(I was invited to be part of the Woman on Fire series here… and I sent in this piece… Here’s the somewhat edited version. Felt like I had to share it here as well especially as it’s February and love is in the air)
That’s a term we’re not really pumped about. Especially when he’s everything a girl could dream of… tall, dark, handsome (if that’s your cup of tea) or short, light skinned and bald (we don’t judge in christianville) and in addition, rich, kind, sweet, selfless, funny, attentive, smells great, baritone voice… But! (Don’t we just hate the buts?) But he isn’t saved. And here comes 2 Corinthians 6:14(“Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness?”) banging against your head.
Well, but he’s better than some of these church boys. Have you met some saved boys? Some of them are everything but that… they are players, you argue, you pray… you cry, and you reason with the word, you tell the word why it’s wrong this time. It’s right in every other thing, but you’ve got to call it out on this, when it comes to the perfect man for you.
So what’s the grey area here? I don’t know. I know a saved lady like you and I who dated her unsaved boo, married him and got him saved, so saved he’s one of the top pastors around today. That gives me leverage to stand before the word. I could save him Lord. I really could. … But then I’ve heard of the saved lady marrying the nice sweet unsaved guy and having so much issues, because as some preachers put it, if he’s not saved, then the devil is your father in-law, and he’ll come visiting as often as he pleases. Because when those little issues come as they will, you’ll take your case to your father and he lets his own father counsel him…. Clash of the titans.
I wish I could advice ladies who bring this subject up, but the truth is, I don’t know what to say to them, especially when there are so many stories of the two scenarios mentioned, and even worse stories of how a saved Christian man messed them up. The saved guys and even pastors who beat their wives? And the unsaved ones who would rather cut themselves than raise an angry fist at their wives? Note, this stories are the exceptions; I have seen beautiful Christian marriages.
I have my personal conviction from the word.
Yes I do want to get married, and yes, I feel like my holding on to this word has caused me to in my human understanding loose some good men and delayed me, but in my super saved spiritual (yes halleluiah somebody, I’m that saved) mind gained a lot, because what I feel I missed out on is waiting for me multiplied in the right saved soul.
But lets get something clear… a Christian man is different from a saved man. Yes he’s a Christian, named Christian but is he saved? Has he always been going to church, or has he had a personal revelation of Christ? We’re talking beyond the surface Christianity here…. So yes, the surface Christian by birth falls into the unequally yoked category.
Being born again, I’ve turned down great friends, people who were the picture of what my mind painted… they were perfect, perfect to present to the world… but according to the word that says I am in the world but not of it, not perfect for me. It was hard… not stone hard, probably boiled egg hard to let go, and watch them forge a new life and get engaged to someone willing and not minding their spiritual life or lack of it.
We get to a place where we ask ourselves if our standard is too high… especially when people begin to question and act like they’re concerned and praying for you because your life is miserable in their eyes without a husband, why do they do that? I think most girls only get depressed about being single because of the comments of strangers. Don’t lower your standard because you want to be married and equally yoked. That’s also unequal, because you don’t go for the best you go for the available. Don’t let any religious talk or prophesy lure/force you into a marriage your heart isn’t sold out to.
One mistake I refuse to make is dating a Christian boy just because he is… The fact that he’s a Christian boy/man in your church doesn’t automatically make him perfect for you. I have been asked out by pastors, good-looking men of God, but no, I’m not so desperate for a Christian man that I jump at the next anointed brother who comes my way. Yes, he may lay hands on me and I stay slain for eternity under the power, and he may even walk on water, but does he make my heart beat? Does he make me laugh? Ok he does (a desperate girl would laugh at any word and her heart would beat rapidly in anticipation of him marrying her, maybe she easily translates this to true love) but are we compatible? Outside loving God together, outside church talks, are we looking at the same path for our future? Do we share same interests? Would he let me express myself outside him? I’m not so spiritual that I don’t come down to earth enough to notice if my heart doesn’t beat for him. No ma!
Christian ladies want to marry pastors and have been blinded by the anointing a man walks in, that they don’t let themselves see him outside the anointing, outside the charisma he eludes on stage/the altar, and so they say yes even before he considers asking, even before they get to know him, because every other single girl is after him… and then they see him for the first time outside the anointing when the thrill of the wedding is over, they see his humanity, they hear the man under the glory and they are horrified. They are left in unhappy but anointed marriages because they are not compatible, not friends, just ministry partners, and they come to church and everyone envies her for the catch she has in the pastor…. But she feels stuck in a marriage that is choking her. Some ladies chose to only see the stage lights; they don’t see the backstage, the part that God’s working on to perfect daily, the human part that is daily being transformed, the part that sulks and demands, the part that is flirty and basks in attention, the part that is sometimes selfish and controlling (and whatever other human flaws) etc. I’m only saying, if that’s your dream to marry an ordained minister of the gospel, then come down to earth and know that he is a man first, before he is anointed so you don’t get overly disappointed when you see the flaws. Look beyond the anointing.
Don’t be overly spiritual that you make the wrong choice or get into a marriage that you know in your heart is wrong for you. Don’t think God will be disappointed in you if you refuse to marry the pastor who likes you when your heart is drawn to the other saved guy without a church title. God loves you so much, and He’s more desperate than you are to give you the best man for you. The one that you’ll be willing to make up with after every fight, the one that you’ll know you’d rather be with than any other, even after his flaws have been laid bare before you. The one who will love you and cover you and make you his crown. This isn’t wishful religious talk. This is the truth, not the truth I’m making up to comfort you as you wait… yes it comforts me, but I know it’s so true.
Personally, I have decided to refuse to be unequally yoked. Both with the saved and unsaved. It looks like it cost me some things, or dragged me behind my mates… but life isn’t a competition. I stand here waiting, working in Gods vineyard knowing that He’s got me(Sister Ruth of Moab would testify to this). And I whistle (rejoice) while I wait. I own this truth and I’m blessed. Be brave and stand on this truth, even when you hurt, even when you break down and cry sometimes.