who am i?

"I write for the unlearned about things in which I am unlearned myself." - CS Lewis, Reflections on the Psalms

Friday, September 16, 2011

You Think You Know... Grateful for Change.

Loads of things pissed me off. Like telling me to come to church... Like seriously, i go to church, when I'm in the mood. So stop giving me that look of 'come to church' you looser.

And so i went to church... every sunday or every other Sunday, looking my best. When i didn't feel the need to sleep in cos i had to work on Monday or when there was nothing to do, i went to church.
Acting like the princess i wasn't. Watching people wearily as they danced and sang. The awkward moments when the person beside me kneels in gratitude or face flat on the floor when we're all standing to pray, like seriously, why so evil(i just have to use that slang or I'll choke:)).
And even more awkward was the well dressed lady who wore better shoes than me... she lifts up her hands with well manicured nails(i took note) tears run down her cheeks, and she speaks in tongue, through her well painted lips... Unashamed... it's appalling. I mean we're here for God, but come on, enough with the embarrassing show off... i don't even know you and I'm quite embarrassed for you. Don't dress dignified if you're not going to act that way.
I always had an offering, the smallest denomination i could find in my bag,because there were cinema tickets to buy, thisday styles to buy, hang outs to pay for.
Why stay till the end of the service if i could bail in the middle for a brunch date, or better still, seat through and drift off day dreaming, at least i was in church just in case some over zealous person asked.

And then you tell me hanging out on a Friday night and having the best time of the week is wrong. Come on, people love to see me out, they love my presence, I'm fun to be with... You just don't know what is to be missed, the social ladder you get to climb, the popularity. And do you know the sort of deals you get to strike just by being at the right club at the right time? one minute you're just wanting to have fun and the next you're having a convo about this deal that makes Monday look better than good.
Most annoying is you criticizing my music collection, telling me to be selective of what i listen to, to ease out on the programmes i watch. Now that's plain crazy. Move over to the next fool to lie to. I love God too, but i think you're just trying to over do it to make him think you love him more.....

Fast forward to today, I'm that person I used to despise, walking in the opposite direction of what i thought was the life. I'm the well dressed pretty lady(hey, I am) lifting holy hands and standing unashamed in my worship. I'm the one singing the song like i wrote it myself(off key of course) and smiling with tears i can't explain rolling out. I'm the one wanting to give an offering worth something. I'm the one giving up fun Sunday brunches up for church. I'm the one you're uneasy with when i ask innocently if you were in church today...

I remember some magazine wanted me to join their team as a columnist... I didn't see myself as a writer but some saw my blogging as fun back in the day before I got all Jesus in their face.
Anyways I was excited about this new opportunity, we brainstormed, we had ideas,i was uncertain but willing to give it a try till a pastor friend of mine asked me if my articles would be about Jesus... I was mad at him, must everything be about Jesus? Does this magazine spell 'religion' to you? I got defensive and irritated with him.
I was just waking up to a renewd faith and that wasn't even something I thought I could do, that was like a public suicide, loosing my 'cool' factor....  I couldn't even imagine blogging Jesus on here, what would peope think? Would I still have my faithful readers?... Of course i planned on doing the 'Thank God, bla bla bla' once in a while, but i'd stick to the original script of the blog 90 percent of the time.

And a year plus down the road I look back and see my plan has been reversed, its now 99percent Jesus and a little about other stuffs. I didn't plan it this way. But he sort of creeps into every post I have drafted. (old time readers will notice I've taken down close to half of my old posts... ) It's amazing the number of hits i get these days... contrary to what i thought, Jesus is getting more hits than whatever it is i wrote about in the past. I have lost readers, but i have gained more readers than what i lost.

I look for excuses not to do a fast...
I get 'religious' sometimes forgetting my relationship with God is more important...
I sneak a peak at some programs as much as i'm no more addicted to them, i mean i'm not that into TV anymore, but i just can't resist wanting to know what Carrie and Big are up to, because they're just such a sweet sight as a married couple, while same time casting the spirit of Samantha away, or wanting to see what Ari is up to even though i don't agree with what hollywood preaches to me through Vince et co.
Sometimes, my faith is my personal secret when i seat in crowds where i ought to say something.
Sometimes reading my bible is a challenge....
Sometimes, it feels like it's too hard being his girl... but that's just sometimes.
I'm definitely not close to where i ought to be, but thank God I'm not where i used to be.

It is possible to change... To see things differently.
To give offerings and be excited about it... To feel empty when you havn't been in fellowship for a while. (i joked that once upon a time, twas cool for the bouncers to know you, helped alot, today i'm friends with ushers... go figure)
It's possible to get invites to be guests of some club owner or two and decline.
To miss an event you've looked forward to for so long because you have fellowship... or you don't agree with whatever it is it's promoting.
All things are possible, especially change. I should know.

This is a gratitude journal entry. I'm not bragging about my faith. I'd be a fool to think i was able to change on my own and embark on this journey as a freshly (re)crowned princess to the kingdom i was born to reign in.
I'm thankful for the gift of salvation.
For all those who've continuously prayed for my soul.. To God for not giving up on me...to my heart for letting its guard down and understanding true joy isn't in my beauty and how many people chase after me and want me, in the clothes I wear or the crowd I roll with, in the money I have or what I can get. I'm thankful and I'll guard this gift that's been freely given to me, cos my life is worth nothing without it.

8 comments:

  1. trust me. I know how it feels to be the "old you". I'm still trying to be a better Christian. what can i say, keep it up!

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  2. I belongs to Islam and ask you to join us because Islam is on right path.

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  3. you are admired... keep being originally you ;)

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  4. The two scenarios you painted are very real and I have been on the both sides.
    At the end of the day, who created us and who are we living for? Then we shouldn't be afraid to give it all back to our creator

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  5. All I can say is ALLELUIA.

    This here is nothing but pure manifestation of God's power.

    There's no way one goes from "flyest rocker social climber" to passionate rocking only in Jesus girl, if not for the power of Jesus himself. This here is what those who do not yet believe, or still sit on the fence, need to ponder on.

    When I imagine how I went from sharpest playboy, have a chic at home almost every weekend, to being celibate for 3 years because He's visited and changed me and given me the grace to wait....I know it's nothing but His POWER fully manifested!

    Your post just took me back and you might even know who is writing sef...*sigh*...I'm sooo...grateful.

    Always remember that you are and will remain a sign to this generation...and you've only just begun.

    At times I can't help but ponder that since it seems like the "fly" boys and girls are getting saved now more than at any other time, the end mightn't be too far. Then again the "fly" boys and girls are also dying very suddenly and young these days too, in case the concept of "the end" seems far-fetched for some.

    I digress...

    Simply grateful for the change, sweetness and pervading peace of the salvation of Jesus! If you haven't witnessed it yet, pleeeease taste and see!

    Once again thanks for this reminder.

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  6. haha! I started off with that first section saying to myself "this chic is so wronnnng for this one!" LOL..wow, this change is pretty awesome. I want to be that girl too, who's unashamed to dance before her King but I can't. I'm too aware of Who I am, what I do, and how the act of letting go in His presence is so unnatural for me. I am intoxicated with a man. We love each other and I am addicted to his love-bone. So every month I come before the grace of God and beg for mercy. I say 'Lord, when we're married, it'll be all good'. I will no longer have californication hanging over me, I'll be unashamed. I'll dance like that girl.

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  7. @kit kat.. goodluck with that, God's grace will see you through.

    @reeha, you should try Christianity, it's the best part.

    @bangis affairs :) tnx

    @ilola... It feels hard sometimes but its worth it in the end.

    @anon he is indeed a God of change... is there anything too hard for him?

    hi Anya, i don't think anyone is beyond change... God works in ways we cannot see, and i pray he'll give you the same grace he's given me. bless you.

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  8. Beautiful...I have been on both sides and you know the funny thing I was on the latter side first and somehow I crawled towards the other side but thank God I am back to being me in him! I am not ashamed of the Gospel because its Gods power unto salvation! its really nice to find people who believe in what you believe... yea we are friends with ushers but I'm loving it. Go girl!
    www.laraexcel.blogspot.com

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