who am i?

"I write for the unlearned about things in which I am unlearned myself." - CS Lewis, Reflections on the Psalms

Thursday, December 8, 2011

The dinner date...

I was in the midst of a crowd... I was absorbed in thought, my eyes watered every now and then. Not even the music and enthusiasm of the half dressed ladies bumping and grinding could shake me. They just reminded me of the fact that I wasn't meant to be there, my skin was crawling... and so i punched furiously on my blackberry, and tried to pray in my head, that didn't work, i imagined God looking down at me with disappointment. How in the world could i have sat in this environment at one time and looked at it as normal.

I learnt a great lesson that night... Listen to the still small voice even when you're desperate to do what it warns you against, it knows what it says. It knows the drama it's saving you from. It's left to you to listen... saves you from a lot of trouble.

I remember how i was invited to some event at De Marquee a while ago, i was excited to go because i had become a social vegetable. A little dust me up wouldn't hurt nobody shei?
So it didn't sound bad... it wasn't a party per se, or so i told myself. I looked through my 'been a while since i wore' outfits and settled on a Deola Sagoe piece, matched it up and a diva was created.
But i felt uneasy as i went through my dress rehearsal. I tried to ignore the feeling of 'you shouldn't go' as i prepared for the next night.
Eventually caved in to the nag about going and put the outfit away. The kind of peace i felt when i told myself i wasn't going anymore was beyond me. It's those little feelings you listen to. I wasn't meant to be there after all. Like i wasn't meant to be out on this night.

This night that i found myself choking on the atmosphere. I refused to listen to the voice, i fought off the tiny voice that told me to just forget about it, even as my ride was running late. I ignored the feeling that tugged at me, you know that feeling when somethings trying to tell you to stop... i ignored it when i checked my lipstick in the mirror, i ignored it when i brushed my hair one last time, i ignored it when i did my pouts and took myself pictures on my phone while i waited for the car. I ignored it because it was a friday night, and my friends and i were heading out to have good food... not to a club or a party, just a date night with the ladies. (The voice told me it would be fun if i go to nandos instead, and see a movie after that, by myself, spend some time alone. The voice sounded crazy for saying that, why go alone when i could go somewhere nicer with 'friends'.)
Sometimes i am a junkie when it comes to food. It's beyond reason, i get the shakes... seriously.
You should see me when i crave a Mcdonalds' and i can't get it at that moment... not a nice sight.
So, what is it with women and getting in trouble because of food? Didn't Eve get had because of food? a little red juicy apple?

Well I got the food.
It wasn't worth it. My brain had over-hyped the need to eat out. That's what it does, tells you how bad you need something, and the moment you get it and realize how it's not worth it, Ms brain looks lost and shrugs, 'why so mad' when you give her the eye.
The restaurant happened to be a sort of club on friday nights. I didn't know that.
I was still out at 2am. Last time i was out beyond 12midnight was the church's vigil...
I kinda felt violated. Why did they have to bring me here? I was on the verge of mad crazy.
I couldn't wait for the girls to STOP and take me home, but of course that would be till they had sipped every bit of fun from the place. A cab would have cost me about 70quid that i didn't have on me. This wasn't the fun i envisioned. My night was to be food, girl talk and home in two hours. Not food, hang around and dance the night away.

I got people coming over offering to buy champagne, and all i could do was seat there amazed, i totally forgot how the system worked in this world. Flash the bubbly, get her number or more if you're lucky. It gets a little heady, you start to feel good with yourself when you notice the attention you get, you almost forget what you're about. But thank God 'almost' doesn't mean you actually forget.
It wasn't hard for them to see how unimpressed i was with their offers.
Maybe i should have offered them salvation in exchange for their champagne? Now that would have been something. Me in red lipstick moving from person to person, and offering them Jesus for free while they boogied.
(And have you noticed how clubs play Christian songs in their mix? like seriously? One minute they were dancing to 'sex, booty, drugs' and next doing the church sort of dance to 'igwe'. I laugh in korean)
It was a long night indeed, and i couldn't say "Thank you Jesus" enough when it was time to go home. All i could think of was 'never again, i should have listened to the voice that told me to chill on my own.

As much as i didn't go there to party, this feeling of guilt came over me, i felt like i had spent the night clubbing. I eventually realized it was an attack on my faith, something i had to go through to teach me a lesson on grace and Christianity. Yes i sat through the music and watched people dance and all, yes i didn't participate but i don't know... all i know is i couldn't pray the next day. I just felt so cut off from God. I was brooding about my night for so long that you would think i was jumping on tables and dancing with a bottle of champagne in my hands all night. Then it hit me, the only reason i felt that way was because that's what the devil wanted... to cut my line of communication with God, feel like i'm far away from him, and the more i beat myself about not listening to the spirit going out when i was advised not to, the more i would try hiding from God, and with time, I'd keep drifting away from him in my state of non-issue guilt. Till i find myself truly cut off from him. That got me over the night fast enough.
All because of food fa? i had to go through that torture.

I think most Christians go through this, sometimes we fail, we are less than perfect in our walk with God, and so we run away with the shame of it all. We refuse to face him like Adam, we hide behind the leaves and hide from God, we refuse to pray so we don't have to face him. We forget his grace is sufficient.
The devils victory is not in his getting you to fall into sin, it's in his making you believe there's no use getting up again. 'After all, you fell last week and you're back on the floor again after asking for forgiveness, God wouldn't listen anymore' he makes you believe. That's the mindset many have, and so they drift away from grace that is readily available for them if only they ask. Show yourself naked and ask to be covered again with grace. "The godly may trip seven times, but they will get up again. But one disaster is enough to overthrow the wicked." proverbs 24:16 Don't let that one disaster get you lying on the floor like a piece of thrash.

As much as i try to limit and screen the friends i hang out with, i kind of judged this one night situation wrong. We were to go out for a lunch date next, i quickly declined. Not even the restaurant they chose and the food i could have had could tempt me to go out with them anymore... The fear of food is the beginning of wisdom indeed.
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