who am i?

"I write for the unlearned about things in which I am unlearned myself." - CS Lewis, Reflections on the Psalms

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Falling off the edge of reason...

(Get your popcorn out....long post alert)
I'm taking steps of faith, so bold it scares me.
With my life, with my job, with my emotions, with my spirituality.
I've heard Gods promises for me declared into my unhearing ears since ages ago.
The thing is i never sit still long enough to take it all in,
I know i'm special.
God has chased me around the room till he finally got a hold of me.
Its like a lovers dance, i run a few miles....let him catch me, embrace him a little and cut off. Now he is done playing games and so am i. I'm bond and chained to his promises.
You see i've been so stubborn, but he never let me go, that's how much a faithful lover he is.
I've read his word, like a lovers letter, holding it close to my heart and its talked about faith....thus i'm taking him by the hand and walking in faith towards perfection. When you try to put reason to his words, you get a lot of jargons, the best way to bask in it is to fall off the wagon of reason and just be stupid in him.
I'm leaving my job,its almost three years in and i'm bored already. do i have job offers? Well i had in d last quart of last year, but i'm not looking at finance world anymore, i've been scared of writing my resignation letter/notice, but i will as soon as i post this. I just voiced it out to my MD/COO, thus is unofficially official,a wave of fear hit me as i let it out, i've shed a couple of tears, reason tells me i'm crazy, the number of people who would kill to be where i am.but well i've fallen off the edge of reason, cos reason is too safe....i'd rather like to see it as
a step of faith.
I've got a couple of personal things going, i know a couple of places i could walk into and get the job i (don't)want/enjoy, but i'm holding on to God for directions, i need to do something my heart really wants.i don't know how he'll do it, but he'll do it, that's what faiths about and that's what reason isn't.
Its easy to feel like i have nothing to loose, because i really don't . I don't need a job, i mean the salary might sound okay, but that's not what i live on, nope...but then i wouldnt let myself get dragged that road of idleness, because having a job, waking up every morning and dressing up smart and rushing into the car in the mornings as annoying as it is sometimes gives me a sense of fulfillment. it means I'm doing something for myself,i'm all grown up and i love it.
I sold off all my shares in the primary market, i actually thought i was crazy as i lost 90% of my capital, its depressing to think about. Reason hit me in the head and gave me the silent treatment for days "girl, is you crazy?" It asked.
Reason had the right to do that. I fell off the edge of reason in doing that, more like a free fall, stupid but blood pumping, think sky diving, you could die, but you just don't care. i'd rather not look back at the loss....its a step of faith for better things to come, i've still got investments with some strong private companys(well i hope they're as strong as i think i know). It feels like airing my closet, throwing out the over due. I'll start afresh in playing the market. And i'll make such a kill again, better than i did in the boom time:)
I'm letting go of the person i think i actually LIKE, cos i don't need the drama, hes got a girlfriend or an ex girlfriend(i dont know anymore) and i deserve more than a man who wants to eat his cake and have it too. Thus i'm letting go. we've been good friends for a while now. I'm done with melting at the whining little boy saying "i want us to be more and i don't want to loose you" I wouldn't make him choose cos that'd be mean.(and maybe i'm scared he'd choose her:) cos trust me shes some hot mama jamma, i even have to prep talk myself anytime i meet her.), like seriously)
Reason tells me "girl you've got to be on crack, cos its so hard for you to actually like LIKE someone so much you honestly tell yourself its love, you've never felt this way with any other person....if you let go, you might never find that person to make you feel this way" reason wants me to fight (for sole ownership?), but like Michael says "I'm a lover not a fighter" well reason can rest for a bit. I'm taking a step of faith, knowing if he's mine, then surely we'll be, if not, then my faith will take me to the arms of someone else i'll love who'll love me back.
I thought it'd be easy to let him go since we're friends before anything else, but its so freaking hard, good thing i'm getting out this early or else i'd be a wreck walking the streets if given another minute with him.
I let some abtract things guide my emotions,like thinking that his loving me wholesomely was about him packing up and heading to UK to see me for a few days cos he couldn't bear a month without seeing me....loving me is more than showing machismo and hopping on planes,its about giving up everything for me without thinking twice cos you just cant bear to loose me.
Oh boy, he sure was sweet. But loving me isn't about how when i was in the hospital for some days some weeks back, he'd stop by on his way to work and seat with me and make me laugh and hold my hands and i'd feel like everything in the universe was just fine.
Or him preparing chicken for me cos i love chicken, or asking his cook to make special meals for me, or having me come out to dinner on a boys night out cos hes desperate for me to meet the other half of his friends that aren't mutual friends.
But I'm done being a potential sharer. I'm a selfish woman and proud.(i'm done with attracting/luring and hunting the unavailable) If i have a man, then hes got to be for me and me alone. Loving me would be him not putting me in the agony of wanting him all for me but unsure if i can have him despite the TLC he gives. then of course relationships for me have to have a definite direction....
Listening to reason and holding on(cos rumor has it hes bla bla bla...el loco for me)wouldn't make it better. Faith would keep me strong.
And even as i break a bone or two from falling off from the edge of reason, i know faith has the healing touch to make it all right again.
Sometimes we have to fall off the edge of reason to get to our dreams....playing safe is fatal and leaves you stagnant.


Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

14 comments :

  1. That takes a lot of courage... As long as God is in it you'll be fine.. I guess you've resolved that side of things and verified from Him that this new path is the one you ought to walk in... Thumbs up!

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  2. You remind me of myself... but i agree with akaBagucci. God is in control. He is the best person to leave your troubles with coz He never disappoints. Let Him catch you.

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  3. 1. did u type all o this out on ur phone? damn!

    2. It takes a lot of courage to take the steps you've taken, and i absolutely respect you for that and im sure u'll come out on top!
    my cu has lots of love to give and im sure u'll come across someone who's deserving and who'll treat u like the princess you are!

    3. was it really Michael that said "I'm a lover not a fighter"? cos i thought it was Wande Coal, lol...seriously!

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  4. im glad ur taking this step of faith and im sure God has got ur back!!!! all the best

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  5. @ bagucci...i hope to think this is what he wants me to do. its scary, but i know it'll be worth it in the end.

    @anonymous...i'm definately letting him catch me. thanks.

    @bumight...cuz, when you've got a lot on you mind, you just have to spit it out, thus my blackberry came in handy:)
    thanks for the kind words.

    and oh my gosh, wande coal? did wande coal say that too? lol michael used it in his 'the girl is mine'

    @fumns...thanks hun.

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  6. wow this is so uplifting goodness i am still not sure about my feeble steps and i am waiting on him for a number of things

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  7. WOW!!!
    He apparently can catch you when you fall in faith. XOXO and I wish you all THE BEST in the WORLD.

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  8. You are very brave! Not sure that is what you want to hear but it's the truth.

    I feel you on the not sharing bit, it's all or nothing. Drama is not good for my health any which way.

    When you Let Go you let God, so I am persuaded God will lead you right.

    Take care babes

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  9. I wish you the very best on this journey u're about to embark on. And am glad u know that ure not going it alone.

    He's gonna be with you all the way; holding ur hand, blessing u from aboe, uplifting u from beneath, comforting u all the way.

    God bless u!

    Nice blog.

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  10. I haven't commented on your posts in along while because you remind me of myself too much. It's scary actually.

    That really is a leap of faith. I pray it all works out. ALL THE BEST.

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  11. lyk a friend once told me, better to be bold than cold. u sound lyk u'v been doin a lot of soul searching, i think u should do what u need to do. u'd b surprised at how things'll all fall in place

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  12. Hmm, 'm feeling you on this one. Letting go, letting God, and doing what has to be done in His grace.

    Thanks for sharing

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  13. I'm giving you a standing ovation. Your courage is to be envied!
    I'm soul searching and i think we all are but some more than others. Goodluck!

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  14. good thing you decided to let go...

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