who am i?

"I write for the unlearned about things in which I am unlearned myself." - CS Lewis, Reflections on the Psalms

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

On Pains, Pools and Hope....


I’ve had this sensation since I was child, probably since I was three. It’s gotten worse over the years. And now? My goodness, you don’t want to go through what I deal with everyday. I live in pain, but in the midst of the pain, I have found grace to live and hope and trust, knowing that my healing will come. Sometimes, it gets too much talking about it, like you’re looking for self pity, especially as no one really understands, and the more people feel sorry for you, the more painful it gets. So I choose to stay away from self-pity, I choose to reject the sympathy; I choose to look on to God for my healing.

Sometimes I want to pause in the middle of whatever I’m doing; sleeping, tv, anything that gives me enough space to feel the pain. And I want to cry in frustration, but I don’t.
So what happens, when almost every time I go to church, there’s a great testimony from the same service I worshiped at? The same service I felt the spirit of God move so strongly, the same service that the power of the anointing threw me to my knees?
Testimonies of healing from diabetes, cancer, growths and all sorts… the lame walking, the deaf hearing, and the blind seeing. I have seen it all, and through it all, I have never stopped hoping that I have arrived at that point where my healing will be perfected. Where there’s no pain in my leg or my arms and my neck, where my joints are not hurting so much that I smile to shut the pain up.

I leave church still hurting, and sometimes with a taunting from the devil… an increase in the discomfort, like he's saying “does that feel like healing to you lady? Smell the coffee”.
Does it mean I’m bitter at God for not healing me? No, I know He will, and I know His name will be glorified through this. Does it discourage me from going to church or expecting healing from another service? Does it discourage me from taking the communion that is a reminder that through Christ broken body I have been made whole? Does the lack of immediate results make me doubt? No!!! I know He loves me fiercely.

It reminds me of the man at the pool of Bethesda. Lets liken that pool to the church, after all Bethesda means ‘pool of mercy’. He went to the 'house of Mercy' church for thirty-eight years. He hoped for a miracle, although he was clueless as to how to get it. It was quite dramatic, that an angel would stir the water and the first person in would be healed, meaning people got healed all those years he waited, and it never was him.
There was a one in a hundred chance that he would be that person, but he still waited, probably went there everyday, or lived there. Hope was his lifestyle, maybe because he had no other choice, it doesn’t matter what drove him to hope, what’s important is that he did, and he remained by the pool with hundreds of others, hoping.

It was very easy to miss the blessing Jesus brought to him. I mean, healing was about the dramatic of the bubbling of the water after the angel's stir. But Jesus came to Him, and gave a simple instruction, “pick up your mat and go.” One less complicated than jumping into the pool. Less complicated than people falling in church, the pastor laying his hands, or the fasting and praying. It's easy to miss that gentle touch because we're looking at the bubbling water.
The lame man got his healing ONE-DAY. If he decided to never be at the pool after all those years because he never had a chance to get into the water, he would have missed Jesus. Just like that. It took him thirty-eight years, but when he's day came, it was special. How? While the angel brought the healing for the pool, God came and healed Him personally, there was a transformation beyond mere healing in his life, Jesus even gave him a golden instruction. (John 5)

I don’t care how long it takes; I’ll praise him in my pain. I will continue to go to his house and worship him… His hand isn’t too short to heal. What is HMS to the mighty power of God’s healing touch? I will wait on him and hope in him…
Though he slay me?... I will get my praise on!!!! My healing isn’t dependent on my service and neither is my service dependent on my healing. I'm all in.

I wrote this a couple of days ago, and soon after, I got the devotion for the day from this daily devotion group i belong to called  'convo on devo' where we share devotions and discuss… I knew it was a message for me, there is no coincidence with God. The writer of the devo talked about having fibromyalgia, the symptoms of which mirrors HMS and has been linked to it as well..

Whatever you’re waiting on God for, healing, a breakthrough or whatever… keep waiting. I’ve waited 20+ years and I’m not about to give up on Him, the man at the pool waited thirty- eight years, God wasn't late, He showed up at the right time. Enjoy the devotional and be blessed.

I’m sorry if it’s been a lenghty read for you, but I feel someone needs to read this.

What It Takes to Struggle with Something Hard

By Rachel Olsen

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us." Romans 8:37 (NIV)

Beginning in my twenties, I wrestled each day with chronic pain and fatigue. The first few years of it, doctors had no idea why.
Then came the diagnosis: fibromyalgia.
I was told this condition was poorly understood, not very treatable, and also not reversible. In fact, they called it "degenerative," meaning it would worsen as I aged. In short, doctors said I had no chance to conquer this pain.

The pain worsened for a couple years and I couldn't image what my life would be like five, ten or fifty years down the road. I prayed for deliverance.

Looking back I'm astonished that despite my pain, I continued to work a full time job and take courses for a master's degree. I really don't know how I did that-except through Christ-because it was such a struggle daily. To concentrate on my work or schoolwork took an inordinate amount of effort because I had to focus over top of the ever-present pain in the foreground. Not to mention, a lack of quality sleep.

Fibromyalgia was the thorn in my side, quite literally. And I leaned into God for strength. Often through tears.

A long-distance friend wrote me this week to tell me she was experiencing a near debilitating condition: fibromyalgia. She gave me permission to share a portion of what she wrote:

"Life has thrown me some pretty horrible punches and I have always gotten right back up. Except now. And to be honest with you, Rach, this is NOT a LIFE! And I can't BELIEVE that GOD would do this to me ... why isn't He healing me? All He has to do is say the word! I BEG Him to do that daily. While He keeps His mouth shut [on the healing] He did give me Psalm 88 the other night, and I cried a river. I was jumping for joy in my heart, but at the same time. Do you know what I mean?"

I did know what she meant. So I told her my story. I told her that I walked this painful path too. I gave her my best tips for physically managing this condition. I told her how I tried to do all the right things according to my doctors. How I prayed, and prayed, and prayed for healing-sometimes out of faith and sometimes out of desperation.

I told her how, seven years after my pain began, I was walking by a lake one day praying yet again for deliverance from this. And while I had often sensed God heard my prayers, this time I sensed He also answered. I sensed deliverance.

Year-eight saw me pain free from fibromyalgia-the incurable, degenerative condition doctors don't totally understand. My condition stopped degenerating that evening by the lake and instead began improving.

So in honesty and with compassion I told my friend:

"Will God heal you soon? I don't know."
"His ways are higher than our ideas of how things should go. But I can tell you this: It is possible. He hears your prayers and He is not indifferent to your plight. God loves you. Above all, don't equate your suffering with how God feels about you."

Because despite all this stuff we're struggling with, victory is ours through Christ who loves us.

I don't know what your story is today-what you are struggling with or against. But I know this: God knows your situation and He is not indifferent toward it or you. He loves you mightily! And His right arm is not too short to save you.

So lean into Him because you need His strength until His deliverance comes.
Lean in, pray and persevere despite the pain you are in. And keep hope alive in your heart. For this is how we struggle with something hard while holding the title "More than Conquerors in Christ." In Him overwhelming victory is ours.

Prayer: Dear Lord, thank You for rescuing me from all my troubles-either here and now, or in eternity. Strengthen me until your deliverance is seen. I believe victory is overwhelmingly mine through You. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Reflect and Respond:
Study and take heart today in the truth from Romans 8:18: "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." (NIV)

Power Verses:
Romans 8:22-25, "We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." (NIV)

16 comments:

  1. Same here, thank you. Your blog has been really inspiring.

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  2. Gosh. I needed this!!! Thank you. Your blog inspires me.

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    1. Thank You Lohi... yours inspires me as well... to be a better cook :D

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  3. Thanks for this post. I am blessed

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  4. Your blog is a source of inspiration. I draw strength from your posts, they inspire me not to despair.

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    1. Thank God for using the foolish things. It'll be well again, whatever it is you're going through *hugs*

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  5. Thank you everyone. I'm glad it makes sense to you.

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  6. Your posts always leave me speechless and in awe of God as you help me look at him from a new perspective each time. May God heal us all of whatever "issues" weighing heavily on us.

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  7. I admire you're faith... I've been waiting for healing of asthma for 20+ years as well.. Thank you

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    1. Oh, the healing will come. God is that faithful as long as we trust.

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  8. "don't equate your suffering with how God feels about you" is the best thing i've heard in a while. I will keep you in my prayers, God bless you for sharing

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  9. I have not been here in a while but today was the perfect day to come here. The full stop to my thread of thoughts today. The icing on the cake of the blog I just posted. *hugging you FQ*

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  10. Thanks. just what I needed this week.

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  11. I'm glad to see many lifted and inspired by this message, finding strength to hold on and believe. It's evidence of the continued work of the Holy Spirit through you Inyamu...Glory to God.

    However I thought that there would be at least one person who would see beyond their own personal challenges and needs to offer a word of encouragement to this blogger, seeing the pain and battle of faith that she's had to deal with through these years.

    In as much as you inspire us using your everyday life, I know you too at times need some motivation and encouragement to go on...

    Please think on these:

    1. The sheer number of people, who read this and are encouraged through your trials is testimony that God's glory is been manifested through your delayed wait/healing and pains ... That is you are now a living Romans 8:18. Please do hold on strongly.

    2. As the lady with a similar condition testified after many years of wait to God's infallibility and faithfulness, providing that spark of light to your faith at that time, I am thoroughly convinced that I will one day come around to read a post here where you testify to the fact that you no longer feel any pain, I'm sure I will see your doctor's report showing that you have no HMS condition whatsoever to the amazement of the medical profession...I am totally convinced of this...and I know it's not far at all.

    Therefore you are also now a Romans 8:19-23...the whole creation awaits your manifestation and wow how glorious it will be! ... Please hold on.

    3. You have learnt and you keep learning how to lean entirely on God. Believe me that's the best thing that can happen to any Christian. That is the maturity and growth that God uses to do mighty works and things through His sons/daughters. Please tap in thoroughly to the anointing that is available to you through all this, seeking higher levels as you deny yourself and make yourself a living sacrifice, distinct and set apart.

    It is a treasure to know how to praise and glorify God through pain.

    Shortly He will show up and blow your mind entirely beyond what your faith could ever envision.

    I'm only saying this because I've witnessed Him do this in my own life. With your testimony here, God is eager to show the world His faithfulness, He's eager to show that any at all who gives their ALL to Him eventually gain more than they ever bargained...

    Rejoice Inyamu! Rejoice all over again! Rejoice greatly!


    I guess by now you know who's writing. We talk often and share the faith but you never get to share things like this with me. It mightn't be easy for you but I wish you would share more, because iron sharpens iron and and we are there to sharpen each other.

    Thanks for the cd, the dresses and stuff really looking good on us and we hope to see you soon perhaps if you'll come around in 2013.

    Bless up.

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