists within the blogosphere. I love your writing. So passionate and compassionate in such a convicted way. I know my blog isn't of the exact same spirit, at times it isn't. But just know that I appreciate your efforts and your words resonate within my spirit.

    You are convicted.

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  6. The exact decision I made @ 12 midnight. Deliberately, with trembling, I am going back to my "first love!"......Thank God for His Spirit in me, that will cause me to "walk in His statutes and keep His judgements, and do them" (Ezekiel 36:27 KJV)

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