The look...

You know that look? the one we(especially Nigerians) put up when we want to express deep gut wrenching sorrow, especially to a bereaved person? or when we just hear horrible news?
I hate it!!!! I do it, most people i know do it, it's such a dramatic look, even when it's nothing close to the way my friends mum expresses hers(now her's is on another level)
I hate the look, i despise the look. But i despise it more when it's not there... when the expression is lost on your face... Hidden from me.

something like this.

I gave the look a few days ago. I couldn't control it... i tried to, i couldn't.

It wasn't there when i stared at dad's body on the morgue gurney... i wasn't sorry for him or for me or for anyone. I was numb... i had the other look, the one i despise more, the one that is expressionless. I touched his cold hard face... i wanted to wash my hands immediately. That was all i could think of doing, not contorting my face in pain and sorrow... even when i choked on tears, all i could think of was washing my hands. I wanted to be bent over in pain and wailing and have people hold me... But all i could manage was something like this...

I didn't have the look when i walked to granddads bedside, a few seconds after he died. It wasn't there when i watched Ladi, moms cousin close his mouth that hung open or when the nurses came in to cover him up. I had the despised look, the blank one. But looking at pictures of both funerals, i realized the look come out at the gravesides.

You see, the look disappears when i need it most and then it appears when i have no business expressing it. Like seating beside this stranger that is my friend and trying to say sorry for his loss, a loss of a few months ago. I felt stupid displaying all that emotion, i felt like i was making him uncomfortable and opening up old wounds, i needed a new look, somewhere between the contorted and the expressionless, i couldn't find any, and so i tried to laugh it off, and crack jokes. It didn't help. I said the wrong things... i ended up driving off feeling like a fool.

I am grateful for life, mine and my family's. I have a good look for that, my face softens, my eyes moistens and my smile gives such a glow to my face. It's not contorted, it's molded into a beautiful masterpiece. God is so good, and i don't want to ever loose the look of satisfaction when it comes to family. That's the only look i care for right now.