who am i?

"I write for the unlearned about things in which I am unlearned myself." - CS Lewis, Reflections on the Psalms

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

The look...

You know that look? the one we(especially Nigerians) put up when we want to express deep gut wrenching sorrow, especially to a bereaved person? or when we just hear horrible news?
I hate it!!!! I do it, most people i know do it, it's such a dramatic look, even when it's nothing close to the way my friends mum expresses hers(now her's is on another level)
I hate the look, i despise the look. But i despise it more when it's not there... when the expression is lost on your face... Hidden from me.
something like this.
I gave the look a few days ago. I couldn't control it... i tried to, i couldn't.

It wasn't there when i stared at dad's body on the morgue gurney... i wasn't sorry for him or for me or for anyone. I was numb... i had the other look, the one i despise more, the one that is expressionless. I touched his cold hard face... i wanted to wash my hands immediately. That was all i could think of doing, not contorting my face in pain and sorrow... even when i choked on tears, all i could think of was washing my hands. I wanted to be bent over in pain and wailing and have people hold me... But all i could manage was something like this...

I didn't have the look when i walked to granddads bedside, a few seconds after he died. It wasn't there when i watched Ladi, moms cousin close his mouth that hung open or when the nurses came in to cover him up. I had the despised look, the blank one. But looking at pictures of both funerals, i realized the look come out at the gravesides.

You see, the look disappears when i need it most and then it appears when i have no business expressing it. Like seating beside this stranger that is my friend and trying to say sorry for his loss, a loss of a few months ago. I felt stupid displaying all that emotion, i felt like i was making him uncomfortable and opening up old wounds, i needed a new look, somewhere between the contorted and the expressionless, i couldn't find any, and so i tried to laugh it off, and crack jokes. It didn't help. I said the wrong things... i ended up driving off feeling like a fool.

I am grateful for life, mine and my family's. I have a good look for that, my face softens, my eyes moistens and my smile gives such a glow to my face. It's not contorted, it's molded into a beautiful masterpiece. God is so good, and i don't want to ever loose the look of satisfaction when it comes to family. That's the only look i care for right now.

10 comments:

  1. WOW! Very captivating from beginning to the end.
    I know that look - the look of gratitude that tells we're just thankful. I tell you, I prefer that to the former you illustrated.

    - LDP

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    Replies
    1. That's a look i pray to have forever...

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  2. ALways excellent, your writing. Thumbs up ma'am!!!

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  3. Babe, babe! Well written, God bless your heart

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  4. nice blog :)
    i will follow you.

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  5. Aww.. this is good. This is really good.

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  6. I know exactly what you mean!! I've had it once and I NEVER WANT TO HAVE IT AGAIN!!!!!!!!

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