who am i?

"I write for the unlearned about things in which I am unlearned myself." - CS Lewis, Reflections on the Psalms

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

For colored girls who have considered suicide/ when the rainbow is enuf

Ntozake Shange's choreopoem inspired this post, many people went crazy over valentine just a few days ago, of course to most it wasn't about love itself, twas about what their facade/displaced reality of love could afford...a pair of designer shoes, perfumes... Diamond jewelry or expensive dinners....but love is so much deeper than that, even a novice like me would know.

Without any assistance or guidance from you,
I have loved you assiduously for 8 months, 2 weeks, and a day. I been stood up 4 times, left 7 packages on your doorstep, 40 poems, 2 plants, 3 handmade notecards,
and I had to leave town to send them.
You call at 3 am in the morning on weekdays... charming, charming!
But you have been of NO assistance! I want you to know that this has been an experiment...
to see how selfish I could be.
To see if I could really carry on to snare a possible lover.
To see if I was capable of debasing myself for the love of another.
To see if I could stand not being wanted when I want to be wanted and I can not,
so without any further guidance or assistance from you,
I am ending this affair!
this note is attached to a plant i've been waterin since the day i met you
you may water it yr damn self



How many women are brave enough to walk out on relationships that just take and take and take and leave them with nothing?
I know a couple of girls who just spend resources and every last shred of dignity they have on boys that don't care about them.
How many need to be forced out of the life support that ironically just drains their substance away, rather than pump joy into them. A support that takes away the life of their soul, the light in their eyes, the softness in their smiles....
Its not fair that they feel so worthless, that they let themselves remain in a lifeless circle, just because they're scared, afraid they'll end up alone all their life. Afraid they'll fall if they ever attempt to walk away.

Is it right that some see love as this passion that only drains, while others see it as the life filler, the essence of their existence, the joy of their soul, the reason for laughter?
One woman exhales in pain at the realization that love hurts, and another inhales and fills her lungs up with the freshness and satisfaction of the joy of loving and being loved in return...

'poem is my thank-you for music
i love you more than poem
more than aureliano buendia loved macondo
more than hector lavoe loved himself
more than the lady loved gardenias
more than celia loves cuba or graciela loves el son
more than the flamingoes shoo-do-n-doo-wah love bein pretty
oyeè neégro'


*sigh*

Why is it so hard to define what your love is, and stand by it even if it kills you? It'll save you a lot of drama. Why compromise, just because you don't have faith enough to believe that you'll get what you want... what you need?

LADY IN YELLOW my love is too delicate to have thrown back on my face
LADY IN BROWN  my love is too beautiful to have thrown back on my face
LADY IN PURPLE  my love is too sanctified to have thrown back on my face
LADY IN BLUE  my love is too magic to have thrown back on my face
LADY IN ORANGE  my love is too saturday nite to have thrown back on my face
LADY IN RED  my love is too complicated to have thrown back on my face
LADY IN GREEN  my love is too music to have thrown back on my face"


LADY ELDORADO "my love is too pure to have thrown back on my face...."

And that's why I pray for the grace to wait till i find the right one to love perfectly in my imperfection. The one who I would open my bible and read 1 Corinthians 13:4
"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud, or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance...." And sigh in satisfaction "that love that it speaks of is all mine."
A man who will '...set me as a seal upon his heart...' Song of Solomon 8:6
The worlds definition of love in these days is quite scary. Nothing seems to last anymore, its like a rare artifact, picked and discarded at will.

While i patiently/impatiently wait, I refuse to fall prey to the deceit of life and love dressed up in trendy clothes, fat wallets, spotless faces and nice spot cars.... I haven't waited this long to fall for the one who would make me miserable and say sorry all the time...

‘i don't know how she got yr number baby, i'm sorry‘ 

‘o baby, ya know i waz high, i'm sorry’

‘i'm only human, and inadequacy is what makes us human, & if we was perfect we wdnt have nothin to strive for, so you might as well go on and forgive me pretty baby, cause i'm sorry’
‘shut up bitch, i told you i waz sorry’

‘i do ya like i do ya cause i thot ya could take it, now i'm sorry’

‘now i know that ya know i love ya, but i aint ever
gonna love ya like ya want me to love ya, i'm sorry’
Sorry just doesn't have a place in my life.

For those of you who have attempted to commit suicide, murder your souls when you lost hope, there's still hope for a love that thrives, marriage that lasts, a heart that smiles, and joy that overwhelms. Despite what you've been through, what you've heard and seen around you, despite the heartbreaks and tears, don't give up just yet. Soon you'll have someone you love writing this to you...

I want to write a simple love poem
But I don't know how to
I want to tell
The reason I fell
So madly in love with you.....
Ozaveshe

x

****poems are from the book :for colored girls who considered suicide/when the rainbow is enuf.

8 comments :

  1. WOW! that's all I can say!
    My love is too true to have thrown in my face!

    ReplyDelete
  2. @nolimit... Too true. #ilike
    @ibiluv... Yeah the movies good, but I hear the plays better.

    ReplyDelete
  3. The moment a woman can get to the point of being able to reject her love thrown in her face, that is when she has started loving herself...

    ReplyDelete
  4. wow..that was beautiful...some very DEEP words.

    She's like a powerful defender of womens rights, equiping us to defend ourselves from fake love.

    One thing tho, don't want to sound pessimist but what if you never actually find the love that thrives and a marriage that lasts?? i guess the message is not to be driven by the fear of that happening

    In the end, the only perfect love is in God

    At the end of the day

    ReplyDelete
  5. I won't commit suicide for love but I am looking for love.

    I wan marry oh! make una help me.

    ReplyDelete
  6. @Rita true that.

    @dammie.. she touches issues from abuse, to rape and everything, its more like the v-monologues
    yeah, at the end, the only perfect love is Gods, but we just keep praying and hoping that we find a love thats imperfectly perfect for us

    @thirtishsingle lol dont we all?

    ReplyDelete

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