who am i?

"I write for the unlearned about things in which I am unlearned myself." - CS Lewis, Reflections on the Psalms

Sunday, January 20, 2008

finding my religion...finding my man...finding myself!

i love asking myself questions,especially when i know they're rethorical or senseless. today i got myself asking 'am i really loosing my religion?' Yes, i am...somewhere, somehow i lost it all. loosing my religion is a two faced sentence, it could be the issue of my christianity, trying to figure out the supreme and being a little wobbly in my faith and belief... now i love to say i left the church in my quest to find God, but i've realised its just a cunnin excuse for my very visible absence from church...
went to redeemed church, the city of david parish today, pastor adeboye was in attendance and i felt so refreshed and fufilled listening to him speak about new beginings and God making ways where there seems to be no way. an added bonus, the pastor asked us to mingle after church, all the cute guys and girls, meet, pick yourself a husband, twas like a free garage sale, but thats if you dare pick anything...lol'. walked to the car and headed home,i sure wasnt in the mingling mood, altho there were certainly a couple i met gazes with, thank God non of the familair eyes from friday night was there. i'm definately coming back to church, primary and secondary reasons, to find my religion plus the spicy bonus of finding...em...no i think i'll put it the other way, my man finding me...

on the other hand it means loosing myself, my sense of right and wrong, my vision of good and evil, loosing the meaning of what my life stands for and my beliefs. When did this happen to me? when did my twenty something year old heart stop beating right? when did i loose my religion?. Was i trying to find myself when it happened? or was i running away from myself? I've tried to figure it all out where it all started going wrong from... i bet if i spend money on a hundred dollar an hour shrink he'd tell me i hate who i've become because i was running away from who i might have been and thus lost my true sense of who i really am.... see, i could pay myself nothing to tell me everybit of junk a shrink will fill my head with. or maybe i lost myself in the fight or flight response situation. maybe most times i felt i was strong enough to handle everything, to fight but i just couldnt win and other times i chose to flee, afraid to stay and fight thus making the wrong choices by fleeing in the wrong direction. whatever it be, i'm just so desperate to find my religon, to find myself, to hike through life in the right path, to understand what everything about me is about rather than being constantly on auto drive, to fight and conquer depression and uncertainty, to be able to be me truly and wholly....

31 comments :

  1. This are the same issues i struggle with everyday, tryna find myself, my religion and so on. I go to church every sunday and dont understand what i do there, i don't even pray cos i dont know what exactly to tell God so i just stare in space while others pray.
    About men, i may be very desperate today for a man and then feel hatred for them the next day for no reason in particular. Let me stop spilling ma issues here.
    Thanks for stopping by my blog hun
    Take care and i hope ur man finds you lol.

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  2. I hope the man finds you. I have always wondered why there are so many single men looking for wives and so many single women looking for wives too in the same church? why is it becoming more and more difficult to find a spouse?

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  3. desperate lady
    girl, u're getting so good hitting first spot, i need tips from u...

    i guess our time would come soon enough, u know the time when we get to find ourselves..
    my man would definately find me, and urs will too, u'll definately love him all the way through when he shows.

    for the love of me
    preach on sister!!! OMGosh, everyones got such high expectations it clouds the sense of sensibility.
    thanks for stopping ova.

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  4. Reading this is almost like reading something i would write.
    Finding urself is one hard thing to do. Hopefully u would find the rite man soon....(lets not even talk about men)
    let me go b4 i start ranting as usual

    xxx

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  5. shrinks mainly get paid to listen

    that's why i'm tryna teach the guys to listen more

    so the women can save their money lol

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  6. LOL out James Tubman!!!
    We all search. Keep searching, but don't forget, we do not always get the answers we are looking for.

    Happy new year!!!

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  7. I agree with girlie, this is definitely something I would write as well.

    I haven't been to church in yunks and I keep bumping into my Pastor and everytime he says "Hengish, I wouldn't hold you to your poor attendance".

    Each time I feel guilty.

    The main thing is maybe this phase of being constantly on auto drive is also part of yourself.

    Maybe you are supposed to feel this way so when you are able to be truly and wholly you'll be able to recognize it.

    I think as humans being content in ourselves is such a foreign thing.

    We generally strive to be more in every sense of the word but when we have a stationary spell we think our identity is missing.

    I don't even know if I am making sense.

    Will come back when I have really thought this through.

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  8. Hmmm, I read your post the first time and thot I understood, then I read it again and didn't totally understand. Yet I catch your drift.
    Religion will always be religion as long as it is religion. In my opinion that means hard, confusing, trying to do what is right and failing and repeating the cycle over and over again for life. All to what end? To connect with God.
    I struggled with that for a time, left church for a year and sowed some wild oats of my own until I realized that I didn't want religion anymore, I wanted a relationship with God. And that's what I have now. A relationship. It's sweeter, easier and more fulfilling. I am no longer such a spiritual robot going through the motions of church religion because I have to. I'm gaining more light everyday tho...

    Anyhow, I know for a fact that when people start asking of themselves questions like you're now, they're most definitely unto something.

    Saw yr pic at the blogger's parry on princesa's blog and knew immediately which one you were. With your looks that man finding you shouldn't be hard work at all.

    Takia gurl!

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  9. *cough* *cough* (old man's cough)
    My daughter, the first question is: What do you want?

    If you can articulately answer this then a special something would be waiting for you at your doorstep *wink*

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  10. welcome to my world....dont even know where I belong anymore...

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  11. lol@ james. like afro said i dont know where i belong. me thinks the older i get the more i stray from he norms i was brouht up wit.

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  12. Dont worry girl, just focus and you will find you. On the man finding you... I have many many good people looking for fine wife o so i can chanel them your way (lol). No be you, soon the story will change. You be aight!

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  13. hmmmm,

    may this year bring you and us all to our dreams, its all i can say since its all this is about.


    do take kare dear

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  14. hmmmm,

    may this year bring you and us all to our dreams, its all i can say since its all this is about.


    do take kare dear

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  15. @girlie
    rant on dear...we always gots loads to say when it comes to self and men.

    @JT..now i'm falling in love with ur way of reasoning...preach to em' fellas bro...,meanwhile,got any comfty couch i could lay myself on and just talk myself away? holla

    @stuck in my throat o..now thats some mean reality, not always getting the ans to our whys and hows and whats!
    happy new year to u too babe.

    @hengish...thats the beauty of blogville, reading a strangers blog and finding she feels the same way as u do...makes u smug with satisfation, at least u're not alone, u're not weird...lol'

    u make sense, especially where u say 'we try to be more in every sense of the word'... so much sense, and maybe that truly is what takes us to that place of thinking we've really lost ourselves.

    okay, now i feel i'm not making sense..

    @ejura... so u feel u know which one was me?...lol',thanks for the compliments, but i'm curious to know if u're right.

    the idea of religion is such a fragile one, that we sometimes are easily confused when we try to figure it out, from the various churches and their various doctrines, they all just live u confused, trying to figure out whats right and whats wrong, and we find ourselves tossing and turning in different ideas of truth by this churches. i love that you say, a relationship with God. basically, thats the key to the genuine right/wrong, thus finding self.
    it seems like the easiest step to take, cos it really is, but its so damn difficult to remain steadfast.

    @unnaked soul...drink a lil' water good sir.
    what i want, i cant figure...of course theres the millions of pounds in a swiss account, the rest i'm not sure.

    is that wink genuine or wicked?

    afrobabe... we berra find ourselves as fast as we can before someone else does.

    @anonymous gal... isnt it supposed to be the other way round...lol'.

    supergirl...send them my way jare, hope they have super powers like ur superman does?

    @ms emmotions... thats a big desperate AMEN from me.
    thanks dear

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  16. You need to find yourself and your 'religion', for the right man to find you, else you'll settle for less than you truly deserve. And I agree with ejura. You don't want religion, you need a relationship wit God. Think about it.
    All the best dear.

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  17. I agree with TJ, yo thats my dude right there....I use the same techniques n it works
    but girl take advise frm our own words

    "it means loosing myself, my sense of right and wrong, my vision of good and evil"
    loose ur self

    loosing the meaning of what my life stands for and my beliefs

    well that part is up to you.lol

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  18. Everytime i say " In jesus Name" i expect to be struck by lightning...

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  19. I hope you find God and him...am on the search path too.
    Cheers babe.

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  20. The lord will order your steps

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  21. FQ, can't wait to read your post about how you found God and how "he" found you. Really, I can't wait!

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  22. @niaja chikito...the two go hand in hand yeah?it sounds so easy but its truly stiffening. thanks girl

    @DoG...awww man, u put ur ears down like TJ do?
    thats so cool.
    maybe thats what i really need, someone to listen. one i can talk to without holding back.

    its really up to me aint it?..its so pathetic, that its all withi my grasp but i cant grasp it. like my niece would say, thats so yucky.

    carlang...lol' at u man. i'll be saying a prayer for you whenever i hear lightning strike.

    @princessa...thanks babe. i hope we all find what we're looking for.

    @olamild...thankyou sweety.

    @andy...thats so sweet, i'm all teary now. thanks.

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  23. babe,
    God and religion are not one and the same

    God sets u free while religion holds u bound

    as for finding God, he's as close as the breath u take (He's not lost. u know?)

    u just need to yield to Him

    btw,ur writing style is refreshing.

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  24. hope you find them: God and your man, but why did you run from the garage sale? maybe ur man was there, lol!

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  25. @sherri...thanks babe.
    and piont well taken....

    @bumight...a free agarage sale, aint scary to u? dang girl, a free garage sale feels like its just the rejected and unwanted that's for free...lol'

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  26. Ahh..
    You praying for me.
    A very noble gesture.
    lol.

    God bless dear. DOnt fear. God has the entire world in his hands. Meaning no matter how far you run, No matter where...
    You're still near.

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  27. hmmmm...

    i could be your shrink...
    good listener reporting:)

    it'll come to you.
    patience...

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  28. @carlang...awww, thanks sug, thats so comforting.

    @toochi...
    good listener...kudos on that. imma hunt u down and wear u out with my talks.

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  29. You know that once you know God, and you run away, it will always feel the void.

    I pray you find him

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